Murmur Jokes - 98 Hilarious Murmur Jokes

An elderly Chinese man is on his deathbed. To his three sons he produces a small bundle of chopsticks… “My sons…” he murmurs, “these chopsticks…”

“I know, father!” says the eldest son. “These chopsticks are like your children, right?” The father shakes his head. “These chopsticks…” he tries again.

“I know, father!” says the middle son. “When we are united, we are unbreakable, right?” He begins with flex the bundle and true enough they...

A man in a bar is drinking whiskey and says: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much...

Then he turns to the bartender and says: give me another one, even though... with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
As soon as he finishes drinking, he goes back to the bartender and asks for another whiskey, still murmuring: with what I have, I shouldn't be drinking so much.
A...

A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one o...

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A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

One night, a husband murmured in his sleep, "Oh, Emily, you're the one that got away."

The wife, wide awake beside him, bolted up and exclaimed, "Emily? Who is Emily?"

The husband, still in the depths of slumber, muttered, "Emily, your laughter is the melody of my heart."

The wife, now fully awake and boiling with anger, shook him vigorously and demanded, "I demand...

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Husband gets home and tells his wife

"quick, get me a beer before it starts."

She gets the beer. He chugs it and says "quick, get me another before it starts."

She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says "quick, get me another beer before it starts."

The wife replies "if you want another beer you lazy bastar...

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

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My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there...

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"

The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

The Stolen Horse

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the ...

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I ...

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

Advice

A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his 85 year old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm.

He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him.

When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "...

A man and a woman get married

After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.

As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.

The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, peo...

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Man goes on holiday to Italy

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed t...

Empty Cart

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

A sheriff walks into a saloon, the doors swinging on their hinges behind him

“I’m gonna need your attention” he exclaims.

Everyone in the bar hushes up.

“I’m lookin’ for a wanted man” says the sheriff.

“What’s he look like sheriff?” asks a patron standing at the bar.

The sheriff responds “Well now, he’s been seen wearing a brown paper shirt, brown...

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Fright flight!

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane.

Both men are using guide dogs and ap...

The blonde and the crocodile.

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts
the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll ope...

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howev...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

Psychedelic Harmony..

There I was, in the middle of nowhere.. Not a body for miles around.. As I lay in the silence, I started hearing murmurs; whispers of tales and epics long past.. The silence was talking to me.. I fell into a sweet melancholy.. As I listened to the silence, a calm trance took hold of me, the harmony ...

A shady robed man walks into Disney studios.

As he takes off his hood, he reveals the skull of a face he has underneath. The artists and director pause and murmur with each other.

"Are you lost?", they finally ask him.

"No. I'm fairly certain this is the right place. I bring back the dead with just a touch, a skill requir...

Babytalk

A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many ...

It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...

One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.

Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.

A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate,...

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

A young mother was trying to breastfeed her 2 years old crying baby on a bus on her way home.

''Oh John, come on. Not now! If you
don't open your mouth ..." She glanced at an old man sitting right next to her and whispered under her breath ''I will nurse the old man!"

But the baby kept crying and whining.

''John. Stop crying. Or I'll nurse the old man! Now open your mouth!"...

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I was checking into a hotel with my family and given that my sons are in their teens...

I murmured to the receptionist: "Is the porn channel disabled?"

"No," she snarled, "it's the regular kind, you sick fuck!"

The Pharasees brought an adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned to death.

They had brought her to test Jesus. He turned to them and shouted, "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The people gathered around all paused and looked at one another. Then an elderly woman in the back bent down and hoisted the largest rock she could carry over her shoulders. She...

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times...

Yes, it was the middle of the French Revolution, and Robespierre and his revolutionaries had gathered up a priest, a member of the aristocracy and an engineer, packed them into a tumbrel and dragged them off to the square to the waiting guillotine.

First they dragged the priest up onto the pl...

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straigh...

The Botched Executions

Obligatory first time posting so I'm hoping I follow all the guidelines and you all like the joke!

A Priest, Lawyer and Engineer are traveling together in a foreign country and unfortunately get arrested. They are all three set to be executed by guillotine.

The Priest is all set up, a ...

A blonde goes to a barber with a pair of headphones on...

The barber asks for her to take them off so he can cut her hair and she screams that he can't. He murmurs under his breath but begins to attempt to cut her hair. He is almost finished but he can't cut the hair under the damn headphones. He decides to make the decision himself by removing them. Once ...

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An Armenian survived a plane crash in Africa

But it seemed that fate held a grudge against him: he was captured by cannibals and was taken to be served as dinner that same night. When fire got ready, the cannibals brought the poor Armenian to the public eating place, feet and hands tied to the big single barbeque rod, ready to be roasted for g...

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

One small step for Man

A friend of Neil Armstrong said when you landed on the moon,
in all the excitement, how the hell did you come up with that great saying …

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?

Just Amazing to be able to come up with that, on the spur of the moment!

Neil said i d...

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

The place goes dead silent. The cowboy orders a drink, and the bartender asks, “Boy, you know you ain’t got no clothes on?”

“Yup,” drawls the cowboy, “but it ain’t my fault.”

“Ain’t yer fault?” says another fella in disbelief. “How’d you get nekkid, t...

“It’s about time I told you an important thing,” I said to my 15 year old son.

“What is it dad?” He asked.

“You were adopted,” I murmured.

“That’s impossible!” He exclaimed, “We look the same.”

“Well,” I replied, “That’s because we are Chinese.”

A guy walks into a pawn shop, there's a brass statue of a cat.

He asks the shopkeeper, "How much for the statue?" Shopkeeper replies, "$20 for the statue, $20,000 for the story." He says various unkind words, pays $20 and takes his statue.

He walks down the street, but he starts hearing a murmuring noise behind him. Something small and subtle, he can't p...

A bishop is giving a lecture in a church in his diocese

He says, "times sure are changing, and kids growing up today aren't being a part of church as much as I'd like them too. Here's what I propose: Every married couple should have 3 kids- one to walk the path of the dad's will, one to walk the path of the mom's will and one to serve the church. For fam...

The LAST Last Supper

On the eve of his crucifixion, Christ gathered his disciples for a final meal.

As he broke bread, Christ turned to the table and said, "On this night, one of you shall betray me."

There is a panicked murmur among the disciples.

Finally Peter steps forward. "Is it I, Lord? Am I ...

Dinner with Girlfriends parents..

Ambitious boyfriend visits a chemist store to buy some condoms for the evening..

The store owner recommends him some new flavoured and textured codoms and the guy talks at length with him on the evolution of condoms and finally buys a pack of six..

Upon reaching his girlfriends place i...

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Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Snow White, while living among the dwarves, had come to puberty. This did not go unnoticed by the dwarves. Being the little perverts they are, they decided to climb on each other's shoulders outside her window to peep on her changing. The one on top would then whisper the one below what he sees, who...

Two Math Professors in a Bar

Two professors, American and Soviet, are sitting in a bar in the middle of Moscow. They begin to have a heating conversation about levels of education in general population of their countries.

Soviet professor takes a break to go to the bathroom, and on the way there he stops their waitress a...

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Interesting Farmers Market

A young man was driving to work when he realized he had forgotten his lunch.

As he drove frustrated with himself he came across a farmers market with and interesting sign,

“apples that taste like pussy”

Better than nothing he said.
As he bit into his first apple he was gre...

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An elderly married couple are at the doctor's, and he has some bad news.

"Mrs Smith," he says, "I'm afraid you have developed quite a serious heart murmur. In view of your age and frailty, I cannot recommend surgery. You still have several years left to you if you are careful to avoid excitement, and in particular, I have to emphasise that, if you have continued to be se...

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...

...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."

White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and a...

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

Anesthesia

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband w...

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(NSFW) A young man decided to have his first time with a prostitute.

As she lay on her back, she murmured, "Put your finger into me."

The young man did.

Then she said, "Put two fingers into me."

The young man did.

Then she said, "Put three fingers into me."

The young man did.

Then she said, "Put your whole hand into me."
<...

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting on a bench at the park...

A priest and a rabbi were sitting on a bench at the park. They both watched with interest as a troop of boy scouts marched by on a nature walk. Through the side of his mouth, the priest murmurs to the Rabbi, "I'd sure like to screw those boys over there..."

To which the Rabbi replies, "Screw ...

Long ago, in a faraway land, there was a traveller.

He wanted to sell a goat, but no one wanted it. He travelled far and wide to see if anyone wanted it.

One day, he reached a small town in the desert. Before he entered the town, he decided to take a nap under a tree, and tied up his goat nearby.

On waking up a few hours later, he found...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

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When I was an enthusiastic 25-year-old I was once chatting to an older woman in a bar...

...she must have been mid-40s if she was a day, but she had taken really good care of herself, she was dressed to kill, and she was confident, secure in herself, and knew what she wanted.

Anyway as the evening wore on it became clearer and clearer what was on both our minds, and towards closi...

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The truth-talking dog

A man had built great wealth, touring the globe with a truth-talking dog.

A friendly local thought this was too good to be true and paid the $50 entry fee to see for himself.

As he entered, the dog started immediately:
“Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon”
“The square ro...

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

Priest/Nun - Man/Wife

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sh...

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Day after a bachelor party... (NSFW)

Three buddies go to a friend's bachelor party, and the next day they all meet up for lunch. Joe says
"Guys, I was so wasted last night, I got home and tried to fuck the vacuum cleaner. Now I have a giant hickey on my nuts!" The others nod in sympathy. Chris says
"I was so hammered, I went in m...

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

Stop laughing, we are all SENIORS !!!!

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

---

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but ...

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So a 98 year old Jewish guy...

....wins a $250,000,000 lottery. He has to take the lump some, and knows he'll never spend it all, so he throws a huge party. Everyone from his Temple and everyone else he knows is there. He hands out scholarships that will last generations. He pays for great Grand children's weddings in advance. He...

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Small village

In a country,there was a small village which has very bad winter conditions. So bad that , no communication, no WiFi,no transportation to anywhere.
One of correspandant of a newspaper decided to write an essay about that' village.
He set off and hardly reached to village. He found the sheriff ...

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A guy dies and goes to heaven...

He’s a little worried because he’s not a religious person, nor has he ever been a religious person. But Peter greets him, smiling. “Welcome! Come on in!”

Confused, the man asks, “Really? But I’m not religious at all.”

Peter grins and shrugs. “That doesn’t matter,” he says. “Overall, yo...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

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Last night, my husband and I were talking about what we wanted if we died.

He explained to me that he wanted to make sure that our three children were taken care of, as well as me. He went over the life insurance policy he’d gotten from work, and it was very generous. Being a huge social butterfly, he wanted a big funeral, with a fun after party and he wanted to be buried....

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

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A group of students were in a morgue...

A group of students were in a morgue. They were eager to learn more from their professor. He stood at the front of the class right next to a fresh corpse.

He turned to the class and said
“The first rule of my class is to be totally devoted to the class. I need you to each do exactly as I...

A man with an alligator walks in a bar

He tells the bartender he’s a street performer and would like to perform. The bartender is curious about his act so he allows it. The man stands up holding his gator and a jar and announces to the bar that he won’t start until his jar is full of money. The people in the bar are also curious about hi...

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A German guy, an Italian guy, and a Chinese guy are playing golf...

Around the 5th hole, this strange ringing goes off and the German guy starts speaking into his hand. The Italian guy and the Chinese guy are both wondering, "what the f*ck is this guy doing?"

The German guy explains, "It's totally awesome! My government made a phone that fits inside of your h...

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Three guys die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates

Three guys die and go to heaven. They find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, past the gates they can see a long road which seems to stretch up higher and higher into the clouds, and out of sight. Saint Peter looks to the first man and asks him "How many times have you cheat...

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During WWII, an Australian, a British and an American P.O.W. are forcibly recruited by a brilliant Nazi scientist to undergo an experimental treatment…

The purpose of the experiment is to create human time-keeping machines. They are each placed in separate rooms and subjected to intense brainwashing. After a week of treatment, the scientist comes to inspect on their progress.

He first looks in on the Australian soldier. Staring blankly ahea...

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One of my Dad's favourite jokes.

A man goes to a restaurant and orders the soup.

Shortly after he begins to eat, he drops his spoon. Immediately, his waiter appears and pulls a brand new spoon out of his pocket. The man is impressed.

"It's lucky you had a spoon on you," he remarks.

"Oh, no, we all carry spoon...

Pat the Irish immigrant died in a freak mining accident...

...leaving Kathleen, his young wife, near mad with grief. After the burial, Kathleen's mother drew her aside, and took her in her arms, and rocked her as she wept, and tried to comfort her:

"But think on what a grand man he was, Kathleen! Weren't they all saying at the wake as that Pat was a ...

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So a you see a group of hot blondes walk into the bar

and claimed a booth, Greg had idly thought it was probably time for a bachelorette party or a girls' night out.

When a group of religious leaders had strolled through and gathered at the bar, he had wondered—a little more actively—if he had ever actually seen any such persons in his bar befor...

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First-year med-students in their first anatomy class...

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

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Yankel the Jew is walking in town one day. He is walking by the stores, admiring all the storefronts and the products they offer.

Suddenly, he notices a peculiar sign on the window of a pet store: "Talking Parrot! Can have real conversations!"
He went inside and inquired about the parrot. As he was shown the parrot, the parrot squawks, "Hello, how are you! I'm rudolph!" In near perfect english and the parrot holds out his w...

The Art of the Sermon

Mullah Nasreddin was invited to give a sermon. Reluctantly, he dragged himself to the pulpit in the front of the room and glared at his attentive listeners.

"Do any of you," he began. "Have any idea what I'm about to say?"

His followers glanced around in confusion and shook their hea...

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Three sibling vampires are discussing who is the strongest.

The eldest eventually gets bored of debating and flies of into the night, coming back 5 minutes later covered in blood.

"Siblings of mine! See the lone house on the path into the city, silent and lost in a stripe of blood and fury?" shrieks the eldest with sadistic glory in his voice.

...

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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

Long ago, there was a cathedral...

The old bell ringer had passed away and the bishop set out a sign announcing that the position was now open for new applicants. A few weeks go by without any bites, but one day a man comes in. The man had a hunched back and no arms, so the bishop was leary of his ability to perform the job, but t...

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

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A Bar needs a new pianist.

A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window.
“Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.
...

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

Twenty five years... [Long Joke]

Twenty five years. Twenty five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced t...

The Safari

Jimmy was an 8-year-old boy who loved animals. He longed to go to a wildlife reserve and experience nature up-close-and-personal. His parents, eager to instill moral values, were delighted that this was the case instead of playing violent video games. So, on his ninth birthday, Jimmy was ecstatic to...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

Hello, God?

In an effort to combat religious bigotry, the leaders of the world's largest religions decided to show solidarity by organizing a world tour, where they would all visit each other in their respective seats of power.

The first stop on the tour was the Vatican where the Pope welcomed the group ...

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

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A woman hasnt had sex in a long time (LONG)

A woman, named Ethel and in her 30's, is out with her girlfriends at a bar. Eventually, talk turns to sex and there are some laughs and sly whispers. Except Ethel starts silently crying.

Her girlfriends ask what is wrong.

"I haven't had sex in more than three years!", Ethel sobs.
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More 83 YO dad funnies.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a new...

A Doctor tries to con an Engineer

There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a very long time. Being unable to find any kind of work, he decided to open up a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside the clinic that said "We guarantee we can find a cure for your ailment, for the price of $500. If we fail to do so, we will compensat...

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