I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah....."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

I’m designing a coffee maker that tells you a joke as it’s percolating.

I call it the Brew-HaHa.

Wife: "Why is this giant bra on the coffee maker?"

Husband: "You said you needed k cups."

Why doesn't a coffee maker need that third prong on its electrical plug?

The beans are ground.

What did the coffee maker say to the toaster?

You toast my buns, I’ll roast your beans

I just got a futuristic coffee maker.

It was a ground-breaking development.

In the morning, I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you coffee, but it made this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

So I divorced her and bought myself a coffee maker

Working Redditors: What is your favorite joke about your own profession?

Retired U.S. Air Force here and this is my favorite military joke:

The biggest difference between the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces is that if you give the order to **"Secure that building!"**

* The Army will kick the doors down, enter with weapons drawn, eliminate all hostiles...

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