The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become...

Trump's Conceded!!!

Sorry, typo. He is conceited.

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When God created man, all of the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The Brain said that since he controlled the body that he should be boss.

The Eyes said that without them man would be helpless, they should be boss.

The Legs said that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The Stomach said that since it digested the ...

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

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A farmer has 18 beautiful daughters

One day three brothers were traveling when they stopped at this farmer's farmstead to rest. The farmer let them in and gave them food and drink.

Upon seeing the many beautiful maidens, the eldest brother approached the farmer, and asked, "Farmer, can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

Th...

I saw a girl sitting at the bar the other day, so I went over.

"What's your name?" I asked her

"Chantelle," she said. I looked at her puzzled.

"What?" I asked.

"Chantelle," she repeated. This just confused me even more.

"Come on, seriously, what's your name?" I asked.

"I told you, Chantelle!" She exclaimed.

"Fine then!"...

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...

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The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

Once upon a time an alien race tried to invade Earth (OC)

Humans were at a loss to protect themselves, then The Doctor came and and protected Earth. Everyone asked, "Doctor Who?"

There was no answer. Humans moved on and named The Doctor, "Doctor Who".



Once again an Alien race tried to invade earth. Helpless earth chanted "Doctor Who...

Three men were standing in line...

... to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Saint Peter had been forced to pick who would be allowed in. "Guys listen, heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had *particularly* horrible deaths. When you’...

A farmer got in his beat-up old pickup, drove over to the neighbors and knocked on the door...

A farmer got in his beat-up old pickup, drove over to the neighbors and knocked on the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the man "is your mother here?"...

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David and the voice.

David was working in his shoe shop one day when he heard a voice whisper out to him, "Sell your shop".

He ignored it contributing it to the old building. The next week he heard it again. "Sell your shop," the voice whispered. He continued to ignore it until the voice was speaking to him every...

The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise..

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Jesus Christ, man,” protested President Kubritski, “you already make more than the entire English department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” th...

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It was a fine day out on the sea...

when a young sailer prepared to set sail on his first voyage. Before he boarded the vessel, he came across an old pirate sitting drunkenly on the docks.

"Hey, old-timer," he began, "you look like you've seen your fair share of sea. Could you spare some advise for a young sailer?"

"Gar...

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.
"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted to a table and in four minutes cons...

The Lord's Prayer

When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea. He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken." "I can't possibly do...

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an ageing prostitute went into a pet store

she wanted one of the newly weened puppies they had on display. the clerk, knowing that puppies so young can be difficult, began to explain how to feed, train, and care for a puppy, the woman was confused by everything he said and seemed to be taking in none of the information being presented to her...

Three macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest igloo, so they decided to check each in turn.

Three macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest igloo, so they decided to check each in turn. Sure he’d clinched the argument, the first Eskimo pulled back his polar-bear-skin blanket and revealed that his bed was made of ice.

“Nah, mine’s colder,” claimed the second Eskimo. And wh...

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