Old School Jokes

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"

I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"

I'm calling it the Suck-You-Bus.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said “great, I’ve got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.”
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied “I’ve bee... read more

I said "do you remember when the sun would rise in the morning and set in the evening?"

He said "ahhh, those were the days..."

The Turtle Test tests how clean your mind is. There are four questions. Each question is correctly answered with a clean response.

Q1: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do on three legs?

A1: >!Shake hands.!<

Q2: What's it called when two co... read more

Teacher said that I was only average at maths.

I thought, that’s mean

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take... read more

I bumped into an old school friend this morning and said, "Alright John, you've certainly lost weight since the last time I saw you."

He gave me a dirty look and carried on down the road.

What was I supposed to say?"Hi John. I notice you've had both legs amputated. Nice wheelchair, by ... read more

My dad always tells me about a practical joke played on an assistant in a big office setting when he was younger.

The assistant was the guy with the least experience and was in charge of answering the phone. He was not known as someone who was particularly bright.

My dad called posing... read more

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now. He replied that he was currently working on:

*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment*

I was impressed......

On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, w... read more

My wife and I went to stay with them so they demanded I share a bad with my grandfather and my wife would share a bed when my grandmother.

In the middle of the night my grandad shakes me awake and I ask "what's wrong?"

He says to me "I'm going down to service your grandmother and I'll ... read more

Assembly took ages.

......where you keep your money under the mattress–only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe–a can of spray paint with a false bottom–so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put... read more

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared... read more

Never before had they been so enlightening.

Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme

I bumped into my old school teacher today, and we got talking about how he once said that I'd never amount to anything. I showed him though.

I spat in his fries.

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil... read more

No, I shaved my photos.

800 x 600 it is.

looking back at my shelf.

There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passeng... read more