My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....

..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine's Day?

Smash Mouth

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

I made breakfast in bed for my girlfriend on Valentine's day?

It was a hearty meal

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day. She said a divorce," the guy tells the bartender. "Oh, no. What did you do?" the bartender asks. "I just told her I hadn't planned on spending that much," the guy replies.

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High School on Valentine's Day

A high school thought it might be a fun activity to let the teenagers cut out paper hearts, put the name or wish of their valentine on the card anonymously, and hang them on a chainlink fence at the entrance of the school. Of course someone had to take them all off afterwards. So the day following V...

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A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "Last night my wife woke me up to tell me that she dreamed that I bought her a big, expensive diamond ring for Valentine's Day, and she wondered if that dream meant anything." "What did you tell her?" the bartender asks. "I gave her a pass...

Have you guys heard Radiohead is releasing a Valentine's Day album?

It's called OK Cupid.

Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day?

Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.

Mothers have Mother's Day, fathers have father's Day, couples have valentine's Day

And I have palm Sunday.

What do single people call Valentine's Day?

Happy Independence Day

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A Valentine's day haiku for you all....

Love is in the air,

So is coronavirus,

Wash your fucking hands.

To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day

Happy Alentine's Ay

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

I'm finally going on a Date this valentine's Day

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?

To remind single people that they are single.

In Latin America, Valentine's Day is called “The Day of Love and Friendship”

Because you want love, but she wants friendship

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!

If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

What's the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine's day?

The eggs get laid!

Having your period on Valentine's day

Is a pain in the ass

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day

She thinks i'm corny

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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

Valentine's day

Imagin how many people will be shaving tonight.

For valentine's day, I gave my wife a back-rub.

I told her, "Wow, they did a good job... when they removed your wings."
I kissed her forehead and whispered, "They did a good job on the horns too!"

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

My Valentine's day night

My wife came home and looked at me. She tells me totake off her blouse, so I did. Now take off my bra, so I did. Now, take off my pants and panties. I did that as well.

As I'm standing there naked see says stop wearing my clothes you're stretching them out.

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What did you get your girlfriend for Valentine's day?

A T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

My wife said she wants a divorce for Valentine's day.

I wasn't planning to spend that much..

A man and a woman on Valentine's day :

W: Where are you taking me to dinner tonight?

M: Nowhere, I don't take married women to dinner, ever.

W: But I'm your wife!


What kind of chocolate do you get a snake for Valentine's Day?

Hershey's Hiss

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"

So I got her nothing.

Finding love on valentine's day

Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

How did the Star Wars fan spend Valentine's Day?


This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day... least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

My friends always ask me what I got my significant other for Valentine's Day...

Each year I tell them I got myself a nice new pair of gloves.

Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a threesome!

Just needed two more people!



I spent Valentine's Day the old fashioned way

Running around in a diaper shooting arrows at people

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

Or you can just take the whole thing.

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

Why do necrophiliacs like Valentine's Day more than most people?

The flowers have already been delivered.

Happy Valentine's Day

The Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

Wife on Valentine's day...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically unroman...

My wife called me on Valentine's Day

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

My girlfriend said she wants me to get on my knees this Valentine's day.

I don't even think the kitchen floor is *that* dirty, though.

This Valentine's Day I expect to be inundated.

Sorry... I meant, "in, undated".

I wanted to go out for Valentine's day, but my relationship is complex

I'm real, she's imaginary.

Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year

1. It's pay day

A man is going to buy flowers for his wife on Valentine's Day

There is one other man with him who he starts talking to. "It's so dumb you have to spend so much money on something that is just going to die" the other man said. "Yeah, and it's a real shame you have to buy them flowers" he replied.

"But why?" asked Mike. "Valentine's Day Joke"

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scen...

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

I just want to say a big thank you to my hand for always being by my side!!

Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"

The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."

The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them i...

I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day

that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.

Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

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Why did the coworker get charged with sexual harassment on Valentine's Day?

Because he had a heart on.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!'

I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.

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An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine's day evening....

"Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?"

He says "I thought I so want to suck your titties dry and fuck your brains out..."

Wife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says "Well... what do you think of me now?"

A poem for Valentine's Day

Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.

I bought my wife a qwerty keyboard for Valentine's Day...

...She said she wanted a divorak.

For Valentine's Day, I booked the most expensive table at a restaurant that's named after the underworld.

When my girlfriend asked me where we were eating, I told her I'd reserved a special place in Hell for us.

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I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourettes Society.

It's the thought that cunts!

I brought my girlfriend to Mexico for Valentine's Day.

I got arrested on the way back for snuggling her over the border.

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Valentine's Day is almost here

I wonder if my wife knows those FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine's Day are about to expire.

What did the French baker buy his wife to surprise her on Valentine's day?


In honor of Valentine's Day - what's better than a rose on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

To all you beautiful girls, Happy Valentine's Day!

To all your fat girls, chin up, it's Pancake Day next week!

Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they did about Christmas when they were little?

Or is it just because I'm Jewish?

The Valentine's Day Blonde

A woman receives a huge bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend at the office and is clearly upset about it. Her co-workers ask what's wrong.

She replies, very annoyed: "This is just great. Now I guess I'll have to spend the whole evening on my back, with my legs in the air!"

The blonde ...

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be..

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones.
Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
The man asked the florist ...

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife

I thought that was an awesome trade

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