What's the difference between a trick performed by the Valentine's Day mascot and Putin?

The trick is a Cupid Stunt.

My friend told me he has trouble getting a date for Valentine's day.

I don't understand what's so hard about it. They literally grow in trees.

If couples celebrate Valentine's Day, what do single men celebrate?

Palm Sunday.

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day. He just got dumped by his girlfriend some minutes before. A baker takes pity on him and gives him a slice of cake - entirely free.

That man is like me. He's lonely, but at least he got some cake!

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

My wife said she wants a small gift this year for Valentine's day

So I'm making her a dildo cast from my own penis.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

It's Valentine's Day in the United States, and I'd just like everyone to know my girlfriend has giant, fake tits, and a huge fake dump truck.

In fact, pretty much everything on her is fake, including her existence.

Happy Single's Awareness Day, Reddit.

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TIFU...well it was actually yesterday, so YIFU by singing a Sam Cooke song for my GF on Valentine's Day:

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geograph...

This Valentine's Day I will no doubt be inundated again as usual...

In, undated

My friend spent Valentine's Day with her bird.

I said if she likes it then she shoulda put a wing on it.

That's why she prefers the bird.

\[This is all true.\]

In honor of Valentine's Day...

What does a passionate kiss and a spider have in common?

They both lead to the undoing of the fly.

a valentine's day request

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day. She said a divorce," the guy tells the bartender. "Oh, no. What did you do?" the bartender asks. "I just told her I hadn't planned on spending that much," the guy replies.

Valentine's Day gift decision - candle making kit or cat o' 9 tails?

I decided I'd rather she helped dip my wick

My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....

..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.

I made breakfast in bed for my girlfriend on Valentine's day?

It was a hearty meal

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

Have you guys heard Radiohead is releasing a Valentine's Day album?

It's called OK Cupid.

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A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.

A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "Last night my wife woke me up to tell me that she dreamed that I bought her a big, expensive diamond ring for Valentine's Day, and she wondered if that dream meant anything." "What did you tell her?" the bartender asks. "I gave her a pass...

What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine's Day?

Smash Mouth

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A Valentine's day haiku for you all....

Love is in the air,

So is coronavirus,

Wash your fucking hands.

Best thing about covid is I dont have to spend $200 on Valentine's day dinner this year.

Worst thing is the dead wife.

Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day?

Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.

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High School on Valentine's Day

A high school thought it might be a fun activity to let the teenagers cut out paper hearts, put the name or wish of their valentine on the card anonymously, and hang them on a chainlink fence at the entrance of the school. Of course someone had to take them all off afterwards. So the day following V...

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?

To remind single people that they are single.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day

She thinks i'm corny

To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day

Happy Alentine's Ay

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!

If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

I'm finally going on a Date this valentine's Day

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Having your period on Valentine's day

Will be such a pain in the ass

My Valentine's day night

My wife came home and looked at me. She tells me totake off her blouse, so I did. Now take off my bra, so I did. Now, take off my pants and panties. I did that as well.

As I'm standing there naked see says stop wearing my clothes you're stretching them out.

Valentine's day

Imagin how many people will be shaving tonight.

In Latin America, Valentine's Day is called β€œThe Day of Love and Friendship”

Because you want love, but she wants friendship

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

I consider myself lucky, I celebrate Valentine's Day every year

My name is Valentine

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

Or you can just take the whole thing.

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What did you get your girlfriend for Valentine's day?

A T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!

Finding love on valentine's day

Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

My wife called me on Valentine's Day

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

For valentine's day, I gave my wife a back-rub.

I told her, "Wow, they did a good job... when they removed your wings."
I kissed her forehead and whispered, "They did a good job on the horns too!"

A man and a woman on Valentine's day :

W: Where are you taking me to dinner tonight?

M: Nowhere, I don't take married women to dinner, ever.

W: But I'm your wife!


I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

How did the Star Wars fan spend Valentine's Day?


I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...

...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

I got my crush a special edition DVD for Valentine's day...

She was so happy she hi fived and hugged me. "That's friends!" my brother smiled as he watched us celebrate then put on the DVD. I said "No, it's love, actually."

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year

1. It's pay day

For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer...

So I was upset when I didn't get one this year. First my gran dies, now this?

I spent Valentine's Day the old fashioned way

Running around in a diaper shooting arrows at people

Happy Valentine's Day

The Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

"But why?" asked Mike. "Valentine's Day Joke"

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scen...

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

I wanted to go out for Valentine's day, but my relationship is complex

I'm real, she's imaginary.

Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a threesome!

Just needed two more people!



Wife on Valentine's day...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically unroman...

A man is going to buy flowers for his wife on Valentine's Day

There is one other man with him who he starts talking to. "It's so dumb you have to spend so much money on something that is just going to die" the other man said. "Yeah, and it's a real shame you have to buy them flowers" he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Why did the coworker get charged with sexual harassment on Valentine's Day?

Because he had a heart on.

Why do necrophiliacs like Valentine's Day more than most people?

The flowers have already been delivered.

I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day

that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.

Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

My mom made Rumaki as an appetizer for Valentine's Day...

so I didn't just have one date, I had four.

My girlfriend said she wants me to get on my knees this Valentine's day.

I don't even think the kitchen floor is *that* dirty, though.

Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"

The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."

The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them i...

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!'

I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourettes Society.

It's the thought that cunts!

A man is shopping for a Valentine's Day Card

He goes into the shop and asks the lady working there, "Do you have any cards that say 'For the one and only love of my life?'

'That's so romantic! The lady exclaims 'Yes, we do have a card with that exact text.'

'Great!' the man replies, 'I'll take eight.'

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine's day evening....

"Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?"

He says "I thought I so want to suck your titties dry and fuck your brains out..."

Wife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says "Well... what do you think of me now?"

What did the French baker buy his wife to surprise her on Valentine's day?


Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they did about Christmas when they were little?

Or is it just because I'm Jewish?

In honor of Valentine's Day - what's better than a rose on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

To all you beautiful girls, Happy Valentine's Day!

To all your fat girls, chin up, it's Pancake Day next week!

A poem for Valentine's Day

Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.

I brought my girlfriend to Mexico for Valentine's Day.

I got arrested on the way back for snuggling her over the border.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

When m'y girlfriend said let's not bother and do nothing this year for valentine's day

I agreed and realised way later that included sex

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Valentine's Day is almost here

I wonder if my wife knows those FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine's Day are about to expire.

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