UPJOKE
kindlikablekindlyappealingempatheticbenevolentcharitablecongenialcompassionatelikeableharmonicempathicharmoniouscommiserativereceptive

Sympathetically Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move ...

Once upon a time, Joe goes to Europe.

One day, he walks into a bar and orders three beers from the bartender and drinks all of them. After repeating this a few times, the bartender becomes curious and asks,
"Excuse me, why do you always drink three beers at once?"

Joe responds, "My brothers, Mike and Bob, and I are triplet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:

What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

The entir...

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.

The barman says "That was quick!"


"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.

"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.

The man answers "no money."

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Why do want a divorce, the judge asked me

"Your Honour, my wife goes around from one pub to another every night and doesn't return home till its very late" I said.

The judge looked at me sympathetically and asked my wife sternly "is it true madam".

She said "It's true M'lord, but it's not what you think. You see this guy drink...

A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.

The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"

Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."

The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is in a bar looking slightly worse for wear... (NSFW)

...and the barman notices he looks pretty down and has been drinking quite heavily that night so he decides to ask him what's up.

The guy answers, "Well, I got home from work today to find my wife fucking my best friend."

"Shit, I'm sorry to hear that," says the barman, "that's terribl...

A Trump supporter was upset...

...about having ordered custom "Trump 2020-2024" merchandise from China and now not being able to get a refund. "I just can't accept that I have to kiss my 10 yuan goodbye." I nodded sympathetically but advised him that he'll just have to accept bye ten yuan.

Death and Gravity are having coffee together.

Death is complaining to Gravity after a long hard week. He tells Gravity " Man, I am so sick of my job. EVERYBODY hates, nobody is ever glad to see me. I just can't take it anymore"

Gravity listens sympathetically to Death venting and replies "Dude, I know just how you feel. I'm always bringi...

A young man and woman hit it off at a gathering

and the conversation soon turns to talking about their families. The girl sighs and says, “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us.” “I’m sorry”, the boy says sympathetically .”Oh, he's not dead.”, replies the girl, “Just very condescending.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad Parrot

A new pet store opens in a neighborhood and Tom stops in to buy dog food. As he walks past a cage with a parrot in it, the parrot says "hey you". Tomb looks at the parrot and says "hey you" to the parrot and the parrot responds "F**k you!" Tom obviously shocked walks back, selects his dog food, pays...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man walks into a bar

he sits down and orders 3 double vodkas, the bartender asks 'rough day ha?'. to this the man replies 'yea. i just found out my older brother is gay'. the bartender smiles sympathetically and services him his drinks.

the next day the same man walks into the same bar and orders the same drinks ...

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."

The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar

“It takes 3 hours to drive across my land”

The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:

“I used to have a truck like that.”

Plumber and a lawyer

A pipe bursts in a lawyer’s house, so he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaims, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”

The plumber replies symp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

A man is staring into his whiskey

The barkeep asks if something's the matter.

"3 of my servers have the same virus, there are reports of bugs and extensions cropping up in our clientelle's cookies, and today icecream sandwich ruined my phone."

"IT sounds rough" he adds sympathetically.

"IT?" the customer says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sits next to a young man at a bar...

An old man sits next to a young man at a bar and they get to talking.

The young fella is lamenting how he gets tounge-tied whenever he tries to talk to a pretty woman.

"I try to tell them that their face is pretty but instead, what comes out of my mouth is: your pace is fretty. ...

A small boy got lost at a baseball game...

He went up to a police officer and said: "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" asked the police officer sympathetically.
The boy replied, "Beer and women."

Amputee

There was a girl with no arms or legs sitting on a wheelchair in park by a lake. A jogger ran past and noticed she is crying. So sympathetically he asks her whats wrong and sobbing she replied she has never been hugged before, so the man hugged her and ran away. The next day the jogging man noticed...

A student son is visiting his father and upon arrival is clearly upset about something.

His dad asks him what is the matter, and the son replies that he just had a horrible first date with this really pretty girl.

Dad asks what happened.

Son:

“Well she asked me if I go to college. I said no.

Then she asked me if I drive a Mercedes. I truthfully said no.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank and said to the teller, “I wanna open a fucking checking account.”

“Certainly, sir,” answered the teller, “but there’s no need to use that kind of language.”
“Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account,” growled the would-be customer.

“I’ll be glad to be of service, sir,” said the teller, flushing slightly, “but I would appre...

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball...

and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her ...

A little old couple walked into a fast food restaurant.

The little old man walked up to the counter, ordered the food, paid, and took the tray back to the table where the little old lady sat. On the tray was a hamburger, a small bag of fries and a drink. Carefully the old man cut the hamburger in two, and divided the fries into two neat piles. He sipped ...

A blonde goes into work

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English teacher reminds her...

An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:


"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you had what he had, you'd do it too.

A well-dressed man runs into a bar and says to the bartender in a hurried voice, "Quick! I need 7 shots of your best, top shelf whiskey as fast as you can pour it!" The bartender grabs some 12-year-old bourbon and pours it into 7 shot glasses. The man downs all of the shots, one after the other. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.


"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I we...

Carrie and Cari

A Korean, Ohn Min-Jin, marries an American. They have identical twins and choosing to double down on similarities, they name them "Cari" and "Carrie". The sisters, as they age, are inseparable. As best friends, they even take vacations together.

On one trip, while at the airport, Cari wat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."

Da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So one day, I'm crossing the road...

and all of a sudden, a huge chicken starts walking beside me and introduces itself by saying "Hi, I'm Chicken Hu". I'm thinking "Holy shit, a talking chicken". I ask Chicken, I say "Hi Chicken, where are you from?". He says, "I was born in San Francisco". Surprised, I say "No, but where are you actu...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.