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Severed Jokes

Just found an envelope containing several severed fingers in my mailbox

It was weird because we don't usually get mail on Sundays

What do you call a black guy with severed legs?

**AN AMBULANCE, CALL HIM AN AMBULANCE**

Three vampires were arguing about who's the fastest.

The first said, "See that village? I can kill all of the people there in 5 minutes"

The other two agreed to time it and he sped off, coming back in 4 minutes covered in blood.

The second vampire said, "See that town over there? I can kill all the people there in 2 minutes." and sped o...

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The Severed Penis (nsfw)

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severe...

What would you call Kenny Loggins if he was severed at the ankle?

Footloose.

A severed foot

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.

They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.

In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish.

It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though.

I used to know how to attach severed limbs back on a torso.

But I just can’t remember anymore.

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"Doctor, I've severed my penis off; can you reattach it?"

Doctor: I can't help you with that, young man.

Man: What! Why not?

Doctor: I don't re-member.

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

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A mother is driving her son to soccer practice behind Lorena Bobbitt, who flung her husband's severed penis out the window

The penis hit the mother's windshield, and her son yelled out "What was That???"

The mother said, "Nevermind, it was just a bug"

The son replied, "Did you see the pecker on that thing?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

A man serves up a severed head on a cooking show.

The judge gives him a 7/10.

‘The flavour has little body’, he says. ‘However, the execution is almost perfect.’

I walked passed the sea and thought I saw a severed hand floating

Turns out it was just a wave

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

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It was the fateful day that Lorena Bobbitt threw her husband's severed member out her car window...

As it happens, there were two hippies in a van behind her on the highway. They both jumped when the Lorena's projectile smacked against their windshield.

"Holy shit, man!" said one hippie. "Did you see the size of that bug?!"

"Never mind that, man!" said the other hippie. "Did you s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

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