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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing

So he decided to test his suspicions. He stood about 20 feet behind her and asked, “Can you hear me, my love?” But she didn’t respond.

So he got about 10 feet away from her and asked her again, “Can you hear me, sweetie?”

When she didn’t say anything, he got up to 5 feet from her and a...

Late one night a burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the vo...

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

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A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.

He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tort...

A police officer, was scheduled for all-night duty at the station...

... he was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said "Honey, would you go down to the all-nigh...

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

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There’s a diminutive, mousy-looking elderly man in a pub, quietly staring into his glass.

He has sad, sad eyes and a generally upset demeanor.

The door of the pub is slammed open and a lorry driver charges in. He roars up to the bar counter, orders four pints of the strongest beer the bartender has, and drops heavily down upon one of the bar stools.

As he drains his beers, ...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

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A young man walks out of a bar with a girl he just pulled.

"Let's go back to your joint..." he says, "my house mates are home and we'll get no peace there."

Reluctantly the girl agrees. They walk back to her house and quietly enter through the front door.

"Take a seat" says the girl, pointing to the sofa, "I'm just going to get changed out of...

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I was so drunk last night.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I off took my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. I crept up the stairs very quietly..

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realised I was on a fucking bus!!!!!

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could

forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines

covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings i...

A Native American boy is talking to his father...

And he says “Father, the other children at school are teasing me about my name!”

Father: “Son, your name is very special. In our tribe we name our children after a significant event that occurred during conception.

For example, when your sister Falling Water was conceived a torrential ...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

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Told to me by my bartender last Saturday

So, a man is sitting in a bar enjoying a few drinks. Beside the man sits a bowl of pretzels. After a little while the pretzels lean over to the man and say;
"Hey good lookin. Come here often?"
The man is pretty crept out, but ignores the pretzels and continues on in his drinking. After a ...

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know if they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a litt...

A Ninja was on a Mission

A ninja was on a very sneaky assassination mission. As he crept through the compound and avoided detection, he finally laid eyes on his target. As sort of a tradition, the ninja would always whisper to his weapons before going in for the kill. As he prepared to kill the target, the ninja equipped a ...

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A man was robbing a house

He snuck in at the dead of night, the owners weren’t home. Good. He started to clear the expensive stuff off the shelves in the living room, he reached for an expensive-looking pen on display when he heard a distant voice whisper “Jesus is watching you”

Startled, he looked around yet saw no o...

Identity Crises!

A man goes to the doctor's consultation room to get the results of his wife's tests.

The lady on duty tells him: "I'm terribly sorry Mr. but there was a bit of a problem that crept in.

We sent your wife's tests along with another lady with the same surname, to the pathologists. Resul...

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".

Th...

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A Morning Poem

I woke early one morning, The  earth lay cool and still. When Suddenly a tiny bird perched upon my window sill, He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away.   He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun, it seemed this very trilling, bro...

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A elderly man stops a car in a deserted highway holding a shotgun.

The person driving the car pulls to a halt and stepped out with his hands raised. It was already 2am and it was completely dark. The old man ask him to unzip his own pants and release his penis. The driver was shocked and did so fearing whats he gonna do. The old man asked the driver to jerk himself...

A man walks into a hunting store

One day a man walked into a sporting goods store looking to buy a rifle. The man had never been hunting before and asked the clerk if he could recommend a rifle.

"Oh yes," the clerk said. "I'm not a very good shot but I've done quite a lot of hunting in my day, even did some big game hunting...

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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning...

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's a chimney."

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A novice is working in the scriptorium and he gets to wondering . . .

. . . if he is copying copies of copies of copies of copies, might errors have crept in somewhere. So he asks the abbot, who concedes the point, and descends to the manuscript repository to find the earliest copy of the MS in question.

The novice waits patiently, but the abbot is gone an awf...

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For the Catholics

A woman was taken into adultery and a group of men approached Jesus and said to him, "This woman was taken in adultery and by the law she should be stoned to death. But what say you?"

Jesus thought and said, "I say that he among you who is without sin should throw the first stone."

At ...

3 men

3 men die and go to heaven.

But heaven is getting full these days and only one of them will be allowed in. It is decided the man with the most unjust death will be allowed into heaven.

So the first man tells his story.
"I thought my wife was having an affair. So I left work early to...

Two men are talking in a Louisiana bar.

One says to the other, "I had the strangest encounter last night. An alligator crept into my room, climbed into my bed next to me, and just stayed there all night hissing away."

"Weren't you scared at all?", said the other man.

The first man replies, "Well I guess because of the fact I...

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So there was this guy

And he was lost in the woods for days eventually he finds this random 2 floor wodden shack and he goes and knocks on the door.

An old Chinese man answers who looks like he was alive when the dinosours ruled the earth.

The young man who was lost explained his situation and begged for fo...

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Alf and Doris have been married for 50 years

Every morning throughout those 50 years Alf has woken himself and Doris up by doing the worlds biggest fart. The violent and clockwork nature of Alf’s farting seemed to be an inhuman ability and Doris constantly warned Alf that one day he would fart his guts right out into his shorts.
 ...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

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The Traveling Salesmen

One night a travelling salesman found that he had stayed on the road too long, and that he was stranded in the middle farm country with no place to sleep. Naturally, he sought refuge at the nearest farm house. The farmer agreed to let him stay, but only as long as "you don't sneak upstairs to my dau...

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...

It's 1917 and at this point, the Great War could go either way...

British generals were growing concerned when one day a bright chap came up with an idea.

"What's a common German name?" said Pvt Smith.

One of his mates pipes up, "Schultz is fairly common."

So the two soldiers crept to the edge of their trench and called over the top, "HEY SCHU...

The Scottsman

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked the he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely...

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So Grandpa is at the birthday party...

And all the kids gather around his feet to hear his ever-famous "I came face to face with a tiger" story. He has told the story many times and has his delivery down pat, all the kids are eagerly hanging on his every word. He reaches the most intense part of the story,"As I crept toward the beast, t...

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A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged...

The doctor asked him how large he wanted it, and the man told him to make it as large as possible. The doctor spliced a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pan...

A man went on a hunting trip

The hunter was sneaking through the woods, looking for any movement that would give away the position of an animal. Tired and looking for just one last kill, he scanned the forest.

"Look at me, I own the Hoover Dam and I can't even find one last animal." He thought.

Then, suddenly, a d...

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An old couple were in bed one morning. (An old joke my dad used to tell)

And like every other morning for the past 40 years, the old man lets rip a ground-shaking fart. His wife, growing tired of this, turns to him and says

"One day you're going to fart so hard you'll shit out your guts!", to which the old man laughs.

A few weeks later, the wife had got up ...

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Two men died and were in line at the pearly gates

Two men appeared at the pearly gates together. Seeing that there was a line to get in, they struck up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" Said the first man to the second.

"I suffocated and froze to death in a deep freeze. I wouldn't recommend it as a good way to go. You?"

"Oh i...

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Turkey Dinner Surprise

A husband and his wife had been married for over fifty years. They were desperately in love with each other. Neither one had any complaints about the other, except for one. Each morning, the husband would roll over and fart loudly as he woke up. The wife would exclaim, "One of these days you're ...

A Family of Balloons

There was once a family of balloons; Balloon Dad, Balloon Mum and Balloon Jr. As Balloon Jr was only very young he was still getting used to sleeping the whole night in his own bed. Mum and Dad would always say that he is now too big and he simply must stay in his own bed! One night Balloon Jr just ...

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