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Lewd Jokes

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Team Rocket Were Caught Performing a Lewd Sex Act...

Ass to Meowth

What is a lewd ghost's favourite type of tea?

Boo - tea

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

What search engine is best for finding lewd pictures?

Yahooters

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Out for a hike one day...

A man climbed to the highest point in his town for some sightseeing.

As he appreciated the view through his binoculars, he looked down and gazed upon the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen sunbathing nude in the valley.

A park ranger appeared and immediately placed him under arrest....

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

What do you call an American Revolutionist who listens to Beethoven while making love?

Lewd Whig.

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A chocolate company was making chocolates shaped like a woman's ass.

Some "upstanding citizens" demanded that they discontinue the product, as they claimed it was lewd and disrespectful. They staged a large, loud protest outside the factory.

This upset another group of citizens, who thought the company should make what they like, and the protestors should min...

Carpet fitters

An attractive lady hires two carpet fitters to replace the carpet in her sitting room after her pet parrot had made a terrible mess of the old carpet.
The two carpet fitters were stereotypical blue collar workers but had enough respect not to make any lewd jokes or double entendre at her expense...

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What do you call Jude Law with a penis drawn on his chin?

Lewd Jaw

One evening, a dad joke came home late from the office.

He and your mom joke got a little drunk after dinner and since the pharmacy was closed, well, lewd story short, that's how they ended up with a pun in the oven.

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Little Johnny's got his priorities straight

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a jewelry and shit worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throu...

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

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The boy at home...

A Jehovah Witness knocks on a door and a boy of about 5 years old answers in a bathrobe with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, a cigar in the other, and the unmistakably lewd moans of porno playing somewhere in the house behind him.

Shocked, the Jehovah Witness asks "Ah, um--excuse me little b...

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A lawyer dies and goes to hell...

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and even murder!”

The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you...

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Three religious bi-curious dudes are driving down a dark and dangerous road

As they speed along they're comparing the lewd details of their same sex encounters when they all suddenly die in terrible crash.

When they arrive at the gates of Heaven they see Saint Peter waiting for them with a welcoming smile.

As they approach Saint Peter says to the first man. "W...

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My man is a sex addict

a young yoman enters the Doctors office
"I'm here to talk about my husbands sex addiction"

Dr. "How bad is it? Isn't plenty of sex usually a good thing for a couple your age?"

"It sure is, but sometimes it can be a bit too much. Like yesterday I was looking into the freezer and wond...

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An original math feghoot.

There are enough people in the world now who require catheters for medical reasons for the devices to have become the targets of fetishes. At least some of these catheter fetishists are also practitioners of free love, and it's not unusual for them to get together with (relatively) large numbers of...

Christian lady living next door to a construction site got tired of hearing the constant cursing from the on site workers.

So she decided one day to pack a lunch and go eat with them while trying to get some religion into the loud, lewd men. Once most of the men had gathered under a shade tree, she walked over with her little brown bag and asked "Do any of you men know Jesus Christ?" They looked around at each other, an...

A young jock enters a pharmacy to buy condoms

Knowing the pharmacists is an old-fashioned gentleman and noticing a slight frown on his face, the young man decides to have some fun at his expenses by asking for another pack, remarking "you know, my girlfriend truly sounded thirsty last time I talked to her... Better be sure we don't run out!"...

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Don't hear many Limerick jokes any more. So I wrote one.

There was a man named Johnathan Hicks,

who liked to write limericks.

But his Poems were crude,

and many lewd,

so his balls were often kicked.

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Pub joke in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer - Bill Bailey

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas tw...

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