Clocks Jokes

Eating them is time consuming

Is a waste of time.

I guess that’s daylight robbery

It's about time.

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"

Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."



The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock... read more

Not on my watch

A man died & went to Heaven. As he stood in front of The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.
He asked: "what are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied: "Why, those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has one. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
Th... read more

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell ... read more

It’s only part time

Because they don't tock to themselves.

Because time is relative

But that’s just the second hand.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H... read more

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course... read more

I can stop at any time I want.

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock i... read more

A man who recently died had a meeting with God. He was waiting outside, looking at a large wall of clocks outside his office. God stepped out to invite him inside.

**M:** Hey, what's with all these clocks?

**G:** Ah, this is the wall shows every lie everyone has ever told. The lies are... read more

They're always having seconds.

Watch-oo!

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

Their hands are on their faces.

John arrived at the gates to Heaven, and was greeted there by Saint Peter. Saint Peter tells John: “This is a pretty big place, let me take you on a tour of Heaven”. After a while, John asks: “What are all these clocks hanging everywhere?”. Saint Peter tells him that every person that ever lived has... read more

The repair person in the clock shop is an old German. The man says my grandfather clock only goes tik tik tik tik. They take the clock to the back room of the shop and tie it to a chair. The old man then lights up a cigarette, take a big drag, and blows the smoke in the clocks face. He sets the ciga... read more

Mostly hour-d'oeuvres, in minute amounts, but they usually take seconds

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a c... read more

Guess you might call that a Waist of Time

Because of The Force Awakens.

I guess you could say im anti-clockwise

Metal Gears

When he was asked why he did such a thing the man replied:
I just wanted to kill some time.

A woman drives past a small store with various clocks in the window. She thinks to herself, "Oh a clock-repair shop! I should bring in my broken wall-clock."
So the next day she walks in with her clock and asks the man at the front desk to repair it.
"Oh no, I don't fixed clocks; I'm a Rabbi... read more

Unfortunately I can’t remember where I brought mine from.

It was almost all second hand information.

But sometimes the differences are alarming

I am not giving 2020 an extra hour’s worth of damage.

I guess it's just a sign of the times.

Perfect timing

I guess I just have too much time on my hands

It helps them practice reading hands

It go back four seconds

My psychiatrist calls it a second hand emotion.