Thanos X John Wick

Advisor to Thanos: "Sir, John Wick survived the snap."

Thanos: "So?"

Advisor to Thanos; "His dog didn't."

Thanos: "Oh....."

I thought of an alternative title for john wick

Keanu grieves

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

What do John Wick and Eminem have in common?

They kill people using a pencil.

Keanu Reeves is coming out with a candle line...

He's calling them John wicks.

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Do you know why COVID-19 doesn't infect dogs?

The virus did its research on John Wick.

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

Asian John Wick walks into a bar

He eats, shoots, and Reeves.

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

I was taught in my Journalism class that "Pen is mightier than Sword" and I believed it

But after watching John Wick, I realized it's "Pencil that's mightier than the Sword"

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THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"



"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you ho...

So this is how it ends, huh...

I was arrested for speaking out of line.
I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by ...

I know how we can defeat the coronavirus.

Tell John Wick it killed his dog.

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After a particularly wild staff Christmas party, a man wakes up with a wicked hangover...

He turns over and groans to his wife, "Oh, God! What the hell happened last night?"

"You got drunk, of course, and made a goddamn fool of yourself in front of your boss!" his wife informs him.

"Piss on that fuckin' guy," the man says.

"You did. And he fired you," his wife answe...

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat...

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What causes arthritis?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to apriest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and faceand a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned...

Everyone in my family has extremely skinny legs, so we all have to have our pants custom made. It's wicked expensive.

Damn skinny genes.

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

What time does the wicked witch have her clocks set to?

Greenwich mean time.

Jesus promised the end of wicked people. Thor promised the end of frost giants.

I don't see many frost giants.

Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.

I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

What do you call keanu reeves on an air plane

Air wick

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

John Wick stabbed a guy in the shoulder.

He was left with a bad shoulder blade.

I have the best idea to tackle over-population

Send your kids after John Wick

Wanna know why jogging is evil?

"The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous stand as bold as a lion."

Proverbs 28:1

There's only one candle store I won't steal from.

John's Wicks

How long would it take Keanu Reeves to learn Spanish?

Juan Wick

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

Where does Keanu Reeves go to do his research?

Wick-ipedia

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

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There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

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Kinky Sex

A man was sitting at a singles bar when he was approached by a woman.

"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" She asked him, motioning to the empty seat next to him.

"No, It isn't." He said. The woman sat down.

"Well, now that I'm sitting here, would you mind buying me a drink?"...

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Good Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told...

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint.

A lizard passing by looks up at the Koala and says "hey koala! What are you doing?"

The koala looks down and says "just chilling in this tree man, smoking a joint."

The lizard asks if he can join and the koala obliges. The lizard crawls up the tree, stops next to the koala and they b...

My preacher started a sermon with this joke the other week that was actually pretty funny and i thought i would share it with you guys

Alright so in this small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from Vandalism, Stealing, Battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So.. I woke my gf up with oral sex this morning

-Oh wicked, what'd she say?

-Thtoph, thtoph!

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A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor.

Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?'

[Hugh Rawson, "Wicked Words," 1989]

Poop is always funny, and this brightened my day. ...

Today morning I wanted to go for a run

However, being a Christian, I remembered Proverbs 28:1, 'The wicked run even though no one pursues them...'

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus…...

…. and bets anyone in the bar $5 that his octopus can play the hell out of any instrument they bring. The first person to accept brings a guitar, the octopus studies the guitar for bit then proceeds to play the best guitar solo ever and the guy loses his $5. The next taker brings some drums, again t...

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Susan and Jack both work at a small company that sells widgets.

Monday morning, their supervisor Bill, finds out there have been budget cuts and he has to let one of them go by Friday.

Bill thinks, “Jeez, this really sucks. Susan and Jack are both excellent employees, they were both hired at the same time so neither has seniority, they’re never late, nev...

The Rabbi in Trinidad

Once upon a time, there lived an Israeli Rabbi.  He was a kind old man who always meant well, and was well liked, even if he could be a little over zealous at times.  He heard one day that there was a spot being offered as a missionary to travel to a small village in Trinidad and teach the town's fo...

The man, the Curator, and the Wax Museum.

A man walks into a wax museum. Inside finds a display of little wick people on a giant map of the United States. However, one of the people, a cowboy is placed in New York City. He calls the curator and asks why that one isn’t over in a place like Texas or Oklahoma.

“Oh, Ed doesn’t fit in ...

What's a Bostonian's favorite musical?

Wicked.

A recently divorced woman comes across a genie in a lamp

A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach, when she notices a lamp in the sand. She picks it up and rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"I am the genie of this lamp," he said, "and I will grant you three wishes, but under one condition: whatever you receive, the person you hate the mos...

Never bring a knife to a gun fight...

Unless you're John Wick, in that case bring a pencil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flights can seem quicker when you strike up a conversation with someone.

So this guy decides to do so with the young girl sat next to him. "Would you like to chat? It'll make the flight seem quicker." "Ok" say the little girl, "what would you like to talk about?"
Deciding to be wicked he says "what about how there is no god, heaven or hell and we all just die and tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses and an old man were playing a round of golf and the score was dead even between the three players.

First up to try and break the tie was Jesus.

He wound up and followed through. The ball took a wicked dog leg to the right and fell into the water. Jesus walked over the wat...

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The smart wasp... (sorry if it's a repost, someone asked me to tell it)

So there is this wasp, right? Now, he's not *ordinary* wasp, mind you, but an incredibly smart one. This wasp is so smart, that he feels as though he doesn't belong in his little waspy town, so he decides to pack up and go to a human high school. So off he goes to high school, with nothing but his k...

So a guy walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get ou...

An Inspector goes to a Processing Plant

So an inspector goes to a processing plant. He walks up to the manager and says: ‘I hear you keep your animals in horrible conditions. I’m here to write a report.’

The manager gives a cold smile and says: ‘Where would you like to start?’

‘Let’s start with your pigs,’ says the insp...

Why dont Demons fear oxidation?

Because there's no rust for the wicked

Why do witches like candles so much?

Because they're wicked!

Three men out golfing....

Three men were out golfing one sunny day. They were just about done with hole 8, when they heard a young lady calling from the green on hole 9. They all walked over there, and asked the young lady what she needed. She said, "Well, I came out to the golf course today hoping to beat my last score. If ...

Never underestimate old ladies.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the f...

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God and St. Peter walk the Earth

God decides to visit the mortals and see how wicked is the world so He takes St. Peter along and goes to Earth.

By accident He sumbles over 2 potheads that were smoking a joint and they test their good hearts asking if they can have some.

Of course, the potheads are very nice, they ma...

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