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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

Why is the phone sweaty?

It is making a long distance call

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

I'm so sweaty that

African women call me water daddy.

Moth Inspector

A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks ...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

The hot farmer

A hot, sweaty farmer walks into a bar and orders a cold beer. "Dang, our baler broke down in the field today, and its humid and 100+ degrees out," the farmer complains. "I'm so hot and sweaty from repairing that thing that I just want to rip off all my dirty, sweaty clothes and run around the bar in...

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a bald, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

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I hate having sex in a sleeping bag, it’s too tight, you get really sweaty...

and it’s hard to breathe because your scout leader’s hand is covering your mouth

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After some rough, sweaty sex, my wife said she wanted round 2.

I said, "Come again?"

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A man was reading a newspaper

when his son suddenly barged into the living room. He was all sweaty and out of breath, but had a big smile on his face. “Dad!” exclaimed his son, “I just lost my virginity!” The man put down his newspaper and looked at his son proudly. The young man standing before him reminded him of his youth, wh...

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

What do a neckbeard and a cold beverage have in common?

They get sweaty sitting at room temperature.

During a hot and sweaty yoga session, a femur and a humerus got real close. What did the humerus say to the femur?

“Quite the trochanter”.

Blackberry Hill

A man tending bar was working as usual with a small number of people. A guy walks in with his pants slung over his shoulder, clearly sweating, his hot dog on full display. The bartender takes one look at him and asks, "What happened to you?"

The guy responds "I was on top of Blackberry Hill."...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

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An old couple goes to their doctor

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with...

As the kidnapper trotted towards the dark woods hands firmly grasped on a small sweaty palm he felt a reluctance, looking down he saw the boy trembling.

"What's wrong buddy?" He asked genially


"I'm scared" said the boy fighting back tears


"You think you are scared?.. i have to walk out of these woods alone."

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

Why are so many hipsters sweaty?

They put on their winter coats before it's cool.

My wife asked me if I'd like to spend the evening at home or go play a game of bowling.

So I told her that putting my fingers in sweaty holes where everybody had been before wasn't what I had in mind for tonight. And we went play some bowling.

I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty.

Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.

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A boss calls one of his male employees into the office

Boss: I want you to go into the bathroom and masturbate.
Employee: ...excuse me sir?
Boss: Do as I say. Now go.
5 minutes later, guy comes back a bit sweaty and relaxed.
Employee: Ok done sir.
Boss: very well. Now go and do it again.
Employee: what? Really?
Boss: Just go ...

Don't sweat the petty things.

Also: don't pet the sweaty things

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

A man walks into a pub, sits down, asks for a beer, wipes his sweaty forehead, and says, "T.G.I.F.!"

The woman at the other end of the bar smiles at him, shakes her head, and replies, "S.P.I.T."

The man's puzzled, so he makes eye contact with her, and very clearly enunciates "T.G.I.F." The woman equally clearly enunciates "S.P.I.T."

"Lady, what the hell's that supposed to mean? I don...

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[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

Heaven was becoming overcrowded to the point where Saint Peter asked if he could only let people in who had a really bad day before he died.

Once God approved, Peter went back to the pearly gates and saw a line. Excited about the new order he went to the first person and said, “tell me about the day you died.”

The first person said, “it was horrible, I could have sworn my wife was cheating on me so I came home from work early to c...

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Two old ladies are walking down the street. It's hot, they're sweaty.

The first old lady says, "If you take your panties off, you'll cool down faster."
The second old lady says, "Bullshit."

They keep walking down the road. It's still hot, they're sweaty.
They see a third old lady sitting on her front porch. She's got a dress on, legs spread open, and she'...

A blonde buys a chainsaw

A blonde buys a chainsaw to cut down some trees in her backyard and gets the one that sais "Guaranteed to cut down 100 trees a day" on the box.
"Great" she thinks "I only want to cut down 5 trees, but I bet this one will get the job done in no time at all!"


Three days later returns...

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A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

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I’m not a chef...

but Boyardees titties sweaty today.

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An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

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The park statue.

In this park there was a replica of Rodin's "The Kiss". It was, by far, the park's most beloved feature, and it was a popular place for young couples to meet and for people to propose.

One day, after all the visitors had left and the park gates had been locked, a fairy approached the statue,...

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Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.

Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...


A month later ...

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Blueberry Hill

So this is a joke I heard as a kid really too young to even get it. Sorry if it's a repost, I don't read anything but what comes up in my feed.

A teacher is taking roll in an old rural schoolhouse and realizes several of the students are missing. She isn't too worried as the rural nature of t...

Wait . what?

This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to igno...

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

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A man dies and goes to hell

When he arrives, he meets the devil, standing in front of three doors.

"What are these doors?" The man asks.

The devil tells him "Hell isn't so bad, you get to choose your accommodations. Behind these doors are your three options."

The man then asks to see behind each door, so h...

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

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A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.


He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"


She looks at him wistfully...

A father and young son are out for a walk...

About a block from their house, the pair spot a pair of stray dogs humping furiously in an empty lot.

"Ewww! Daddy, what are they doing?!?!"

"Um...well, Son. They're making puppies...."

The boy watched the dogs as they passed by, totally confused by what he was seeing.

La...

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

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At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

Donald Trump runs into a bar

The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?"


Donald replies "No. Iran."

I came home from work early one night...

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I he...

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Lenin in Poland

The communist party of Poland decided to celebrate the anniversary of Lenin’s birth. They approached a famous painter and asked him for a painting titled “Lenin in Poland”. The painter hated communism, but he agreed to do it on the condition that he will have total artistic freedom and everyone will...

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

An American, an Italian, and a German are applying for a job.

In the wake of WWII, the newly founded CIA needed the best of the best. An American, an Italian, and a German have made it to the final round of interviews.

The three are sitting together in a barren room, when an agent walks in.

"Congratulation, each of you have made it to the final ...

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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»

«Dude, just piss from here».

«But there are people down there».

«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»

«No way, I'll fall down»

«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
...

I went running with my Bible...

...now my Psalms are sweaty.

A guy goes to visit his friend who lives on the 100th floor

At the reception, the friend welcomes him with a grim news "The elevator is not working so we have to take the stairs."

The guy afraid says "But that's a long climb.."

"Don't worry" His friend replies "We can tell each other horror stories while we climb up. That way we can be entertai...

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What do my first football game and losing my virginity have in common?

I was tired, sweaty and bloody afterwards but at least my dad came.

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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

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20 Minutes

Two statues, a man and a woman, are sitting in a park where they have been for years. One day, an angel comes down from the heavens and gives life to these two statues.

Angel: "Ok you two, because of the limits of my power I can only grant you 20 minutes of life. What you do is up to you, s...

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War. Soldiers are sitting in a trench

They decide to send one guy to check surroundings. One hour later, he comes. He is all sweaty and tired like he has run 3 miles. Everyone asks him about what happened. He says
'You won't believe guys. I've met a nurse out there and we've had stunning sex. I've done almost everything to her'
...

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A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.

The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth. "What y'all want done 'round here?" the bumpkin asks.

"I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard."

"Alrighty!" says the bumpkin. "I'll have 'er done in a jiffy." And...

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Why Darth Vader?

Since I was little people asked why did I want to be Darth Vader. Easy, I wanna be a villain so I can saunter everywhere. Luke is always sprinting somewhere, always running, always sweaty and on the move. You ever seen Darth Vader run? Fuck no, and I ain’t about to either.

An adventurer finds a huge tower

On the first floor he finds to his left a ladder and to his right an attractive woman. She tells him, "Take me here or climb to success." His curiosity gets the better of him so he climbs the ladder.

On the second floor he finds a woman even more attractive than the first one! She says, "Take...

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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush...

Tom, a notorious womanizer...

...dies and goes to hell.

The devil is walking him down the brimstone corridors, showing him around the place. "You know, Tom," he says, "just because you're in hell doesn't mean you have to stay here. You can go to heaven if you'd like... and sit on a cloud all day, playing the harp... i...

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Husband goes golfing every Saturday morning with the same foursome.

But he’s always home by 2 o’clock so his wife puts up with it.

This one Saturday, 2 o’clock comes and goes. Three, four, five; still not home.

Finally at 6 o’clock he comes staggering through the front door. He’s dirty, he’s sweaty, he looks totally exhausted.

His wife exclai...

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Watching Childbith

The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"

"Oh, no," the man shook his head.

The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.

As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing f...

An ice cream man is driving his truck on a hot summer day.

He glances in his rear-view mirror, and notices a man running behind the truck. The man looks sweaty and exhausted and it's clear that he's been chasing the truck for blocks, if not longer. The driver immediately pulls over. "I'm sorry I didn't see you!" he says to the man when he gets to the window...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

An islander walks up to a hooker

And after checking the price he says “hey I want to do it island style”
“Sure “ she says as they begin to go at it hammer and tongs through every position and technique known to man, and each time she would ask “was that island style?” to which the answer every time was “no.. no.. no.. no.. no.. ...

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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter explains to them that unfortunately Heaven is rather overcrowded at the moment, so they're only letting in people with the most horrific deaths. One by one he asks them each how they perished.

The first man: I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, and for s...

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his arm...

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Longish literary-ish joke translated from Russian

Russia in the 1930s. Winter. Poverty. Famine. It's freezing cold. A poorly dressed kid is running across a courtyard with an armful of deadwood, followed by an angry caretaker.

The kid is running and thinking to himself:
>I gotta put an end to this. After all, I come from a nice family,...

A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive

After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.

"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."

The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."

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One day a woman returns home from work.

She enters her room and sees her husband lying on the bed, sweaty and naked. It also sounds like he has trouble breathing.

"George! Are you okay?"

"Honey... I... think... I'm... having... a... heart... attack..."

The woman panics and rushes to call 911. Halfway through the talk ...

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Fart your guts out

A couple who had been married for several years now, were preparing to spend another Thanksgiving together. The woman was running around the kitchen trying to get the meal prepared to perfection when her husband came in the room, grabbed a devilled egg and let out a rumbling fart.

These farts...

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

She was 18 and he was 35.

Just the two of them. She knew that today is the day, she had been waiting for it. He laid her on her back and leaned above her. She got goosebumps and sweaty palms.

“I’m scared” she said quietly.
“You’ll be fine, i’ll be quick” he replied.

Within a few minutes the tooth was out and...

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Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Seamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"...

The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, choose...

The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise..

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Jesus Christ, man,” protested President Kubritski, “you already make more than the entire English department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” th...

I saved €1.50 today...

Today I came home from work, out of breath and sweaty. My wife asked me what happened, to which I replied, "I saved €1.50 today by jogging behind the bus instead of riding it."
Instead of looking pleased, my wife looked annoyed. "Bloody moron," she said, "if you had jogged behind a taxi you could...

I try to tell this joke in english :]

There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob ...

A man goes to visit a lightbulb factory

The factory is very hot and sweaty and the work is clearly hard, even so the man says to a worker, "you seem happy."
"Why on earth would you think that?" replied the worker.


"Well, your constantly making light of things"

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The Italian Stallion and more

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired...

Good news and bad news

A company of soldiers have been trudging through tropical jungle for three sweaty, dirty days, on a forced march.
The Captain calls his men to fall in, and says 'I've got some good news and some bad news to tell you.
The good news is, you are all getting a change of underwear.'
'What's the ...

Just another blonde joke

There once was a blonde who always wanted to learn how to ride a horse. She kept talking herself out of it until one morning she woke up and decided this is it! She was going to do it!
So she found a horse she liked and jumped on. At first everything was going great and she’s thinking “well, this...

A symphony is preparing for a concert.

The crowds eagerly await this outdoor performance of the Hallelujah Chorus. However, it's the middle of June, and the heat is terrible. All the flutes, trumpets, and tubas are out of tune. The choir is miserable and sweaty.

Ultimately, they're forced to cancel the performance. It was simply t...

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Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And w...

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Donald Trump was on official states business in Spain [Long]

It was mostly successful. On the last night of his visit the while delegation was invited to dine with the king at his own restaurant up in the mountains. Cozy Mr. Trump orders the turtle soup for appetizers.

Everyone revives their meals one by one, all but Mr. Trump. When twenty minutes has...

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A husband and wife are copulating vigorously...

So this man and his wife are going at it with aplomb--making noise, screaming, and screwing each other's brains out. Their young son, hearing the commotion and fearing the worst, bursts into the room, sees his parents all naked and sweaty, and horrified, runs screaming down the hall. The husband tel...

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Heaven's New Rule

God was sitting with St. Peter and let him know of a new rule he wanted to implement. "If someone's last day on Earth is terrible, they get one more day."

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates ready to enact Heaven's new rule when the first soul approached.

St. Peter said "My son,...

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American businessman heads to Japan for some business. Knowing he's a good golfer and wanting to beat him, the Japanese business man gets him drunk and hires a woman for the night thinking he will not play a good game the next day.

The American and the Japanese girl go back to his room where they proceed to make passionate love.

As he starts to thrust, the girl starts moaning 'machigao...'

Taking this as a sign she likes it, he starts pumping even harder, the girl continues to push back at his hips saying 'machig...

I got home from school yesterday...

And my mom had made some spaghetti for an early dinner. The only problem was that it tasted really bad. I didn't think I would be able to eat it, but I know she's sensitive about her cooking, so I pushed through and finished my plate.

Everything was good until I woke up this morning and sta...

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Man at a motel in the middle of nowhere

This joke is actually best heard in Hindi, let's see how well it does translated.

A man is staying in a room at a motel at night in the middle of nowhere, on his way to a different city. Being the only establishment as far as the eye can see, let's just say the management is lax about basic u...

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Ping pong balls

Many years back there was a king who had the most beautiful daughter in all the lands. The king issues a challenge. "The first knight who can find the most ping pong balls gets to marry my daughter".

The first knight returns with 300 ping pong balls. Two days later, the second knight comes ...

The love story of 6 and 9

Sit children, and let me tell you the tale of a guy who was caught in a predicament.

One day a guy was mowing his lawn. He was about a 6, so let's call him that. 6 was mowing his lawn until a dog came running down the street. 6 chased the dog until he caught him. He turned around and saw that...

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A Bear and A Rabbit (Inspired by Eddie Murphy)(Long and Dirty)

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing. Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.

Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:

"I wish th...

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So i was banging this fat girl

I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said, "Are you going to eat that?"

"Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted.

"No, that," she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob.

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FREE BEER FOR LIFE!

A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall behind the bartender that reads: "FREE BEER FOR LIFE.. just ask your bartender how." Not paying much attention the guy walks over to the bar and orders a drink. After a half hour or so of having a few beers to himself he decides he's going to ask...

A CHP officer noticed a car going extremely slowly down a freeway…

It was going a little over 10 mph according to his radar gun, and as it was completely screwing up the rest of traffic, he decided to pull it over.

He notices that the driver is a blonde woman, and proceeds to go through the typical routine.

"Do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?" h...

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A woman is cheating on his husband and having group sex with three men...

When all of a sudden, the husband returns home from work early.

In a panic, the three men run to the backyard stark naked, and looking around, they see three large garbage bags and decide to hide in them and so each one gets into a bag.

The husband comes in the bathroom, sees his wife...

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A guy is walking down the road...

When he finds a ladder going straight toward clouds.
He climbs it and finds a really ugly, disgusting woman.
Who are you? He asks.
Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success.
He climbs further and finds an average looking woman and asks her:
"Do you want me to fuck you?" ...

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I took a dirt road to avoid a weigh station last week.

I drove my rig up a hill and around a sharp curve. As I started down a steep hill, I saw an old man and a young girl screwing in the middle of the dirt road.

I came to a screeching halt within inches of the old man's ass. I got out of my rig to see if they were OK, and ask why they didn't mo...

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A husband is leaving on another business trip

The husband, being worried that his wife will cheat on him while he is gone, decides to buy an adult toy for her. The husband goes to a sex shop and sees the guy working behind the counter. The husband, not knowing what to get his wife asks the cashier straight up, "I'm worried about my wife cheatin...

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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

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So, an old married couple goes to the doc . . .

for their annual checkups. He sees the husband first, and he seems healthy, so the doc asks if he has any complaints. "Well, doc, we're having a little trouble having sex. When we do it the first time, I get all hot and sweaty, but the second time, I get chills, and I feel like I'm freezing." ...

10 Things In Golf That Sound Naughty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You hav...

3 Cowboys

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were
about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the
three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight

The...

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Whilst working abroad, a man visits a brothel.

Whilst working abroad, a man visits a brothel. The Madame welcomes him inside and says, 'Well, Sir, what kind of girl turns you on most?' He says, 'I want a woman who weighs over 300 pounds: she must be as sweaty as a Sumo wrestler's armpits and as hairy as a gorilla: I want her to have thighs lik...

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It was summer and a bit too warm, so two guys decided to go out for a nice motorcycle ride.

The guy who was driving decided to speed up a little, and soon he was doing about 30 miles per hour. It felt good but he wanted to see how his pal was doing, so he turned around to get a good look. Contrary to himself who was enjoying the nice breeze, his friend was still sweating like crazy. Well I...

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In the final exam to be a CIA agent...

Competition to be a CIA Agent.
For the final exam, the CIA agents placed the candidates in front of a metal door and handed them a pistol.
"We want to make sure that you are able to follow orders,
Whatever the circumstances.
Then they say to the Frenchman:
"Behind this door you'll fin...

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