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Rumours Jokes

My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play that game!

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

So Leonardo Dicaprio wants to quosh rumours that he only dates women under 25...

To demonstrate this, he's now dating Pete Davidson

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

Rumours of a food shortage.....

Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq?

I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there.

There were rumours spreading that Zeus has been cheating on his wife with other women

But it was all just Hera-say

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me never to listen to rumours.

Consequently my copy of Tusk is completely shagged out.

A DEA agent drives out to a farm to investigate rumours they are growing marijuana.

He approaches the farmer and shows him his warrant explaining that he will be searching the property.

Farmer: Okay, do what you gotta do. Just don't cross that fence over there.

Agent: See this warrant? It says i go where I want to. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Farmer: Do what you got...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists had heard rumours of a new species of butterfly in London...

But it turned out to be an Urban Moth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our local priest is very popular amongst the community but there are rumours that he's a paedophile.

That's a minor issue.

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

Rumours are spreading that Arnold Schwarzenegger is being cast in a Namor the Sub-Mariner film. It's not known who he will be playing...

But we can confirm that it's not Attuma.

There are rumours that the reason I'm leaving the company is because I was fired for breaking the windshield of my boss's Honda car...

the truth is... It's of my own Accord

Naming the new royal baby

Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”

When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

Did you know the Illuminati once bought pizza for every single person on the planet?

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.

Philip Schofield set to leave ITV..

Rumours say it’s because he now prefers BBC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Rumours started that the devil has been spotted in a hidden cave somewhere in Africa...

...The interest in these rumours rose and attracted the attention of USA, China and Russia. They sent their best spies to investigate the case. Months passed until they found the secret entrance to the cave. Surprisingly, the devil was expecting them. He acted as he admired their courage to face him...

Hey gurl, are you Area 51?

because there are tons of crazy rumours going on about you and upon further research, it seems like they might actually be true.

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

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3 guys and a witch....

In a small village there is a long standing rumour that the nearby woods was inhabited by a witch, several missing people and some strange smoke from a seemingly abandoned hut had fuel the rumours for years.
One day three local men decided enough was enough and made way to the woods for a few day...

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The police knocked on the door of a small Appalachian farmhouse.

"Good evening sir. We have received a report that you have been distilling illegal moonshine!"

"Me?! Moonshining?! That is a god damn lie! Never have I been so insulted in my entire life! I've never done anything like that! These are evil rumours that somebody has spread! - And I'll tell you ...

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

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A newly-wed couple goes to Jamaica for their honeymoon...

A few days before the wedding, the husband got his fiancee's name, Wendy, tattooed on his dick as a surprise on their trip. When soft it only shows "WY"

One day, the husband needs to take a piss before leaving a restaurant.

As he's pissing, a local black man walks in to piss as well, ...

Welsh joke *long*

This was told to me 35 years ago by Boyd Clack (google him for his works)

Small welsh village and the local vicar has been told that his sermon this week needs to be about the doctrine of the Church of Wales as there had been lots of rumours about the village of ghost sightings.

"and m...

Xavier the Saviour

Back when I was a kid, I was part of a youth group at my local catholic church. There, I got to know the most well-revered and eccentric man in the entire community, Father Xavier.


He was never one for formalities, so he insisted everyone in his youth group call him by whatever endearing ...

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

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