A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

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Little Johnny's got his priorities straight

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a jewelry and shit worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throu...

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

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Team Rocket Were Caught Performing a Lewd Sex Act...

Ass to Meowth

What is a lewd ghost's favourite type of tea?

Boo - tea

How did the Frenchman describe his lewd Pakistani girlfriend?

Lahore.

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Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

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A lawyer dies and goes to hell...

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and even murder!”

The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

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Have you guys heard about the 80s tribute band releasing an album via OnlyFans?

They’re called Huey Lewd-is and the Nudes

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Three religious bi-curious dudes are driving down a dark and dangerous road

As they speed along they're comparing the lewd details of their same sex encounters when they all suddenly die in terrible crash.

When they arrive at the gates of Heaven they see Saint Peter waiting for them with a welcoming smile.

As they approach Saint Peter says to the first man. "W...

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

What search engine is best for finding lewd pictures?

Yahooters

What do you call an American Revolutionist who listens to Beethoven while making love?

Lewd Whig.

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A chocolate company was making chocolates shaped like a woman's ass.

Some "upstanding citizens" demanded that they discontinue the product, as they claimed it was lewd and disrespectful. They staged a large, loud protest outside the factory.

This upset another group of citizens, who thought the company should make what they like, and the protestors should min...

One evening, a dad joke came home late from the office.

He and your mom joke got a little drunk after dinner and since the pharmacy was closed, well, lewd story short, that's how they ended up with a pun in the oven.

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My man is a sex addict

a young yoman enters the Doctors office
"I'm here to talk about my husbands sex addiction"

Dr. "How bad is it? Isn't plenty of sex usually a good thing for a couple your age?"

"It sure is, but sometimes it can be a bit too much. Like yesterday I was looking into the freezer and wond...

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An original math feghoot.

There are enough people in the world now who require catheters for medical reasons for the devices to have become the targets of fetishes. At least some of these catheter fetishists are also practitioners of free love, and it's not unusual for them to get together with (relatively) large numbers of...

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What do you call Jude Law with a penis drawn on his chin?

Lewd Jaw

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The boy at home...

A Jehovah Witness knocks on a door and a boy of about 5 years old answers in a bathrobe with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, a cigar in the other, and the unmistakably lewd moans of porno playing somewhere in the house behind him.

Shocked, the Jehovah Witness asks "Ah, um--excuse me little b...

Christian lady living next door to a construction site got tired of hearing the constant cursing from the on site workers.

So she decided one day to pack a lunch and go eat with them while trying to get some religion into the loud, lewd men. Once most of the men had gathered under a shade tree, she walked over with her little brown bag and asked "Do any of you men know Jesus Christ?" They looked around at each other, an...

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Pub joke in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer - Bill Bailey

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas tw...

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Don't hear many Limerick jokes any more. So I wrote one.

There was a man named Johnathan Hicks,

who liked to write limericks.

But his Poems were crude,

and many lewd,

so his balls were often kicked.

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