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Valentine's Day Jokes

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

My wife told me she wanted a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I hadn't planned on spending that much.

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

It's Valentine's Day and I'm inundated!

Sorry, I meant that I'm in, undated.

Booked a table for 2 for the valentine's day

Hope my girlfriend likes snooker

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There's sex without love, and there's love without sex.

And there's us, without either.

Happy Valentine's Day.

It's Valentine's day! I proposed to my high school girlfriend and best friend ever!

The two of them are out in the parking lot right now having a slapfight.

a valentine's day request

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day. She said a divorce," the guy tells the bartender. "Oh, no. What did you do?" the bartender asks. "I just told her I hadn't planned on spending that much," the guy replies.

When shopping for Valentine's day cards, I found one saying "Baby, you're the only one for me."

Great slogan, so I took 12.

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A Valentine's day haiku for you all....

Love is in the air,

So is coronavirus,

Wash your fucking hands.

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

In honor of Valentine's Day...

What does a passionate kiss and a spider have in common?

They both lead to the undoing of the fly.

The Swiss have an ancient Valentine's Day tradition of giving their crush a pregnant sheep

In Swiss German, this animal gift is known as "fond-ewe".

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Having your period on Valentine's day

Will be such a pain in the ass

My friend told me he has trouble getting a date for Valentine's day.

I don't understand what's so hard about it. They literally grow in trees.

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

What's the difference between a trick performed by the Valentine's Day mascot and Putin?

The trick is a Cupid Stunt.

My wife called me on Valentine's Day

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

What do single people call Valentine's Day?

Happy Independence Day

What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine's Day?

Smash Mouth

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A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "Last night my wife woke me up to tell me that she dreamed that I bought her a big, expensive diamond ring for Valentine's Day, and she wondered if that dream meant anything." "What did you tell her?" the bartender asks. "I gave her a pass...

My friend spent Valentine's Day with her bird.

I said if she likes it then she shoulda put a wing on it.

That's why she prefers the bird.

\[This is all true.\]

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day. He just got dumped by his girlfriend some minutes before. A baker takes pity on him and gives him a slice of cake - entirely free.

That man is like me. He's lonely, but at least he got some cake!

Valentine's day

Imagin how many people will be shaving tonight.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

Wife on Valentine's day...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically unroman...

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day

She thinks i'm corny

I made breakfast in bed for my girlfriend on Valentine's day?

It was a hearty meal

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High School on Valentine's Day

A high school thought it might be a fun activity to let the teenagers cut out paper hearts, put the name or wish of their valentine on the card anonymously, and hang them on a chainlink fence at the entrance of the school. Of course someone had to take them all off afterwards. So the day following V...

Happy Valentine's Day

The Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

Finding love on valentine's day

Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day?

Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.

Have you guys heard Radiohead is releasing a Valentine's Day album?

It's called OK Cupid.

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....

..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.

What did Pinocchio's girlfriend tell him on Valentine's Day?

Get down there and lie to me!

My Valentine's day night

My wife came home and looked at me. She tells me totake off her blouse, so I did. Now take off my bra, so I did. Now, take off my pants and panties. I did that as well.

As I'm standing there naked see says stop wearing my clothes you're stretching them out.

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?





To remind single people that they are single.

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

Feeling sad this Valentine's day because of having no partner?

At least you're not the person reading this who will never get any love!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU...well it was actually yesterday, so YIFU by singing a Sam Cooke song for my GF on Valentine's Day:

Me:
Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geograph...

To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day

Happy Alentine's Ay

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!

If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

A man and a woman on Valentine's day :

W: Where are you taking me to dinner tonight?

M: Nowhere, I don't take married women to dinner, ever.

W: But I'm your wife!

M: NO EXCEPTIONS !!!

Valentine's Day Gift

A young lady was caught napping one afternoon on Valentine's Day. She woke up when she heard the doorbell.

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day," she said to her boyfriend. "What do you think it means?"

"You'll know for sure tonight," he replied.
...

I spent Valentine's Day the old fashioned way

Running around in a diaper shooting arrows at people

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What did you get your girlfriend for Valentine's day?

A T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!

How did the Star Wars fan spend Valentine's Day?

Solo.

"But why?" asked Mike. "Valentine's Day Joke"

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scen...

Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year

1. It's pay day

Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"

The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."

The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them i...

For valentine's day, I gave my wife a back-rub.

I told her, "Wow, they did a good job... when they removed your wings."
I kissed her forehead and whispered, "They did a good job on the horns too!"

I consider myself lucky, I celebrate Valentine's Day every year

My name is Valentine

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Valentine's Day is almost here

I wonder if my wife knows those FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine's Day are about to expire.

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

Or you can just take the whole thing.

The Valentine's Day Blonde

A woman receives a huge bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend at the office and is clearly upset about it. Her co-workers ask what's wrong.

She replies, very annoyed: "This is just great. Now I guess I'll have to spend the whole evening on my back, with my legs in the air!"

The blonde ...

A poem for Valentine's Day

Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.

Why do necrophiliacs like Valentine's Day more than most people?

The flowers have already been delivered.

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a threesome!

Just needed two more people!

.

Good^day^for^#369?

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

Best thing about covid is I dont have to spend $200 on Valentine's day dinner this year.

Worst thing is the dead wife.

I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day

that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.

Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

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Valentine's Day Gift!

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Arab were being interviewed by a reporter with regard to what they bought their wives for Valentine's Day.

Frenchman - I bot ma wife un ring and a pair of gleuve, so if che don like ze ring che can coveur eet with ze gleuve.

Englishman - I bought my wi...

I got my crush a special edition DVD for Valentine's day...

She was so happy she hi fived and hugged me. "That's friends!" my brother smiled as he watched us celebrate then put on the DVD. I said "No, it's love, actually."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Valentine's Day in the United States, and I'd just like everyone to know my girlfriend has giant, fake tits, and a huge fake dump truck.

In fact, pretty much everything on her is fake, including her existence.

Happy Single's Awareness Day, Reddit.

My mom made Rumaki as an appetizer for Valentine's Day...

so I didn't just have one date, I had four.

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be..

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones.
Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
The man asked the florist ...

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?

Forget-me-nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

To all you beautiful girls, Happy Valentine's Day!

To all your fat girls, chin up, it's Pancake Day next week!

I brought my girlfriend to Mexico for Valentine's Day.

I got arrested on the way back for snuggling her over the border.

I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...

...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

I bought my wife a qwerty keyboard for Valentine's Day...

...She said she wanted a divorak.

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