700 Jokes - 52 Hilarious 700 Jokes

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

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3500 years ago, the Greeks discovered that you couldn't get pregnant through anal sex.

700 years later, the Romans discovered that it also worked with women.

It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog

So I booked a United flight instead

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

When Apple created the $700 wheels...

Did they expect profits to start rolling in?

13,700,000,007

A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.

The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, “When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years...

Dentist: "This is going to hurt a bit. Ready?"

Me, shutting my eyes, dreading this moment: "Yes, ready."

Dentist: "That will be $700 please."

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

I found a 1,700 yard rock the other day....

It was a real milestone.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third B...

A Punjabi latifa (joke), translated.

The government, via the local mosque, announces that every married couple will receive 100, 000 rupees for every child they have, as a sort of relief check.

Johnny, a poor man with 7 kids, hears this joke.

He tells his wife, "O wife, we have 7 kids, and we will receive 700,000 rupees ...

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Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that’s been thrown over 700 miles away? Or would you say that idea is…

far fetched?

The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -

The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.

S. W.

Everyone on /r/wallstreetbets is buying uranium in the hope of getting rich, but they're in for a nasty surprise

They're expected to lose 50% of their investment over the next 700 million years.

Super Bowl tickets

Short notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl. They are box seats that he spent $5,700 a piece for which includes transportation to and from the stadium, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.

What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them th...

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I accidentally dropped my swear jar

About 700 motherfuckers escaped.

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700

You are really mad, the doctor said.

The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.

You are not far from death, the doctor said.

The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.

BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?

The doctor asked.

He replied, "I ...

A lady decided to treat herself to a nice night at a fancy hotel

She comes into a beautiful and lavish room, and spends a relaxing evening in there. The next morning, she goes to the lobby to pay.

“700 dollars?! That’s ridiculous, no way this place is worth that much!” she exclaimed.

The desk clerk, in a tired voice, explained. “This is a top of the...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.....

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leath...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

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There are two men hiking through the jungle

They come across a village of native Indians who take them hostage. The leader tells them that they have two options for punishment. Death or boomba?

“Well I don’t wanna die so I’ll choose boomba” says the first guy.

Then comes out boomba. A 700 hundred pound naked man covered in wart...

Husband and wife are out shopping

.
Wife: Honey, look what nice shoes I found! I just forgot my wallet ...
The husband is reaching for his, the wife is already happy.
- How many are these shoes? - he asks.
- 700.
The husband gives her 50 zlotys and says:
- Then take a cab and get your wallet.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

Boy: Would you like to be the sun of my life? Girl: Awwww yes!!!

Boy: Good then stay 92,935,700 miles away from me.

Lucky Number 7

I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it’s number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in...

My roommate says that our house is haunted.

But i live there for around 700 years and I've never seen anything.

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

Great deal

One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eight hundred dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I c...

Went to the gym today...had a bad experience...

I was just doing my usual routine ... which is just like 700 kilo pull downs and 780 Kilo squats and 1000 kilo shoulder presses...and then I got really annoyed because a chicken was running around the gym ....and then I went to the owner of the gym and I said “why is there a chicken in here?! I’m tr...

Cardiologist and Motorcycle mechanic

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a

Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take

a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across ...

Wanted: Circumcision surgeon

$700 per week, plus tips.

Not to brag, but I’m on the “World’s Richest People” list.

Somewhere around 6,700,000,000th.

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What do the iPhone 5 and Viagra have in common?

They're both $700 for an extra inch!

"I broke a statue"

Museum Administrator : "Sir, that's a 700 year old statue that you just broke"

Visitor : "oh..really ?....thank God...I thought its brand new"

Scientists develop the world's most intelligent supercomputer.

After years of hard work an army of scientists, programers and mathematicians have succeeded in developing the world's most intelligent supercomputer. This computer, with enough time can answer any question. The scientists go about asking it questions which significantly impact the world. Many quest...

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest.

Burt and Mack are climbing Mount Everest when suddenly Burt falls in to a crevasse 1000 ft. deep.
“Hey Burt! Are you alive?” shouts Mack from above.
“Yeah I am.”
“I’m going to drop down a rope, grab onto it and I’ll pull you out.”
“I can’t. My arms are broken.”
“Okay then w...

The Blonde and the Mechanic and her Neighbor

One day, a blonde was driving from her mothers house home. On the way, she got caught in a hail storm. Thinking it would be best, she pressed on and sped to get home. When she arrived home, she parked her car in the garage and went inside to go to sleep.

Upon waking in the morning, she went d...

A Conference of Blondes

One day, all the blondes in America got fed up about being mocked for their lack of intelligence. Therefore, they decided to hold the first annual "Blondes Are Not Dumb" conference to show the world that they were not actually dumb. To that end, they invited the local professor on stage and selected...

Once upon a time, a man appear...

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers...

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A boy is playing in a closet when his mother and her lover come in the room

A boy is playing in a closet when his mother and her lover come into the room. They start making love, with the boy still unnoticed in the closet. Suddenly the door is heard from downstairs.

"Shit, it's my husband, quickly, hide in the closet!" the mother commands her lover.

While in t...

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent and asks “Sir, I’ve lost my rifle, What do I have to do to get another” The Commanding officer says “Well if that’s the case we will take the 700 pounds out of your pay check to purchase a new one” the officer turns around to fill out the paper work ...

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A guy walks into a Pet Shop.

He says he is looking for the best pet, a "companion".
The seller says "I have a parrot, a very smart one, he speaks in English, Spanish and German, and he knows some physics and mechanics"
The client, surprised, asks for the price, the seller says 500 USD.
The client, still hyped for the p...

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

A priest asks the husband to donate according to how much his wife is worth

"Is your wife understanding?" the priest asks. The husband says "yes, she is very understanding" and takes his wallet and donates $700.

"Is your wife caring?" the priest asks. The husband says "yes, my wife cares about me a lot" and takes his wallet and donates $500.

"Is your wife lo...

A woman goes into vet because of her bird

A woman goes into vet because of her bird, after about an hour the doctor comes out and the conversation begins.

Doctor: “I’m sorry but your bird is dead”

Owner: “Is there anything you can do?”

Doctor: “Well we can try but I cannot promise anything.”

The doctor brings in...

Two Irish guys walk into a pet shop

Seamus heads straight over to the back of the shop, knowing what he's looking for, and Finton follows shortly behind.

"Dats dem up der!" Says Seamus, pointing at high up bird cage. "Oi'll tek two a dem budgies up der," He says to the shopkeeper, "an wouldya put em in a pepper bag?"

So...

Diesel Fitter

Because of the down turn of the economy, Marv and Billy were laid off. They went to the unemployment office to file for unemployment.

When asked his occupation, Marv said, "Crotch sewer. I sew the crotches on to panty hose." The clerk looked up sewer and found it classified as unskilled labo...

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A Pope Joke,..

Pope Benny Ratzinger was out on Romes high street looking for a replacement Popemobile.The old one was getting long in the tooth and way past its prime. John Paul had never take service and oil change stickers seriously.

Now this is before all the austerity stuff was really kicking in,and h...

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