UPJOKE
plasticanti-lockmusclesphysiquetummynipplestorsoglutespushupcbnapsavbabhagi

Abs Jokes

How did Jesus maintain his killer abs?

Cross Fit

80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.

80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.

My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said 'This didn't happen by accident'

I said ' if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer' .

Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?

He did CrossFit.

Why did the quantum physicist have such toned abs?

Because they planck constant.

I've been going to the gym for five years now and I still don't have abs.

It sucks being the cleaner.

Why is Jesus always shown with a 6 pack of abs?

Because he's cross fit.

Why do all bodybuilders train their Abs?

It's practically oblique-atory

I play hide and seek with my abs.

They are really good at it.

What do you call a Snowman with six-pack abs?

What do you can a Snowman with six-pack abs?


An Abdominal Snowman.

I have Abs

olutely wasted my gym membership.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

My abs are like my girlfriend

I don't have a girlfriend

People who truly love their 6 pack abs...

Will protect them with a layer of fat.

What's the difference between my abs and my mother-in-law?

Unfortunately, I won't be seeing my abs over Christmas.

I've got washboard abs.

But unfortunately there is a load of laundry sitting on the washboard.

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

Hey Jesus. How did you get abs and look so lean with muscular definition?

Jesus: Well basically a strict diet and CROSS FIT.

My abs are like ghost

I can feel their presence but cannot see them

Why did the scientist have such strong abs?

Because he kept his Planck’s constant

Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

What do you call a person with normal abs in a universe full of fat people

Abnormal

They say abs are made in the kitchen

But i can only make rolls

My abs are so perfect...

...that i keep them safe and sound under a protective layer of beer belly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 17 and I like to write jokes in my spare time. Thought reddit might like to hear some.

I think blonde jokes are awful. I mean, the poor things don't even understand them.

So I got this pair of shoes that cost me an arm and a leg. Luckily, my mom still pays for everything.

Statistics have shown that 9 out of 11 people are offended by this joke.

I've yet to be dispr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) Crashing Plane

The pilot comes on the intercom and announces "ladies and gentlemen we just lost our engines, we are going down, prepare to crash."

A woman jumps up screaming "I AM NOT READY TO DIE, I"M STILL A VIRGIN, SOMEONE MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF ME!

A good looking guy gets up, walks to her, and takes...

Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs?

He was the original cross-fit.

What do you call a rapper will killer abs?

6Pac

Loving beer and wanting abs is hard

So I had to cancel my gym membership due to conflict of interests

What are the strongest blood types?

ABs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

My abs are like young children when a new person visits their house

They’re there but nowhere to be seen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.


The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

I don't have a beer gut.

I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

Why does each Jedi have a fat stomach and saggy ass?

Only a Sith deals in abs n glutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat...

As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, sm...

So a head rolls into a bar...

This guy only has a head. No neck, no torso, no limbs.

He gets helped up onto the bar and asks for whiskey on ice, with a bendy straw so he can drink, and the bartender obliges.

He starts talking with the bartender and the other guy at the bar, answering questions about how he lives wi...

Car trouble

I've had the ABS function activated on my car for years, but my gut is as big as ever.

Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate double standards.

A guy with 6 pack abs was shirtless yesterday and nobody gave a shit. But today, I was hot and decided to take my shirt off and people looked disgusted and I got the police called on me. All I did was let my tits hang out. Why is this a problem?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is traveling in an airplane..

All of a sudden the airplanes engine stalls. "The plane is going down. I repeat, the plane is going down!" The Pilot announces,

The woman starts to panic. "No! No! I can't die like this! I've been single for 15 years! I need a man to make me feel like a woman one last time!"

A very han...

How do programmers get a sixpack?

int[][] abs = new int[2][3]

Just did some crunches while hugging my cat

Just trying to get purrfect abs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian Joke about Weather

Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.