Bible teaches you to love thy neighbor.

Kama-sutra tells you how.

i have a friend whos saying is love thy neighbor

he lives next door to a brothel

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

Thy Lord said unto John; 'Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.'

...Alas John came fifth and won a toaster.

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

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They say "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"

But nobody ever appreciates when I try and jerk them off

I think we can arrange races between boats and marine mammals to fund marine mammal protection charities...

Or would thy defeat the porpoise?

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Important Lesson

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one lit...

Does thou dear mother know thy are a horse?

Nay.

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"Love thy neighbor as thyself", the bible said!

But my neighbour did not appreciate me trying to jerk him off :-/

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"

They run until they reach a dead end.

They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:

"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVE...

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A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" (Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I ...

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

One night a humble cobbler and devout Christian was praying when suddenly he heard a voice booming in his head.

"I am the Lord thy God. For offering the one trillionth prayer, I will answer three questions."

The cobbler decided he must think carefully about his questions so that he could do justice to God's message to His creation. After thinking for a bit, he managed to whisper, "Is it true that you m...

"Go forth and seek, further up, thy you will find glory"

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg instead of gear.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The p...

"Our Lord has many names. The Almighty. The Messiah. The Alpha and the Omega. The Shepard. Howard."

What do you he doesn't go by "Howard"?! Do you not know "The Lord's Prayer":



*Our Father who art in Heaven*

*Howard be thy name*

Nicola Sturgeon is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital when one of the patients sits up in bed and exclaims:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before Nicola can respond, another patient responds: "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

while a third one chimes in with "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat th...

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

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Ah sed to me Yorkshire mate, "Dosta know who built t'Ark?"

'E sed, "Aye, Noah"

Ah sed, "Mek up thy mind!"

Daft bugger.

THYS

There was once a rising boy band that went by the name of *THYS*. As they began gaining popularity, they realized that they needed some help. Chris, the band's drummer, asked his girlfriend, an attractive girl named Sarah, and she agreed to be the band's manager.

All was well. With Sarah doin...

A Genius

A British and an Irish were watching a movie. The hero of the film was riding on a galloping horse.

British, "It will fall off the horse ". But the Irish said it would never fall. Thy bet. Soon, the hero fell. British, didn’t I say. But why were you so confident ”it wouldn't fall?” Irish repl...

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It's funniest if you look up the verses yourself

A pastor has just moved to a new town, and the day before services, he goes around visiting members of his new congregation. He comes to one house and knocks... no answer. He rings the doorbell... no answer... but he can tell someone is home, so he pulls out a card and writes on the back, *Revelatio...

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

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The Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said,
'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interest...

Did you hear that there's now an 11th commandment?

Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's wife.

I gave the woman next door the coronavirus.

Her husband's fuming.

And I feel morally guilty.

It goes against everything I was taught.

Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour's wife.

What did God say to Mike Pence in 2020?

Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor’s wife.

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

Even the Catholic Church is doing its part to combat the coronavirus.

They’re changing one of the commandments to, “thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.”

A Pirate Ship is attacked by a similar sized ship

Before the impending battle begins, the captain says to his crew mate, "Bring me me red shirt." The crew fought gallantly, and won. After the battle, the crew mate asks his captain, "Sir, why did you ask for thy red shirt?" The captain responds, "so that way, if I was wounded in battle, the crew wou...

Jesus's Middle Name is Harold...

I've always wondered why people say Jesus H Christ, but I finally figured it out..



Our father

Who art' in heaven

Harold Be thy name

Old Custom In Ireland

There is an old custom in Ireland, to bow the head briefly in prayer when saying “Jesus” - particularly when saying the line from the Ave Maria, or Hail Mary, that ends with “... the fruit of thy womb, Jesus”

In christening services, where babies are dedicated to the Church, parents and godpa...

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Forrest Gump passed away

... And he is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it is certainly good to see ye. We hath heard much of you.  I must inform thee that Heaven is filling up fast, and we hath been admin...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

Jesus said 'Love they neighbour'...

but one of the ten commandments is 'thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbour's wife', so this puts me in a bit of a predicament.

Three nuns go to Heaven...

And when they are at the gates, Saint Peter says:

"I know you have sinned, I see it in your eyes. Before you walk through these gates you must atone for your sins. Sister Isabella, your eyes once coveted the flesh of a man. You must wash your eyes with Holy Water and you'll be free of sin an...

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

Hillbilly tries to get into Heaven

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. “Are you ready?” St. Peter asked?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugge...

My heroin-addicted friend

I used to have a great friend. As we grew older, he started doing heroin. Of course, this affected him pretty strongly. Eventually, he even started calling the injection his "God". Weird, I know, but that's just how he was.
Sadly, he passed away recently, although I guess that was to be expected....

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the limerick contest

An altar boy is sent up to the priest's office.
Priest: Now, I've heard you participated in a competition.
Altar Boy: Yes father, that is true.
Priest: And I heard, this was a competition in the art of writing limericks.
Altar Boy: Yes father, that is true.
Priest: And I hea...

An old priest goes golfing

An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.

"That goddamn wind!" says the old pries...

What did the christian say to the ladies at the gym?

Hallowed be thy gains

Mountains are not funny

Thy are hill areas.

God's First Name

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year? Second, how many days of the week have a 'T' in them? Third, what is God's first name? You ha...

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen...

...the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc ...

Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarcerati...

Ole goes to heaven

So one day ole passed away and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter said "In order to get into heaven, you have to answer 3 questions. if you correctly answer them, you can enter heaven."

ole said "well alright, whats the first question?"

Peter replied "the first question ...

So it’s a guys first day In prison...

... he hears someone yell 25, then everyone laughs. Another guy yells 54 and like before everyone laughs.

He asked his cell mate, “why are people laughing when thy hear a number.”

His cellmate responds ,”instead of telling joke we assigned the jokes numbers. Whenever someone yells ...

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There was a princess

who came of age, so her parents the King and Queen called for all princes to come and court her.

Day after day, each suitor came by, telling the princess what they would give her and why she should marry them. This went on for a few weeks, and the princess remained unsatisfied.

Sudden...

Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty.

Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away."

Zebra walks over to the pede...

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One day an atheist goes hunting in the woods

It's a very uneventful morning when he finally comes across the perfect shot. He loads his weapon, undoes the safety, and lines up his sight. To his surprise, all of a sudden a bear appears in his scope point blank. The bear pulls its claw back ready to slice the atheist open when he cries out, "oh ...

What is God's name?

Hallow....hallowed be thy name....

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

Two atheists are out hiking in the woods,

and they come upon some hungry bears. The pack of bears start chasing them, and corner them near a cliff. One of the atheists calls out, "Jesus, please help us." Jesus appears, pauses time, and asks whether the two atheists are willing to be proper Christians and follow all the commandments. The...

A carpenter and a priest were playing golf...

The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you do...

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