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Profanities Jokes

How do you make 3 old ladies all yell profanities at the same time ?

Have a fourth one yell "BINGO"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in labor is screaming profanities at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO,
you said that might hurt!"

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to confession...

says, "forgive me father. I used profanity and said the lord's name in vain."

priest says, "please, tell me exactly what happened, my son."

"well father, i was playing golf and i was on a long par 4 and i sliced my tee shot into the trees."

"is that when you used profanities, my...

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot, the parrot was rude and often sweared to get what it wanted. One day, the owner couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot started squawking profanities, until it finally stopped. The owner, in fear, opened th...

Guy goes into a pet store, looking to buy a parrot...

All the parrots were pretty expensive, except one. He asks the owner of the shop why is this one so cheap? It was a beautiful one to boot! the shop owner explains the the bird has a really dirty mouth and wants to get rid of it. The guy thinks to himself that he can teach it to be polite and not to ...

Untitled joke

A starving man stumbles into a tavern, practically drooling from the smell of stew wafting out of the building.
He staggers to the bar and is about to order some food when he realizes he forgot his wallet.
Looking around in hopes of seeing someone familiar he could ask for help, he sees an ang...

Have you heard of this bad doctor?

When people's limbs get cut off he replaces them, but with other animals' limbs.

One of his patients was really angry at this, and decided to call the doctor. After multiple profanities the patient said that if he finds the doctor he will kill him with his bear hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hugh the Blacksmith

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.

One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<...

Materialist Lawyer

A lawyer is getting out of his car when another vehicle comes along and rips the door right off the hinges. A cop sees the whole thing and comes over to assist the lawyer who is screaming profanities at the driver of the other vehicle.

The cop asks, "Are you alright, sir?"

The lawyer ...

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One fine saturday morning, the husband wakes up early and goes outside to tend to the animals on the farm.

When he returns, he grabs his gun, wakes his wife up, and declares "Woman: We're goin' hunting."

Stirred awake by his words, she replies "Awww husband, I don't want to go hunting."

"Woman, you know the rules. If you don't do what I want to do on a saturday morning, you've got to suck m...

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A young boy walks in on his parents arguing...

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and a young boy happens upon his parents who are arguing loudly in the kitchen. "You're a bitch!" Yells the father. "You're a bastard!" Yells the mother. "Well you've got floppy tits!" Says the father. "Yeah? Well you've got a crooked dick" Cries the mother. The fath...

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A man goes to buy a parrot

He puts it in his car and soon learns that parrot had been rescued from questionable places, as he drives back home with it.

Everyday, he hears it curse and shout profanities to any guest who visits the man. Most guests had left the man's place angry or crying as trash talked them.

The...

Two priests, Fathers Mike and Dave, are playing golf

Mike had been having an awesome day, while Dave, on the other hand, had not. Every time he teed off he'd slice the ball and shout "Dangit! I missed! Dangit dangit dangit!" along with other profanities not fit for a priest.

Mike, being level-headed, advised Dave that he needed to calm down, it...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

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The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

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One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.

So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.

They have but one parrot in stock, and...

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