Glasgow boys

Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s

forthcoming wedding.

‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ says Jock.

‘I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church,

the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma sta...

Two old men in Glasgow are talking...

"Here, did you see the Vienna Philharmonic are coming to town?"

\- "Nae bother, I reckon Rangers'll stick a couple of goals past 'em"

Why does the river Clyde run through Glasgow?

If it walked, it would get stabbed

The new Nightingale hospital in Glasgow has been renamed.

ICU Jimmy

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

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U2 is playing a gig in Glasgow

Midway through the song, the band stops and Bono comes out to the stage, clapping his hands slowly. After a minute he says, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." There is a tremendous silence throughout the venue, until one Glasgow man says, "Well stop fucking clapping you arse!"

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During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

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Rented myself a little studio in Glasgow. It's so nice that every girl I've brought back has instantly agreed to sex.

I love my aye pad.

*The Glasgow Brothel*

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer so...

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital.

Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies,

"Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe...

An American photographer on vacation.

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The ...

Wee Joe fae Glasgow...

After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation.

After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in.

That af...

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.

-Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye.

but If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

What did the Scottish man say when the bartender took his pint away?

Where did my Glasgow?

At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery

who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him "Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to th...

David Hasslehoff walks into a Glasgow pub

And barman says "what will it he Mr Hasslehoff"

David says, please it's just "Hoff"

And the barman replies "sure nae Hassle, Hoff"

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I went to a wedding in Glasgow..

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''... "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

An English man, Irishman and a Scotsman were drinking at a bar.

Suddenly, the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman wi...

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A phone call home...

A Brazilian football (soccer) star is on international commitments, representing Brazil at the World Cup far from home. He takes a few moments to speak to his family.

"So, how's things at home?" he asks.

"Terrible!", his mother replies. "We have no money. Your father is unemployed a...

London Lawyer v Glasgow Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's ...

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How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

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John Smith got a job at Ayr Seaport

Oh John's first day, he was told to, or rather wait for someone else to do so, transport a gorilla. He was told by his supervisor "Do anything, but don't touch it!" He went around, doing things until he thought "What happens if I do touch it?" So he leaned in the cage and lightly touched it, and it...

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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Du...

A woman gets a nasty cut...

... it's very deep and there's blood everywhere so she calls the emergency services. "Hello I've cut myself can i please speak to a doctor?" "Hi I'm a doctor, may I ask what your name is?"
"Maggie Smith"
"And when where you born?" Asked the doctor.
"17th of Apr...

Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry bloke
walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......

He sits at the counter and
notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of
chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke
bravely asks,

"If you are...

Scottish couple decided to go to Spain

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier, but because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and fl...

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In Memory of Ronnie Corbett

Here's some of his best jokes

- A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

- We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

- A man was maro...

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The Prime Minister visits a school

The Prime Minister was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asked The Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the the prime minister asked the class if they cou...

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Little Ian

A teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church," she asked them, "would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children ...

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