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Very Smart Jokes

I met a British spy one time, but I don’t think he’s very smart.

When I asked who he worked for, he said “am I six”? Dude was at least 40.

My Cat is very smart and can talk

I asked him who was the communist former president of the People's Republic of China and he said "Mao".

Many people don't think I'm very smart...

but I'll have you know that I almost got a perfect score on the IQ test. I almost made 100!

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I am going to tell you something that a very smart woman once told me

The lady who waxes me told me - "If you don't love what you do then why do it?"


And then she ripped the hair from my butthole

I just met a very smart ant

He was brilliant

Why are miscarried children very smart?

Because they weren't born yesterday.

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My very smart girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

The cowboy and his very smart horse (kinda long)

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell him that they're going to execute him at noon tomorrow. Now, these bandits seem to be pretty nice guys who just happen to be in a nasty line of work, and they ask the cowboy if he has any last requests before he dies...

There was boy named Billy and he wasn't very smart

He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.

One day Billy's mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete...

Marcus Aurelius was a Roman Emperor, a very smart man and ahead of his time.

A strict disciplinarian he hated when his soldiers drank on the job but had no way of policing it. Until he realised that the offending soldiers would urinate much more than the sober ones. So he started to measure the output of the soldiers. Do you know what he used to measure it?

Roman Urin...

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

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Pillsbury Doughboy death notice.

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.

Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.

Dozens of celebrit...

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Done. He was born and raised in the town of Moroccan. Done wasn't very smart, and he was always teased by his peers when he expressed his desire to become a doctor, especially by a disliked and harsh-tempered teacher who would yell at him, "You drive me ...

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

A man is on vacation in Spain.

He stops at a local inn to stay and is having a drink down in the bar.

Once there he was challenged by the bartender to win a free meal and a drink. He needs only score higher on a trivia quiz against a very smart chicken.

Amused and figuring he couldn’t lose to a bird he accepts. Th...

A man sells a dog.

The buyer asks, “Is he healthy?”

“My dog is very healthy,” the seller answers.

“Is he smart?”

“My dog is very smart.”

“Is he loyal?”

“Yes, my dog is extremely loyal! I’m selling him for the fifth time already.”

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the ma...

I wonder if when Trump said he was a stable genius he was referring to knowing a lot about horses...

Cause he's not very smart.

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Man thinks his wife cheats on him when he's at work...

He can't afford cameras, and he aint the brightest guy around, so he thinks a parrot will do the trick. He'll watch what's going on in the house when the man's away and tell him when he gets back.



He goes to a store and explains the situation.

\-I got a great selection of parro...

A blonde and a millionaire are on a plane

The millionaire is a very smart guy. He sees the blonde & decides to play a game with her for a quick laugh. He goes up to her, and says:

"Hey let's play a game. I'll ask you a question. If you can't guess it, you give me $5. Then you ask me one, if I can't guess it, I'll give you $10,00...

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

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Trump visits NASA...

He called a meeting of all the top scientists and department heads. As a staffer called for quiet, everyone took a seat and Trump stepped up to the lectern and began speaking.

"I'm very happy to be here with the fine people of NASA today. Very happy. As you know, during my campaign I promised...

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There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"

The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fl...

Someone once asked me what my favorite Donald Trump quote was...

Well it'd have to be this one:

“Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart —you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a ...

Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together

Best friends Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together. While Peter was very smart, Paul had a difficult time with schoolwork, so Peter would let him copy his homework to make sure he could pass his classes.



As the time approached for their interview with the bishop, Pau...

Women 3 wishes

A Woman was golfing and accidently she hits the ball into the woods. She then goes into the woods to look for it and there she sees a frog in a trap.*

*The frog says to her: If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.*

*The woman frees the frog, and the frog sa...

There once was hippo child prodigy.

Just by hanging around tourists, he learned to talk, and soon thereafter to read.

Eventually, he started attending a nearby primary school for humans and he turned out to be very very smart indeed, even by human standards. Typing, thanks to his symbiotic oxpecker buddy, made him a prolific au...

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat...

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.

Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.

The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious....

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So there was this wasp who lives in a jungle. (long)

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would g...

The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill,...

There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to g...

A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...

A smart scientist amd a blonde girl sit down on a plane.

A very smart man boards a plane and sits down.
A blond girl sits next to him.

He is bored so he says to her

"Let's play a game, I give you a riddle if you cannot find the answer you pay me 5 dollars. If you answer it though you give me a riddle and I don't answer it I'll give you 30...

A woman passes out during delivery

When she wakes up, she asks the doctor if her baby is ok.

"Actually, you have twins, and they're just fine. You have a son and a daughter," the doctor said

"Oh, that's very nice. I guess I should name them right?" said the woman.

The doctor replied, "Actually your brother alread...

The teacher presents a math problem to the class:

- There are 3 birds on a tree branch. A hunter shoots one of the birds with his gun. How many birds are left on the tree?

After many children raise their hand, the teacher chooses one of them to give the answer. The child replies:

- None. No birds remain on the tree, because the other ...

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An atheist and little girl were sitting next to each other on an aeroplane.

'Flight goes quicker when two aeroplane buddies chat to each other,' said the atheist to the little girl.

'What would I want to talk to you about?' replied the little girl.

'I dunno, maybe about how why there is no God.'

Now the girl believed in God and was also very smart indee...

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way the Camel doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Oh ...

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A guy walks into a Pet Shop.

He says he is looking for the best pet, a "companion".
The seller says "I have a parrot, a very smart one, he speaks in English, Spanish and German, and he knows some physics and mechanics"
The client, surprised, asks for the price, the seller says 500 USD.
The client, still hyped for the p...

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3 man go to heaven

They are greeted by an angel. The Angel says to them: „Look guys we only have 1 rule here. Never step on a red cloud." The man are confused ar first but dont think too much of it. After a while the first man accidently steps on a red cloud. Immedeantly the angel comes to him. "Because you stepped on...

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A Man, an Ostrich, and a Cat, Walk Into a Bar...

The bartender, used to these sorts of jokes, lets it slide. "What'll you have?" he asks the trio.

"I'll have a pint," the man says.
"Just a Coke for me," says the ostrich.
"I'll have a scotch," the cat says. He looks at the man, "so long as you're buying."

"Right," the bartender ...

A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches...

"Captain, an enemy ship approaches!" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest.

The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won....

Once upon a time there was an egg...

This egg was very smart, even at a very young age he decided to be the most successful chicken in the world! During his chick years he was so hardworking and competitive that he was always top of the class and graduated a couple of months younger than his peers. Of course, naturally he was accepted ...

The Bee

There once lived a bee named barry. Barry was a very smart bee, he went through all of school with straight A's. He majored in law, and eventually ran for president. He became the president of the bee hive.

Barry, unsatisfied with his accomplishments, goes on to go through human school, fir...

Once a woman was playing golf in a dark forest.

She hit the golf ball so hard that it got lost in the forest. She went in search of that ball.

She found the ball near a bush. As she kneeled to pick it up, She heard a voice

“I am stuck in the the bush. Help me and I will grant you three wishes.”

She saw that there was a frog i...

three men were on a road trip when their car broke down

they walked a mile and found a farm and decided to ask the old farmer if they could crash. the farmer was a kind man and decided to let the men stay, as long as they didn't touch the three hot daughters. later that night none of the men could help themselves and decided to go for it, thinking that t...

John's English Literature teacher saw that John had fallen asleep:

"Now let me ask you guys a question, who wrote HAMLET? John? Can you tell me?"

John woke up and rubbed his eyes: "Hum, aaaaa, Mrs. Black, honestly, hum,I didn’t do it!"

The class filled with laughters. The teacher was angry: "Get out of my class and tell your parents to come to see me ...

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There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

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