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What do you get when you put both halves of your butt together?

A buttwhole.

I said this to my fiancee last night and we both cracked up. I came up with it myself, although it's possible someone else has made this joke before.

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

A little bacteria was celebrating his birthday...

and all of his microbial friends got together to bake him a cake.

He was so excited upon seeing the cake that he underwent mitosis and split in two.

The microbial friends all worried that now there werent enough cakes, and that perhaps they should have planned better...

But actu...

A problem shared is a problem halved.

Unless it’s aids

Math jokes aren’t my favorite.

But I’ll make one if I halve two.

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The teacher asked the hottest girl in my math class to divide 13,939,393,938 by 2.

The student got to work, and as she did, her breathing became deeper and more rapid. A pink blush appeared on her cheeks and she clutched the pencil more tightly as she wrote. The class was stunned as we watched her begin to writhe in her seat. Soon she began to moan and mutter, "oh, my God!" Still,...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

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Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

I think my new Simpsons shirt is a knock-off

It says “don’t halve a cow, man”.

They really butchered the catchphrase.

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Trapped in a room.

A genie appears in front of a man, who then demands the genie grant him three wishes. The genie, offended, traps the man in a room closed off completely on all 6 faces. The genie appears in the room next to the man and says:
“I will leave you a wooden table, a pack of cigarettes, a hand saw, and ...

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One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

My mom recently told me this amazing piece of news.

Donald Trump was recently discovered to have a brain! Scientists said there are two halves of his brain discovered. In the left part, there is nothing right. And in the right part, there is nothing left.

You're locked in a room with no doors and no windows, just a table and a mirror. How do you escape?

You look in the mirror. See what you saw. Use the saw to cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out the hole.

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And an...

A man goes to a carnival advertising the three greatest samurai on earth...

He joins the expectant crowd eager to get their money's worth.

"The third greatest samurai" comes the announcement. The samurai steps up. A box is opened and a fly buzzes out. He draws his sword, there's a flash of light, and the fly falls in two equal halves. The crowd cheers.

"The s...

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Jews and Chinese doing business

A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese buys 25 pairs.

He r...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Coming up on a par 3, Moses has Honours, but puts his shot in the lake. He raises his club over his head, and the lake splits, revealing his ball on the sandy bottom. Moses walks between the halves of the lake and chips his second shot up onto the green where it rolls into the hole for a Birdie. Je...

Jason Mraz is to blame for Thanos

Just like everybody else in the Galaxy, Thanos got that damned song stuck in his head, but to the Universe’s dismay, he misunderstood it as “Halve it all.”

A famous armorer was called to court...

…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner’s heavy sword bounced o...

An engineer and a mathematician are brought to a room.

On the other side is a table with a suitcase holding a million dollars. They are told they can only walk half the distance to the table, and then each following move must be half the distance of the previous. The first to get the suitcase will keep it.

The mathematician doesn't move. He says...

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

I tried to come up with a math joke...

but all my ideas were derivative
and the punchline didn't add up.
Anyway, comedy has no absolute value.
Your jokes are sum of the best,
but minus not very funny
because I'm a perfect square.
I halve one, I guess...
but you're too obtuse to get it,
and trying to simplify it...

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Jewish and black kid

A Jewish and black kid asked his teacher one day "am I more black or more Jewish?" The teacher didn't know how to answer, so he told the boy to ask his rabbi. So, the boy asks his rabbi "am I more Jewish or more black?" The rabbi told him to ask his mother. So the boy ran home and asked his mom "am ...

A Simple Guide to Cake Consumption

If it's 1 o'clock and you're not hungry enough to eat the whole cake, eat half of it now and the other half in an hour. You can halve your cake and eat at 2.

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The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood ...

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

The story of the freezing kayaker

Once there was a man who liked to kayak during the winter, paddling along looking at the beautiful snow-covered scenery. Of course, it would get very cold out, so he would get very cold too.

One day he had an idea about how to keep warm. He sawed his kayak down the middle lengthwise and str...

American comes to Soviet Factory

Amrican delegation visits Soviet Factory. Soviet guide says to American visitors

- Soviet workers are so great, they will do anything we tell them

- [American] I don't believe it

- [Soviet guide] Watch

He lines up all workers in front of factory:

-tomorrow your pay...

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He's dead Doc!

An old man and his wife are having trouble in the bedroom. They visit their Doctor for help.

He recommends viagra but is a concerned about the man's age so suggests halving the dose. "Take it Monday, skip Tuesday, take it Wednesday, skip Thursday and so on ".

A few weeks later the do...

A Russian, Trump and a Mexican are captured by an Amazonian tribe

They are condemned to 50 hits with a stick.
The Russian goes first.

After the Russian gets all 50 of his hits it's Trump's turn. Feeling bad they give him 1 request. Trump asks them to halve his beating.

After Trump was done they felt really bad for the Mexican. They gave him 2 re...

Two cannibals are eating a guy...

They decide to split him up into halves. One cannibal takes the top and the other takes the bottom. The cannibal on the bottom asks the one eating the top half how it tastes.

"Good, can't complain." he replies

The cannibal on top asks the cannibal eating the lower half how it's going.<...

Moses walks into a bar

And says "I'll just halve water"

A teacher is grading tests when she notices one student is getting every question right, but then dividing the answer by two

Bewildered, she has a talk with him. He tells her he doesn't understand what the issue is, to which the teacher responds, "Look, the first step to getting better is admitting you halve a problem."

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Moscow, winter of 1943.

Among hundreds of people, Ivan and Sasha wait in line for bread. Finally, after 4 hours the baker comes out and says "We have orders from the Party to reduce rations so all Jews go home! No bread for you today!" Queue is thinning as about a hundred or so people leave reluctantly. Wind intensifies, s...

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three blokes deciding what to get their mrs' for christmas...

Bill, Bob & Ben sitting at some random bar, deciding on gifts for their better halves...

Bill says he's going to get his mrs a new blouse and this jacket she likes too - "if she doesn't like the blouse, she can wear the jacket to hide it" he jests.

Bob pipes in, "That's funny, i'm ...

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