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Creak Jokes

The PI awakens to a creaking door...

A rookie steps into his office with a manilla folder.


"Another murder case?" Quips the private investigator, "Uh-huh" goes the rookie as he slides the folder across the desk.


Upon opening it, the room is filled to the brim with crows.

Why do houses creak and groan as they settle?

They lack proper lumber support ...

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

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Guy walks into a bar

with an alligator under one arm and a shillelagh in the other.

He walks up and slings the alligator up onto the bar and brutally WHACKS it over the head with the club.

The alligator’s mouth verrrry slowly creaks open, revealing a gaping maw of savage teeth.

The guy whips out hi...

Buckingham Palace say the Queen will interrupt her annual stay in Balmoral in Scotland to hold an audience with the incoming new prime minister.

Creaking a bit, with limited mobility, but still doggedly in charge, the Tory party gets its new leader on September 5th.

Newly Married Couple from honeymoon

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife.

"Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in...

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George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Trump die in a plane crash

They go up to the pearly gates to be judged. Each of them finds himself standing in front of a huge oak door. Then a voice booms out, "George Bush, you have led a sinful life, now this will be your punishment throughout all eternity."

They Bush's door creaks open and an ugly old witch comes o...

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

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Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

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An old couple are sitting on their porch . . .

(One of my favorites, though I'm sure it's probably been posted at some point)

An old couple are sitting on the porch in their rocking chairs, watching the sunset quietly. After a long stretch broken only by the creaking of their chairs, the old woman reaches down, picks up her cane, and swi...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

A little boy and a man are walking hand-in-hand down a forest path at dusk...

The shadows are lengthening, a breeze is blowing, dead leaves are skittering, tree branches are rattling & creaking and the underbrush is rustling. The little boy looks up at the man and says, "Gee, it sure is scary in these woods!" The man replies, "You think you're scared, kid. I gotta walk ...

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

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my school life sucks.

my teachers are awful and give too much homework, they’re also so mean to anyone who tries to ask a question, and are always taking extra time just to pick on me, just being total jerks.

my classmates are equally bad, being big bullies to anyone they see, always stealing my work, tapping thei...

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

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A cheating wife and her lover are in bed together

A cheating wife and her lover are in bed together one night when the woman's husband comes home early from work.

"Quick, hide under the bed" she says, panicking. No sooner had the man crawled under the bed than the husband comes walking in.

"I left early babe, couldn't wait to come h...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

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Black hand....

A stranger walks into a wild western town, he's a stranger passing through and needs to find a bed for the night.

He calls in at the local saloon and finds himself a place at the end of the bar while he tries to figure out his best options of a bed. The place is rammed, card games, piano play...

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Doctor: I have some bad news to tell you. I’m afraid.

Me: what is it?

Doctor: I just told you, I’m afraid. What if one of my patients die, what if the big doctor is real, what if there’re ghost here.

Me: but ghost don’t exist

*footsteps approach*

*Door creaks open*

Ghost: what the fuck is a big doctor?

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day...

A police officer pulls up to a stop sign

A police officer pulls up to a stop sign with a beaten up Toyota Camry in front of him. The officer comes to a stop and waits, but the Camry refuses to move. The officer waits a minute and begins to get agitated. Finally, the officer gets out of the police car and walks up to the Camry. The window c...

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Jim walks into a bar with his arm in a sling.

He sits next to his friend Bill and orders two shots of whiskey.

Bill asks him, "How'd you break your arm, Jim?"

Jim downs a shot of whiskey and says, "Well, you see, about two years ago--"

Bill interrupts him, "Woah woah, two YEARS! You didn't break your arm two YEARS ago!"
...

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An 80 year old man visits a brothel looking for a "date"...

but all of the girls are busy, so the madame takes him to her room. Eventually, after the lights go out, the unmistakable sounds of a great and furious copulation are heard. He was huffing and puffing, she was screaming and pleading, the floor was creaking ,and the bed was squeaking, until at last, ...

Walnut daiquiris

Old Doc Brown had a peculiar routine for the end of his workday. He would always stop at the bar on his walk home and slowly sip a walnut daiquiri. Like clockwork, 5 days a week for 20 years, Doc Brown would stroll in at 6pm, sit at the end of the bar, and drink his daiquiri.

Jack tended the ...

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Mommy frog went out to get some groceries

so she tells her two little boys, Steven and James, to be good little frogs while she was gone. Seconds after she went out, Steven excitedly tells James he knew where daddy frog hid his long-kept porn stash. James thought that the idea of "borrowing" their dad's vintage Playboys and 80's VHS is bad ...

A pirate buys a cheap ship

One day, a pirate decided that it was time to be captain of his own ship. The only problem was that he didn't have much money, only a few gold pieces to his name.

So, he went to the local shipyard and spoke to a salesman. He handed over his gold and was brought a decent sized ship. He didn't ...

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Little Jimmy wakes up at night to get some water.

He rubs the sleep out of his eyes and walks to the kitchen. On the way, he passes the bathroom and sees the light is on. Knowing how his father is about the electric bill, he goes to shut it off.

When he opens the bathroom door he sees his mother bent over the bathroom sink, and his dad's ra...

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Genies need love too

A man and wife decided to take up golf as a new hobby that they could do together. Both complete amateurs, they found a local course and went down with a bucket of balls and a cooler of beers. After driving most of their balls off the course and into the woods they were about to call it quits when ...

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

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How The Government Works

One day, a teacher assigns her kids to do some homework; ask their parents/guardians what the government is, since that's their next lesson. Little Johnny, one of her students, goes home that night and asks his father.

"Well," Dad says, "Think of it this way. I'm the president, Mom is the Con...

We find Jesus...

We find Jesus playing golf one beautiful cloud free day (as heaven is floating on clouds) He is joined by Moses and an elderly man wearing tacky old golf clothing.

Moses plays first, he swings his golf stick with precision befitting a man who has used a staff since dawn of humanity, the ball...

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

Jar Full of $10 Bills

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the ...

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Heaven started to get a bit crowded, so God appeared to St. Peter, guardian of the Pearly Gates, and says...

"Peter, in order to accommodate all those who deserve the luxury of heaven, you must now ask them how they died. If it is tragic enough, you may grant them entry."


"Very well," complies St Peter.


After a time, the first soul arrives and St. Peter exclaims, "Welcome to the King...

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

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A farmer has 1000 chickens.

He keeps them all in a large barn behind his house. He makes a comfortable living from selling their eggs. One day, however, the chickens' egg production drops off sharply. Days and weeks go by, and the chickens continue to lay fewer and fewer eggs. Worried for his livelihood, the farmer makes a num...

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Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)

A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.

The door crea...

Another "guy goes to a monastery" joke - an oldie but a goodie

This is an old one, so apologies if its been here before (I haven't seen it yet, but I don't check /r/jokes every day). I'm a bit bored at the moment, so I've embellished it a bit! enjoy :)

So, this guy is hiking in the Himalayas, as you do, and, as he's hiking up the narrow, rock-strewn path...

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The Secret of the Monastery

One night, a young man got lost in the woods while out hunting. As he walked to and fro to find a familiar landmark, he stumbled upon a very old and dreary looking building. He banged at the wooden double doors and called out, "Help please! I am lost! Could you help me?"

The door opened with ...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

One big happy family.

My wife and I got married last summer, we were together since we were teens, she was the only person that wanted to be with me, and she was the only one I wanted to be with, other than my best friend ofcource , he’s the only other one I’d spend my time with, and it helped that my friend and my then ...

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I was talking to a farmer in a pub....

I was in a pub out the back of nowhere, with a mate, and we struck up a great conversion with an old farmer at the bar. I asked him to tell us a bit about himself, and he told is this great story.

"See, I loved tractors, right, ever since I was a little kid, my dad would take me out to lots ...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

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