UPJOKE
artbehectareexistentialabebeethwerewolfexistentamn'tan'tconsistaren'ti'mexistentialistexist

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.

Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."

Last nights party was wild. I got totally wasted then jumped in my Uber

Imagine the look on the faces of my passengers while I checked the route.

Wasted

A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

An uncertain person rubs a lantern and the genie appears and says "Get on with it."

"uh, I wish I knew how this worked."

"ok, I wish I hadn't wasted that wish."

"uh I wish I knew how this worked."

...

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Underage kid walks up to a wasted bum passed out in an alley...

Kid nudges the bum with his shoe and the old man turns on his back and squints up at the kid. "Yeah?" The bum asks.

Kid says, "I'll give you a beer if you buy me a six."

Old guy agrees and stumbling out the liqueur store he gives the kid five beers. A bit later the kid come back and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when I bi...

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.

All it does is change the color of the baby.

I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver.

Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A PR firm is working with a rap artist

They want to clean his image and recover his prestige. No more wild parties, no more driving under influence, no more cheating on his wife. However, it’s difficult to turn a former troublemaker artist into a family man.

“Look, we invested a lot of time and money into this,” says the PR manag...

Wasted weekend

A wasted weekend, is not a waste of a weekend

Why isn't the Russian army as strong as expected?

Because they wasted all their steroids on figure skaters a month ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasted a lot of time training.

When I learned that cockfighting is done with Chickens. That’s 12 months I’m not getting back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt...

He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again"

Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned"

The drunk guy th...

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Bear, Mr. Rabbit and the Golden Frog.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. H...

A man walks into a bar with his dog

The bartender stops him at the door and says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But this dog is almost human! He talks!"

The bartender says, "YEAH RIGHT, if your dog can talk I'll let you in AND cover your tab."

The owner says "OK, ask him anything!"

T...

A couple moves into an apartment and decides to paper the living room.

They ask their neighbor, who has the same size living room, if he had ever papered his room and how many rolls he bought. The neighbor answers "Eleven".

So the couple buys 11 rolls of expensive wall paper and gets to work. To their surprise, after 8 rolls the living room is finished. Annoyed,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You've wasted your time explaining sex to me

I still don't get it.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and th...

I think I have anxiety, but I don’t want to be diagnosed by a doctor

I’m worried if they tell me I don’t have it, I would’ve wasted their time.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nazis really wasted so much money and effort on a racist motive which made no sense

It truly was a hollow cost

What do sad people drink when they want to get wasted?

A Despairados.

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

Seven years of medical training wasted!

After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.

He slept with a client and can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.

He'd a genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta..

..but I say it was worth every penne.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist in Mexico goes into a bar to get wasted

It’s his last week on vacation and one of the things on his bucket list to do is basically to drink until he is completely wasted. As the night prolongs, he notices little by little the bar begins to empty. The bartender in his best English that he can muster says to him, “Señor, I think you should ...

When there is some wine leftover from communion, it doesn't get wasted...

The vicar does.

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Really drunk guy comes home to his wife and 14 year old son late at night completely wasted...

he starts throwing up all over the place so his wife and son help him get to the bedroom, took off his clothes and put him to sleep.

he wakes up in the morning, remembers last night and thinks to himself "oh my wife is gonna be pissed." he find a note on his wife's pillow in bed saying "Good ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a guy at the bar. Wasted and crying....

The bartender comes up to him and asks what's wrong. "I'm so wasted I just threw up all over myself! My wife said she would leave if I didn't quit drinking and when I get home, I'm done." The bartender says "I can help. Put a $20 in you coat pocket. Tell her you only had one beer, but a drunk idiot ...

I feel sorry for the wasted sperm

Some of them turn out stupid, run for President and win.

If you could gather together all the food you've wasted over your life and put it on a scale to weigh it,

It would probably smell terrible.

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.