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A guy needs to get some plumbing work done

He searches for plumbers, finds the team that seems to be fit for the job and calls them. Two men arrive at his house and take a good look around. Finally one of them says: "Okay, we got it, come back in 3 days, we should be done".
3 days later the guy comes back and sees that they seem to have...

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The 4 rules of plumbing

Payday is Friday

Shit flows downhill

The boss is an ass

Don't chew your fingernails

Spotted on a sign outside a local plumbing business...

"We're #1 with your #2's"

Want a surefire trick to break your nail-biting habit?

Take up plumbing

New kid on the jobsite today asked what was the proper name for the tool we were using (plumb bob)

I told him "Plumb Robert".

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The parrot and the plumber

A woman who has a pet parrot also has a problem with her plumbing, so she calls a plumber. While she is waiting for him, she decides she needs some items from the store. She thinks she can probably make it to the store and back before the plumber arrives, so off she goes.

Shortly after she ...

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Three babies

So there's three babies in the womb. At some point Baby 1 asks a question


Baby 1: So what are you guys going to do when you get out of here? I'm going to be a plumber to fix the plumbing of this place because there's water everywhere!


Baby 2: Well I will become an electrici...

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

Plumbing

I like the Mario games and all, but... I have a hard time seeing Mario as a plumber when his entire life revolves around clogging some pipes

I decided to take up plumbing

I didnt know it could be so faucinating

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start...

Connor Mcgregor should go back to plumbing

Afterall he is very good with taps.

My father is a carpenter, and he was telling me about the new, state-of-the-art plumb bob that was just released...

It really is next-level.

My mom called me saying there were a couple of guys outside her home saying they have a plumbing fixture to drop off.

“They’re not trying to rob me?” she asked.

“No, it’s a gift from Uncle Bill to make up for all the mean things he did to you in the past.” I replied.

“Wait, after all these years, he’s actually trying to be nice to somebody? That’s an unexpected transformation! Our relationship might w...

I read “Plumbing for Dummies” twice, but I have no idea what I’m doing.

I think it’ll take a while before this sink’s in.

I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts but,

after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.

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I notice a lot of different plumbing trucks with the slogan, "We're #1 in the #2 business!"

One of them has to be full of shit.

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I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”

“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

What's a carpenter's favorite dessert flavor?

Plumb Jamb

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the ...

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

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What would life be without plumbing?

Shitty

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

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"Right, I'm off out", said the wife, grabbing her coat. "It's my evening class tonight, down at the college."

"Is it a plumbing class?"

"No, don't be silly."

"Then pull your fucking jeans up!"

Plumbing

My German plumber accidentally hooked up the gas pipes to my shower.... I guess old habits die hard.

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Discordian Enlightenment

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated...

A different game of thrones

Long ago a then famous reporter of the times traveled to a little known kingdom deep in the heart of Africa, accompanied by translators and bearers of course. It was not very technologically advanced, with no plumbing and clay and stray being the primary building materials.

Upon arrival he w...

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

Bro#1 : Hey, how come you never talk about your childhood?

Bro#2 : oh... I come from a broken home.

Bro#1 : What happened?

Bro#2 : The plumbing never worked.

Bro#1 : Not really a broken home.

Bro#2 : You could not flush the toilet....

NY Plumber

A lady in NY had a parrot and all it could say was “Who is it?” On day her house plumbing started to leak so she called a plumber and scheduled a service call. At the scheduled time for the plumber she got called away for an emergency. When the plumber arrived, he was an older man, he knocked on t...

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

Plumber

There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming.
The plumber still plumbing said IT'S ME!

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

[just wrote this one] Political Massage

So I went to this masseur. Great reputation. People say he’s good with his hands.

We get down to business, and he starts asking me about politics.

He asks, “So are you for states or against states? You’ll get a different massage depending on your answer.”

I guess he’s probably a...

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

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Do Ewoks shit in the woods?

No, they have Endor plumbing

After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...

Read this one online a while back

An engineer dies and goes to hell. At first, he's reluctant to come to terms with where he is.

The devil sees him, and says" Cheer up, hell isn't so bad. I'll prove it, you can have the best room in the house."

The engineer happily accepts and is led to something that looks like it was...

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Three old cowboys...

Frank, Raph, and Jed had just finished their supper by the camp fire and broke out the jug of whiskey. Passing around the jug, they started bragging about their dangerous escapades throughout their lives. Frank says, "I remember one time I was crossing a stream and a 12 foot grizzly bear that was fi...

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Old timer

An old timer was out fishing one day and caught well over his limit before he even realized it and decided he better get on home.

As he was loading up his boat the game warden walked up and asked to see his catch. Realizing the gravity of the situation, he told the game warden he ended up not...

I plan to run power out to my barn.

I’d like to have plumbing as well but that may just be a pipe dream.

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three guys are on a deserted island...

Just recently shipwrecked. As they each regain consciousness they realize they are surrounded by cannibals. The cannibals put each man into a bamboo cage and hold them there over night. The next morning the natives hand each man a palm leaf sack and explain to them that they are to gather a single f...

A man comes to a priest for confession.

Priest: What’s on your mind?

Man: I have a confession.

Priest: Go on.

Man: A few days ago a girl friend of mine asked me to come help her with a plumbing issue. I agreed and came over to help her out. Once I was about to leave she looked outside and saw that it was raining. She ...

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A man wakes up to his wife screaming about a gorilla in the garden.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he staggers to the window just in time to see a huge silverback climb up into a gnarled old oak tree at the bottom of his garden. A little perplexed, he calls the RSPCA and gets put through to the Gorilla Dept.. Turns out this is a common enough occurrence, and before...

Three dumb guys are in a bar talking about their cheating wives...

First guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with a plumber. Yesterday when I came home I found a lot of plumbing equipment under our bed that don't belong to me."

Second guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with an electrician. I came home yesterday to find an electrician...

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Bubba was sitting on his porch with his buddies...

Joe Bob and Billy Ray, drinking Alone Star long necks discussing their wives' intelligence.

Joe Bob says, "My wife is so dumb she bought a Hoover vacuum cleaner and we don't even have electricity."

After a good laugh, Billy Ray says, "My wife is so dumb she bought a washing machine and...

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison insta...

A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet.

The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, “That will be $200.”
The surgeon was astonished. He says, “I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.”
The plumber says, “Yeah, I know. ...

A lawyer calls a plumber to his house to fix a broken pipe...

The plumber fixes everything just within in an hour and hands the lawyer his bill for $675. The lawyer says to the plumber, "My God! I don't even make this much in an hour!"

The plumber responds, "I didn't either when I was a lawyer, that's why I do plumbing now."

Stopping the leaks

A urologist in London had a leak in his bathroom on a Sunday. He called a plumber who charged him a £50 call out fee plus another £100 for fixing the problem in 15 minutes.
The urologist was shocked and said to the plumber - I am a Urologist and I fix human water works and I don't get paid this ...

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three college students are trying to join a fraternity...

They are told they have to spend the night in a derelict house thought by students to be haunted. When the three students enter, it is cold, there are few soft places to sleep, and no working water or plumbing. The first student walks up the stairs and discovers the only bedroom in the house. He qui...

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So a man is at a fancy restaurant, and he needs to use the bathroom...

...so he pulls the waiter aside and asks to use the bathroom.

"I am sorry, sir," the waiter replied, "but the Men's bathroom is currently unavailable due to plumbing issues. We're working to fix these now."

The man's face turned to one of desperation. "What about the ladies' restroom?"...

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