Never in my wildest dreams I thought that

I would wear a mask to bank and ask for money

I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.

Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.

For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home

When I was 15yo, I had met a couple by the name of John and Jane Doe and I thought that was the wildest coincidence ever.

Cut to a few months ago, I'm now 35 and I'm thinking about John and Jane Doe.

And I'm like, I bet they were lying to me about that.

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Father gives his son a lucky duck

A young man is celebrating his 18th birthday, when his dad comes over and tells him. "Since it's your 18th birthday, and we don't have much money, I want to give you this lucky duck. Go out and have a good time"

The young man, is a little sad, but accepts the present. Being a virgin he wanted...

The Young knight and his pipe

A young knight was nervous about his upcoming meeting with the king.

He went to the wise man, and told him of his worries, and the old man presented him an ornately designed pipe to give to the king as a gift.

"Wise master, I am confused. Why is it you suggest that I give him this beau...

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Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football...

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An old man is walking down the street when he hears a voice.

"Excuse me sir."

The old man looks around but doesn't see anybody. Perplexed, he continues on his way.

"Sir, down here."

The man stops and looks down, only to see a frog sitting at his feet. He looks around again to make sure nobody is watching before addressing the frog, "did ...

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

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A couple has been dating for three months in the sex is getting dull

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shìt on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it...

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A young monk joins a monastery.

The an older monk shows him around, as they visit the Library he says.

"We have a vast collection of books, if we don't have it here, it can be delivered within a day. You can use the library every day, except on Thursday."

Next they go to the kitchen.
"We have a world renowned chef...

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

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Genie in a vase

(Really long joke)

A young married couple were out playing golf for the first time when the husband overhit a drive towards a mansion just outside the course. They find the window broken and the door to into the mansion half opened when they rushed over. Thinking it best to just sincerely a...

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

My wife had a dream that I cheated on her.

Now I can say with complete honesty that I made her wildest dreams come true.

3 Drunken southern men are asking for one more round of drinks

The bartender says “no way, look at how drunk you’ve become!”

The 3 drunk southerners keep insisting.

The bartender says “Alright, whoever can name the southern most state in America gets another drink.

The 1st drunk Shouts “TEXAS! it’s where most people in the world think of wh...

[NSFW] Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"

 


The guy on the left wakes up and says, "That's incredible. I had the excact same dream!"

 

The guy in the middle ...

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

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A man is bored one Saturday Night...

It was Saturday night, and a man decides to go out to a nightclub to get lucky. He meets a pair of twins and thinks he has hit the jackpot when they invite him back to their house.

When he gets there, he finds that it is a weed farm, and they share the house with the grower, who is rolling a ...

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Two Blonde Genies

A guy finds a lamp and rubs it. Out pop two blonde genies. They thank him and offer him 3 wishes. He thinks for a minute, and *poof*...

He's in a vast room filled with $100 bills to his waist. He looks across the room and sees a door. He makes his way through the money to the door and opens...

A man releases a genie

A man is walking along a beach in California when he finds a bottle. He opens it, and with a puff of smoke, a genie is released.

"As a reward for freeing me from the bottle," says the genie, "I'll grant you one wish."

The man thinks for a while and says "I've always wanted to visit Aus...

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The Magic Dildo (nsfw)

Romeo has gotten a new job out of state and now must leave his girlfriend, Juliet, behind. Their love is strong so they both want to give this long distance thing a try. The night before his departure, Romeo gives Juliet a gift: A magic dildo. “To use it,” He says, “all you have to say is *Magic ...

Saddam's Ghost

Saddam Hussein had no sooner died than finding himself in hell, face to face with the Genie whom he had found as a child.

"You are a horrible Genie! You failed me with my three wishes!"

"No I didn't, Saddam...let's review...You wished to be a great leader of your country. This came tru...

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A King's Offer

In a far away land, an old king had fallen ill and was resigned to the inevitability of death. However, by failing to bear a son, the king feared for the future of his kingdom. A daughter, was all that would remain of his line.

So, to resolve this issue, the king came up with an offer. One d...

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A golf tale...

A man was playing golf in Ireland one day, when a wayward shot landed in the woods.


When he found the ball, he saw that it had hit a leprechaun on the head.


"I'm so sorry, let me get you some Ice" he offered to the fallen leprechaun.


"Aye, there is no need for that, ...

So a man is set up on a blind date with a Sunday school teacher...

He was worried about possibly going out with a prude but decided to give it a shot anyway. He took her out to dinner and asked what kind of wine should they order. She responded "Oh no, I couldn't have a drink. What would I tell my Sunday school?"

Disappointed, he realized this date was get...

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Pick-up Line Put-Downs

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been ...

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Nurse and the retired soldier. (NSFW)

A nurse was attending a retired soldier. They had a nice conversation when the nurse, out of curiosity, asked him the last time he had sex. The soldier answered: "I haven't had sex since 1946". Nurse was surprised and said that that seemed very long ago. Feeling a little kinky and sorry for the sold...

A genie eh....

Walking through the Sahara a man stumbles upon a peculiar lamp. The man immediately assumes this lamp is magical and begins to rub, and to his surprise it worked and a genie appeared.

To the mans delight he immediately asks how many wishes he gets and to this the genie replied "you will rec...

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