“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

Eating my clock took me all day

It was very time consuming

I grew worried when my programmer wife hadn't come out of her office all day.

I entered found her hunched over her laptop. "Honey, everything okay?"

"I'm working on a production defect!" she replied, not looking away from her screen.

"I know how those are!" I sympathized, and left her to concentrate.

An hour later she came downstairs in tears, flushed. Sh...

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.

They have run out of bottled water and decide to knock on the door of the 1 house on the block that is finished and occupied. An old lady answers , they tell their story and she invited them in.

They sit at her kitchen table to ensure the sofa stays clean. She goes to the kitchen to gath...

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My neighbor with huge tits keeps gardening outside shirtless all day

I just wish his wife would do the same

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I spent all day calling my mates to tell them about the 3 way I had last night with twins

One guy asked if I could tell them apart.

I said absolutely! Chris was a blonde with medium sized breasts, and Pat was a dude.

Where are you if a demon is forcing you to drink pee all day?

urine hell

My friend was cranky from fasting all day for Yom Kippur yesterday.

I’m sure it will Passover.

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

An american comes back to the old country and is trying to explain his childhood friend what america is all about. "I jump in my truck in the morning and drive all day, and by night I still have not reached the other side of my farm"

"I know, I got a car just like that"

I’ve been playing in the street all day wondering why I haven’t seen a single car

And then it hit me

Had a friend that loves to lay on my front porch in front of my door all day.

His name was Matt

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

A ventriloquist couldn’t get his puppet to talk all day.

The ventriloquist was at his wits end. They had a show that night! Finally he asked his puppet, “What’s gotten into you?!”

The puppet looked at him and finally said, “Your hand!”

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day

Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

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Woman to Doctor: “My husband wants intense sex all day! What can I give him?”

Doctor: “My number.”

My cat and dog keep calling each other and talking all day long!!!

I regret now, naming my dog 'Meow' and my cat 'Bow-Wow!'

For goodness sake you've had your nose in that book all day long, why?

I lost my bookmark

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It's just...

...Soda pressing.

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library.

They have an excellent non-friction section.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

What do you call an Irishman who sits around your back yard all day?

Paddy O’Furniture.

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I spent all day searching for an anti-diarrheal

I'm just trying to keep my shit together

IT jokes? I'll tell ya UDP jokes all day...

I don't care if you get 'em or not!

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

The Kit Kat manufacturer was so tired from working all day.

He just needed a break

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda.

Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

I was having lower back pain from having to stand all day at work and my wife suggested I try orthopedic footwear.

I told her it wouldn't help but she insisted.

I stand corrected.

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

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An Antarctic explorer has a sore ass from sitting on the ice all day.

Since there’s currently no doctor on base, he phones his doctor 5,000km away in Melbourne. The doctor says “it’s probably just piles, but since I can’t examine you, you’d better send a photo just in case it’s something more serious.”

Worried, the explorer blurts out “how the hell do I take a ...

This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park

What kind of friend says “Let’s go see Saw” and doesn’t turn up?

My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

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I get paid to write poop jokes all day long and post them here on reddit. Personally, I don’t really like doing my job...

Butt duty calls

Why do dragons sleep all day?

So they can fight knights!

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

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When the lockdown started, all I did was masturbate and watch TV all day.

After 3 weeks it got awkward and my coworkers decided to tell me how to turn my camera off on Zoom.

Me [45M] and my boyfriend [18M] went out. We got nasty looks, comments and derision thrown at us all day.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

My wife told me that she's fed up with me singing all day long.

I told her Don't stop me now.

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!

I hope the others don’t come back to the office too soon!

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier

But it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.

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My buddy was in a bad mood all day because of his hemorrhoids

No reason to get all butthurt about it

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My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

I was counting the money in my wallet and I remembered my microbiologist friend saying that money is the dirtiest thing you can touch all day. Turns out I have $144 in cash,

But I guess that’s just gross....

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes...

My boyfriend slammed me onto the table and banged me all day long

Life as a keyboard is good.

You can spend all day thinking of names for maneuverable armored warships...

.. but at some point you have to say ‘frigate’ and move on.

Dad jokes from my coworker that he won’t stop saying all day long...

I really hate when non dads say dad jokes. It’s such a faux-pa

We had a storm the other night and 25% of my roof flew away. Oof.

You know lance just isn’t as common of a name as it used to be. You know when it was? The Middle Ages. Guys were named lance a lot.

I've been jacking it all day and boy are my arms tired.

Being a car mechanic sure is rough.

I can watch the girl I like talk all day

Those cameras I bought recently are really good

My neighbors listen to All Star by Smash Mouth all day, every single day.

Whether they like it or not.

A husband and wife had been arguing all day

They passed a herd of jackasses, she drawls "relatives of yours?"

He says...
"Yes, in-laws"

I've been staring at topless models all day, just dreaming

But sadly, I can't afford the diecast convertible cars at the moment

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A man had spent all day drinking in a bar

By 10 at night he was incredibly drunk but still wanted more. However, he had run out of money.

"I've got to have another drink," he told the bartender. "Can't you give me one on credit?"

"You know the rules," replied the bartender. "No credit. But I'll tell you what I'll do. It's a ...

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

I've been trying unsuccessfully to move air around my apartment all day

I gotta say, I'm not a fan

Now that I'm wearing a face mask all day, half my face is constantly hot.

Not too bad being a 5/10

What do you call a rooster that stares at lettuce all day long?

Chicken sees a salad.

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

I once knew a homeless man named Cuatro Cinco. He would stand on the corner all day yelling, "Count 1,2,3... Count 1,2,3!!!"

One day I asked him,"Why should I count 1,2,3?"

He replied, "Because, Cuatro Cinco says!"

I was on a camping trip when the coronavirus outbreak was announced. To try to stop the spread, we stayed in our tents all day. I guess you could say,

the camping trip was in tents.

A Man swapped places with his wife to see what she did all day

A Man was constantly grumbling about how he had to work all day to provide for his family while his wife stayed home and did nothing.

God offered him a chance to swap places with his wife for a couple of days to see what it's like to be a woman, and he happily agreed.

First day of the...

Why do my parents get mad at me when I'm being lazy in my room all day?

I mean come on, I didn't even do anything

I’ve been singing “Wonderwall” all day. My wife asked me if I could stop.

I said, “Maybe”...

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

I've been coughing and sneezing all day and now I can't stop singing old Frank Sinatra songs.

I think I've got crooner virus.

I’m sick of my wife complaining about me sitting around all day.

I’m not going to stand for it.

My girlfriend smokes pot all day and works as a janitor in an apartment building.

She’s high maintenance.

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

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My girlfriend said that having sex all day isn’t productive.

And I said no, but it is reproductive.

My new neighbors are listening to Slayer all day long

They don't seem to like it much, but I'm sure they'll come around eventually.

If you spend all day in a well...

Well, that's a day well-spent!

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..

..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake

All day I felt like I forgot something very important, then Don Cherry reminded me..

I need to start looking for a job.

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A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is.

So the guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his right and sees a very large, muscular guy come in. The muscular guy pulls out his cock and it's fucking huge.
He goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to a ...

What do you call someone who’s spent all day underwater?

Dead

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

I walked up and down the beach all day looking for the perfect seashell, and I found it

It was littorally the best

The easiest thing I’ve done all day

I was in chemistry class, and was having problem with one of the questions, so I asked the girl next to me. She was very rude about it and after she finished the problem she said with an attitude, “There, that was the easiest thing I’ve done all day.” I brush it off and move on. Then, as it’s time ...

We can argue all day about what the best card game is but I think we can all agree...

Uno is number 1

I spent all day working on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers.

But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.

A man was coughing all day long and decided to go and see a doctor

So the man arrives at the doctor and explains the problem.

The doctor accidentally gave him laxative instead of coughing syrup but the man already left.

So a couple days later the man comes back for chek-up and the doctor asks: " alright, are you still coughing?"

The man replies...

I sleep all day and up all night

Guess I have bat habits : /

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

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A man goes to the unemployment office to complain about there phone service "It's just not good enough, i called all day yesturday and nobody answered"...

"What number did you call ?" The lady behind the front desk asks "08001730" the man says.
"That's our opening and closing times' she replies..

Today of all days, don’t forget the reason for the season...

...the axial tilt of the Earth relative to the sun.

I was playing outside all day with my daughter and when we got home, we noticed that I was completely sunburn!

She asked me, "Daddy, why didn't I get sunburn?"

I guffawed, "You can't, honey!"

She looked at me quizzically, "Really?"

I smiled, "You can only get daughterburn!"

I’m using Excel and told the boss that I’ve been Ctrl+F’ing all day.

She asked me if that was a polite way of swearing.

I've been trying to download this software ALL day..

I kept getting hung up at the end when it said "finish install". I'm Norwegian.

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

Bought a cheap horse over the weekend. Problem is she sleeps all day.

What a nightmare.

TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.

My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....

I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do chairs think about all day?

“Oh, jeez. Here comes another asshole”

What did the Amish husband say to his wife when she got back from working out on the farm all day?

Amish you.

After spending all day looking for the perfect vacuum I finally realised...

They all suck

My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.

I'm half inclined to agree with them.

My allergies had me sneezing all day

Feeling blessed

I spent all day yesterday bobbing up and down in the water.

It's all I've ever wanted to do since I was a little buoy.

A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day"

He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"

The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something..."

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"I don't pay you to fuck around all day!" I told a member of staff.

"Yes you do," she replied. "You really don't understand how to be a pimp."

What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjölnir all day?

He gets thor arms!

For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises.

She really wanted a hummer.

I was thinking of taking a new job where I'll care for horses all day. It's not a high paying job,

but it is a stable one.

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I’ve been kicking ass all day. Not taking names, just kicking ass.

But i work at the census bureau so I should probably start.

I've been making pottery by hand all day and boy howdy am I sore

You could say I'm Clay Aiken

I spent all day replacing the muffler on my car

It was exhausting

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tomorrow.

But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is very angry, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, her husband falls aslee...

I sat in traffic all day yesterday...

I feel so run-down.

A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."

The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's this guy that does nothing but masturbate and watch Netflix all day...

Oh wait... That's me.

A cook I work with spent all day making sausage puns

It was the wurst

I haven't eaten all day and now I can't hear anything...

I'm starving to deaf!

Yesterday I spent all day making a belt out of watches...

It was a waist of time.

I've been testing car emissions all day ...

I'm exhausted

Me: I just sit around the house complaining all day.

"So how's that working out for you"

Me: Can't complain

I could talk about the atomic structure all day...

But I'd rather not Bohr you about it.

Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day

- Jared Fogle

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