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All Day Jokes

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

A Man Has Been Drinking All Day At A Bar...

A man has been drinking all day at a local bar and checks his watch.

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly on the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

...

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

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I hated my old job where all I did was push buttons all day…

…it was depressing.

Did you hear about the cow who spent all day every day in the gym?

It was pretty beefed up

My kids have been on eBay all day

If they're still there tomorrow, I'll lower the price.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

I've been searching for an anagram of "tired" all day.

Oh well, I tried.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes...

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

My dad spent all day putting a clock on his belt

It was a waist of time

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

The door-to-door magazine salesman lugged around a 50-lb. sample case all day.

He had a lot of back issues.

Me and my friends argued all day what to call a medieval soldier

But it was getting late, so we called it a knight

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My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

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Woman: Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day. What can i give him?

Doctor: My number

My wife just lays in bed all day

She’s atrophy wife

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I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.

You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”

What does Homer Simpson do all day as he recovers from monkeypox?

He watches "The Itchy and Scratchy Show".

My neighbors listen to All Star by Smash Mouth all day, every single day.

Whether they like it or not.

I used to have a job crushing cans in a soft drink factory all day.

It was soda pressing.

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I used to work with a guy who watched porn all day

I’m just glad he didn’t begin to rub off on me

my wife left me cuz I spend all day playing RPGs..

now i'm not the mana used to be

My wife: Instead of thinking about stupid jokes all day, why don’t you write a book instead?

Me: That’s…..a novel idea.

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

They say sitting all day is the new smoking, so I make sure to get up and walk outside each hour

They don’t let me take smoke breaks indoors anyway

a man had travelled all day , and stoped at an inn to rest for a few days

man: "what are the rates for a room with 1 bed ? "
Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
man: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood

Well, after spending all day worrying about a food shortage at the annual spoonerism contest...

it turns out it was just a lack of pies!

4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.

They have run out of bottled water and decide to knock on the door of the 1 house on the block that is finished and occupied. An old lady answers , they tell their story and she invited them in.

They sit at her kitchen table to ensure the sofa stays clean. She goes to the kitchen to gath...

Why do dragons sleep all day?

So they can fight knights!

IT jokes? I'll tell ya UDP jokes all day...

I don't care if you get 'em or not!

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

Where are you if a demon is forcing you to drink pee all day?

urine hell

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I spent all day searching for an anti-diarrheal

I'm just trying to keep my shit together

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

A husband and wife had been arguing all day

They passed a herd of jackasses, she drawls "relatives of yours?"

He says...
"Yes, in-laws"

I grew worried when my programmer wife hadn't come out of her office all day.

I entered found her hunched over her laptop. "Honey, everything okay?"

"I'm working on a production defect!" she replied, not looking away from her screen.

"I know how those are!" I sympathized, and left her to concentrate.

An hour later she came downstairs in tears, flushed. Sh...

My friend was cranky from fasting all day for Yom Kippur yesterday.

I’m sure it will Passover.

I sleep all day and up all night

Guess I have bat habits : /

A ventriloquist couldn’t get his puppet to talk all day.

The ventriloquist was at his wits end. They had a show that night! Finally he asked his puppet, “What’s gotten into you?!”

The puppet looked at him and finally said, “Your hand!”

What does a barista from Israel do all day?

He brews

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day

Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

The Kit Kat manufacturer was so tired from working all day.

He just needed a break

Me [45M] and my boyfriend [18M] went out. We got nasty looks, comments and derision thrown at us all day.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

I stood nearby the docks all day trying to search for a huge ship they once told me I would find there…

... but it never showed up. Guess it was all just a ferry tale.

I can watch the girl I like talk all day

Those cameras I bought recently are really good

Had a friend that loves to lay on my front porch in front of my door all day.

His name was Matt

I've been staring at topless models all day, just dreaming

But sadly, I can't afford the diecast convertible cars at the moment

For goodness sake you've had your nose in that book all day long, why?

I lost my bookmark

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A man had spent all day drinking in a bar

By 10 at night he was incredibly drunk but still wanted more. However, he had run out of money.

"I've got to have another drink," he told the bartender. "Can't you give me one on credit?"

"You know the rules," replied the bartender. "No credit. But I'll tell you what I'll do. It's a ...

I spent all day working on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers.

But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.

Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda.

Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.

What do you call an Irishman who sits around your back yard all day?

Paddy O’Furniture.

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

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I spent all day calling my mates to tell them about the 3 way I had last night with twins

One guy asked if I could tell them apart.

I said absolutely! Chris was a blonde with medium sized breasts, and Pat was a dude.

I've been jacking it all day and boy are my arms tired.

Being a car mechanic sure is rough.

My boyfriend slammed me onto the table and banged me all day long

Life as a keyboard is good.

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

You can spend all day thinking of names for maneuverable armored warships...

.. but at some point you have to say ‘frigate’ and move on.

My new neighbors are listening to Slayer all day long

They don't seem to like it much, but I'm sure they'll come around eventually.

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An Antarctic explorer has a sore ass from sitting on the ice all day.

Since there’s currently no doctor on base, he phones his doctor 5,000km away in Melbourne. The doctor says “it’s probably just piles, but since I can’t examine you, you’d better send a photo just in case it’s something more serious.”

Worried, the explorer blurts out “how the hell do I take a ...

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What do chairs think about all day?

“Oh, jeez. Here comes another asshole”

My allergies had me sneezing all day

Feeling blessed

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My buddy was in a bad mood all day because of his hemorrhoids

No reason to get all butthurt about it

I’ve been playing in the street all day wondering why I haven’t seen a single car

And then it hit me

I've been trying unsuccessfully to move air around my apartment all day

I gotta say, I'm not a fan

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjölnir all day?

He gets thor arms!

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park

What kind of friend says “Let’s go see Saw” and doesn’t turn up?

I've been trying to download this software ALL day..

I kept getting hung up at the end when it said "finish install". I'm Norwegian.

Dad jokes from my coworker that he won’t stop saying all day long...

I really hate when non dads say dad jokes. It’s such a faux-pa

We had a storm the other night and 25% of my roof flew away. Oof.

You know lance just isn’t as common of a name as it used to be. You know when it was? The Middle Ages. Guys were named lance a lot.

TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.

My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....

I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

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My girlfriend said that having sex all day isn’t productive.

And I said no, but it is reproductive.

What do you call a rooster that stares at lettuce all day long?

Chicken sees a salad.

I sat in traffic all day yesterday...

I feel so run-down.

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I've had this annoying boner all day

My penis has been really acting up lately

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

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