In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

So I'm at the wailing wall...

Standing there like a moron, with my harpoon

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The new monk.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.



So, the new monk goes to the head ab...

The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says "Your time has come". The lawyer starts crying and wailing "But I'm only forty"

Angel of death says "Not according to your billable hours"

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists

And Jeeeeez, you should’ve heard her when she went in the furnace.

I was at the theatre seeing a tragedy and the man behind me started wailing.

I got hit in the head with a harpoon.

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

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A journalist is doing a report about people at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.

And she sees an old man coming back after a prayer.

-Sir, may I ask you how long have you been visiting the wall and praying here?

-Oh about 70 years now, not less.

-70 years! If it's not a secret, what have you been asking from God all these years?

-I've been asking for ...

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Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

(Me mate just passed and this was his favourite joke) A man walks up to a stranger and says, "Would ye like to hear a joke"? The stranger replies: Eh, aye. Why not?

The man then says "me life" and starts sobbing and wailing

The Stranger replies: Come now, your life can not be that bad. It's nothing to cry over, surely.

The man says back, "I'm not crying, I'm laughing. See? Hahaha" and the man starts fake laughing and sobbing at the same time. ...

So I got pulled over...

I was driving home from the bar and of course Sirens were wailing and showing red and blue.

I pulled over and the officer showed up to my window and shined a light in my eyes.

“Sir you have been swerving and your eyes are red have you been drinking”

“Well, your eyes are glazed h...

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

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This is an old joke I heard from a neighbor as a kid.

A boy and his mother move to a new neighborhood, and on his first day of school, the teacher is going around asking everyone’s names. When she gets to him, he says his name is “Buttitches.”

The teacher is annoyed, and demands his real name.

“Buttitches,” he insists.

“If you do...

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible

Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the "wailing of the damned"

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

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The Discovery of happiness

(English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any spelling/grammat mistakes xP)

A scientist, after many years of study managed to mathematically prove that having regular sex is the key to happiness. So, he decides to set up a conference, in which many people curious of his...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

Trump goes to Israel

and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks “why take the most expensive solution...

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her hom...

I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.

Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.

Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of my macines. The snacks were fine, but the drin...

Banned from the Holy City

Apparently, it is frowned upon to visit the Wailing Wall dressed as Captain Ahab.

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A king was feeling merciful one day.

He decides that his dungeons are getting full so he will grant freedom to some of the prisoners upon completing a simple task.

A few prisoners get the opportunity, and the king tells them to pick their favorite plant and come and see him.

An Irish man comes to him with a clover. "All y...

A patient is being seen by her doctor for an emergency visit...

"Doctor," croaks the patient, barely able to speak, "I'm in terrible pain! I made one of those frozen pizzas, and then ate it before it cooled down. I burned my throat terribly!"

The doctor, skeptical, checks the patient's mouth. He's shocked to see *extensive* burns throughout her mouth, and...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

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Dogs have a sixth sense.

A Man is hanging out by the river, watching people walk across a bridge, when a little shaggy dog walks up to him. Out of nowhere, the dog says

“Hey, did you know that we dogs have a sixth sense?”
“Really?” The man says
“Sure. That’s how we know when there are storms coming. That’s how...

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A guy California short stops a stop sign

And keeps going down an empty road. A cop who was sitting at the opposite corner sees this and pulls him over.
As he heads towards the drivers side door, the driver is rolling down his window and asks "What seems to be the issue, officer?"

"Well, I saw you didn't stop at the stop sign," h...

Three bridge security guards are sitting down to eat lunch...

The unpack their lunches. The first one has a bologna sandwich, the second has a PB&J sandwich, and the third has a ham and cheese sandwich. The next day, they have the same sandwiches again. This continues for many days until one day they are sick of it. They decide that if they don't get somet...

I went to the cinema to see a really, really sad film.

The guy behind me was just wailing. Half way through, a harpoon hit the back of my head.

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An elephant is walking along in the jungle (NSFW)

And steps on a thorn. "Ouch!" cries the elephant as he winces in pain.

A nearby mouse hears the elephant's wailing and runs over to see what's happening. "What's the matter?"

"I stepped on a thorn and it hurts like hell!"

The mouse is confident he can help the elephant, "Well le...

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A CNN reporter is in Israel

She see's a man praying by the Wailing Wall. She walks up to the man and begins interviewing him.

"Sir, how long have you been praying here"

Looking at his watch, the man replies, "I have been praying here for 60 years, 3 months, 17 days, and 3 hours"

"Sir, what have you been pr...

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard when he heard someone sobbing. He turned down a row of headstones to see a man kneeling in front of a grave and wailing.

"How could you do this to me?! ?" He cried. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, every second is agony! Why didn't you say anythin...

Phone calls to God $1,000

Priest takes a trip to the Vatican, as he walks he sees a pedestal with a gold telephone on top with a note "Phone calls to God $1,000". Priest thinks for a few seconds and then moves on. As he moves on he sees another pedestal with a gold telephone with a note "Phone calls to God $1,000", and as he...

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