Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

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I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

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​ Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌.

When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.
"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"
‌‌T...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

TI‌‌L Childre‌‌n wh‌‌o ar‌‌e unvaccinate‌‌d ar‌‌e les‌‌s likel‌‌y t‌‌o hav‌‌e autism.

Yo‌‌u hav‌‌e t‌‌o b‌‌e aliv‌‌e t‌‌o hav‌‌e autism.‌‌

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

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A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

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On a train in the Soviet Union

Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he co...

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The shepherd and the lost goat

A TV crew was filming a documentary in a small mountain village, and for their ending sequence they wanted to interview one of the many shepherds around.

\- So, could you tell us about a happy memory being a shepherd here?
\- A happy memory... mmmh... Yes, see, there was that time. A goa...

A drunk guy enters a taxicab...

\- Take us to the...

\- ”Us”? Which ”us”, you're alone!?

Drunk guy looks at him, somewhat bewildered:

\- Wh-what, are you saying you ain't going?

What starts with 'Wh' and ends with 'at'?

What starts with 'Wh' and ends with 'at'

The vampire joke

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "di...

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "The interrupting doctor." "The interrupting doctor wh-"

You've got cancer

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

Knock knock

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Omelette."

"Omelette wh-"

"Omelette you finish, but this is the best egg pun of all time!"

One fine day

Husband : Today is a fine day.

Annoyed wife : Wh do you keep saying 'Today is a fine day' every day?

Husband : You had said it once,

"One fine day, I'll leave this house"..

A man living at the end of the town decides to take a shortcut...

On his walk home at 12:00am a man living at the end of the town decides to take a shortcut. He passes through the cemetery. Suddenly, from one of the bushes nearby, he hears whispering sound:

"Give me.... Giiiiive me..."

The man very scared stops, trying to figure out what to do. The v...

Knock knock

Who’s there?

- Coronavirus

Coronavirus wh...*cough* *cough* *cough*

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Who'‌‌s th‌‌e greatest?

‌‌A boob‌‌, ‌‌a vagin‌‌a an‌‌d a‌‌n asshol‌‌e ar‌‌e debatin‌‌g a‌‌s t‌‌o wh‌‌o i‌‌s th‌‌e greates‌‌t o‌‌f the‌‌m all‌‌.

Boob‌‌: ‌‌I giv‌‌e mil‌‌k t‌‌o ne‌‌w bor‌‌n babie‌‌s an‌‌d I'‌‌m attractiv‌‌e t‌‌o th‌‌e opposit‌‌e sex‌‌, that'‌‌s wh‌‌y I'‌‌m th‌‌e greatest‌‌.

Vagina‌‌: ‌‌I giv‌‌e...

Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

German Knock Knock Joke

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The Gestapo

The Gestapo wh-

VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS

There’s a cow and her three calves grazing in a pasture...

...The first calf asks her ma, “Why am I named Daisy?” The cow smiles and says, “Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head.” The second calf says “Oh, oh! Why am I named Rose?” The cow replies, “Because when you were born, a rose landed on your head.” The third cow trots over and says,...

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

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So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

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A man walks into the DMV.

The clerk skips pleasantries and just asks, "Full name please."

"Jo-jo-j-john Whi-w-wh-white-whi-whitehall."

The clerk pauses for a moment. Then he asks again, more patiently, "May I ask for your full name, sir?"

"Jo-jo-j-john Whi-w-wh-white-whi-whitehall."

The clerk is a...

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A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

A man with a stutters sits on a train

He asks his neighbour: "e e excu cu se se m m me, wh wh what t t ti time i i is i i it?"

His neighbour remains quiet. This repeats a few times until a friendly person takes a pity and answers the stuttering guy.

After the stuttering guy leaves the train, the friendly person asks the...

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Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem.

The doctor says, "It appears that your penis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter."

"D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-do?"

The doctor tells him that he m...

Tim and Edward decided to team up in an attempt to steal an expensive jewel.

It belonged to a woman in their neighborhood. Her house was fairly isolated so they decided they could proceed during the day. The woman seemed a bit careless and had no security system set up, so they easily got in and out of the house with the jewel.

Back to a safe place and out of view o...

A mother is sitting with her three children...

2 girls and a boy. The first girl turns to her mother, and asks, with a soft, sweet voice and a smile, "Mom, why is my name violet?".

Her mother answers, "Well, dear when I was in hospital with you your father brought me a bouquet of violets, and when I was trying to think of a name, one of t...

2 scientists walk into a bar

the first one says: I´ll have a glass of H2O...

the second one says: i´ll have a glass of water too.... Wh... why did you say H2O ? Is there any reason to use the chemical formular outside the lab ?Doesn`t this just over-complicate things for no reason ? I really don´t think that was very sma...

Me: Knock, knock

Friend: Who’s there?

Me: UPS!

Friend: UPS WH—

Me: *runs away as fast as I can


Sorry if this was a repost. Hope you have a good day! :)

Two men escape an asylum

Two men are in a mental asylum. One day they decide to escape and find there way on the roof. On the roof, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops that stretch away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the lea...

Two scientists walk into a bar after work...

As they both take their seats at the bar, the first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O."

The second scientist shakes his head and says, "I'll have a glass of water too." He then pauses and turns to the first scientist. "Wh... why did you say H2O? I mean, I know that'...

Whats what

A dad gives his son a 5 dollar bill and tells him to go buy 5 dollars worth of whats what. So he goes to the grocery store and says to the manager, excuse me mr manager, can I get 5 dollars worth of whats what? The manager says whats that? The kid says whats what, the manager says get out of here ki...

Bad Parrot

Man decides to buy a parrot for his mother's birthday. Pet store owner warns him the parrot cusses like a sailor but the man is determined and buys parrot thinking he'll stop the parrot from cussing before Mom's birthday.
First day when parrot cusses the man takes parrot's food away. Being hung...

You see a man on the bus and he has a stutter...

... and he is trying to ask for directions. The stuttering man walks up to someone sitting down.

"E-ex-ex-excuse me, but wh-wh-what stop is the b-b-b-bank?"

The person briefly glaces to the stuttering man... then he looks down and doesn't answer. You think this is pretty unusual! Why ...

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The new pope visits a small church.

Upon hearing the news that the new pope would be visiting his small parish Father O'Leary decided to something special for the dinner. The morning of Pope Francis' arrival he went down to the docks and found a young member of his congregation and said, "I would like to help honor the new pope by con...

If you know this one than we are probably friends.

* Man 1: Knock Knock.
* Man 2: Who’s there?
* Man 1: KGB.
* Man 2: KGB wh- *get’s slapped*
* Man 1: WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!

Just give them another chance!

So... The news reporters decided to end this "Blondes are stupid" myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes.

REPORTER: "We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be fo...

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A man and a pickle slicer

A man works at a factory. One day, he goes to see his doctor.
"Listen Doc, I have to be honest. Recently I've been wanting to stick my dick in the pickle slicer at work."
The Doctor, shocked, says "Wh-Why? No, don't do that!"
"But it's just so tempting."
"Listen, just get some rest, go t...

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Two Native Americans stand in front of a tipi

...gazing into the sun, a son with a father. The son, quietly and carefully, asks "father, just how did you come up with my name?"

"Well, my son, I look at the nature, what happens around me. See the sun on the glooming horizon? She is the reason your sister is called Setting-Sun."

"Ye...

A man calls his local liquor store

"When dO yoU open" the man asks in a drunken voice.
"We don't open until 9AM" the liquor store manager replies

A couple of hours later, the man calls the liquor store again.

"WhEn do YoU opEn?" he asks, now even more drunk, and almost shouting.

"As I told you earlier, we d...

A joke about screwing

A young man arrives at his dates house. After ringing the doorbell, her father answers the door and invites him inside. "My daughter is will be ready in a few minutes," he informs the young man.

So they get to talking. "Where are you taking my daughter?" asks the father.

"Oh, I'm takin...

Told this joke when I was three

Me: "Why did the cow cross the road?"

Parent: "Wh-"

Me: "Moo!"

A Native American dies

A young Native American awakens in a meadow filled with lush grass tons of animals an overall paradise. Not sure where he is he wanders for a while. Suddenly he is approached by a man. The boy asks the man where he is. The man replies, "Well you died and this is the afterlife i am your deity". The b...

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Women are like Wine

(I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here)

A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. "Come in," the man says without lifting his eyes from the page.

The door crea...

"Knock Knock"

-Who's there?

"Oh wait, I have my key."

-Oh wait I have my key wh.. \*gets punched in the face*

A girl starts a new job at a pharmacy...

A girl starts a new job as an assistant at a pharmacy and is instructed on how to perform the various duties. After an hour or so, the pharmacist concludes with:

"One last thing. We've had a lot of thefts of condoms from the pharmacy, so we're keeping them behind the counter."

"We have...

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3 guys went for an archery competition...

The first guy shoots an arrow into the sky and out of nowhere, a hawk swoops in and catches that arrow and plants it on the bulls eye. "Who are you?" asked the judge. "I am Hawkeye.", the first guy replied smugly. The second guy shoots 2 arrows up into the sky and miraculously, 2 pigeons fly by, c...

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