Why are people from New York always depressed.

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

Why is Mrs Claus depressed?

Because Santa only comes once a year, and it's down the chimney.

What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?

Pain au pain.

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Therapist recommended I try using CBT to help with depression

I still feel dead inside, but at least now my balls are too

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

My friend was so depressed that he was always late for everything...

... that he threw himself behind a train.

Every time I'm depressed, I walk into a cornfield...

I stand in the middle and talk about all of my problems. The cornfield is an excellent listener because it's all ears.

How are a sloth and a depressed person similar?

Both hang from trees.

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The moth with depression

One evening physiotherapist is beginning to count down the minutes until he can close up his practice when his Secretary tells him that he has a walk in client, “well we are still open, so be it” says the physiotherapist “send them in!” The Secretary then gets kind of nervous and reveals that the cl...

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"

"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

What do you call depression that runs in the family?

Blue genes!

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit.

To whoever stole my depression medication.

I hope you're happy.

They've found a cure for depression!

How do you know a manic depressive girl loves you?

She hates you.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A depressed man tried to high five a tree

But it just left him hanging

Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road?

To get to the other sigh.

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The doctor said

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad

news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare

condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the

pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the

pressure is to remo...

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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.

Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start."

So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."

You know what they say about anti-depressants?

The more the merrier :)

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline

and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."

Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

What fell to the floor first ... The depressed kid or a leaf???

The leaf cause the boy was left hanging

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

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I accidentally took my grandpas viagra thinking it was my anti depressant medication

It’s gunna be a hard day...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpo...

Our bands bassist was always coming in late

He just couldn't get the timing right, so we kicked him out of the band. He got so depressed, he threw himself behind a bus.

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One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

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How does a depressed person view life?

There are sad days, and also Saturdays...

I remember the first time I confessed to my dad that I have depression

I told my dad "Dad...I'm suicidal"

And he says "Hi, Suicidal, I'm Dad!"

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

I went to my depressed friend's house to hangout.....

....but he already started without me.

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

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Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

Depressed people should stop feeling that they are a burden for other people

that’s our job

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

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Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

Which came first? Having to do yard work or my drinking problem?

Trick question. It was my depression.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

"Listen son, I don't really think ur depression jokes are appropriate"

"what jokes"

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

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i was excited when i was asked to participate in experiment about regular sex and its effects on mental health

being in control group definitely make me depressed

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

What’s a Depressed persons favorite drink?

A Depresso Espresso

Jk it’s cyanide

This lockdown's got my girlfriend feeling really depressed.

Anyone got a puncture repair kit?

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

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30 Times Left

A man is having problems with his penis, which had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is simply burned out. You only have 30 erections left."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is...

Today I learned about the links between high intelligence and depression

I just wish it made me feel better....

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Having a massive penis is a lot like having depression...

it's just something you learn to live with.

My friend has been terribly depressed since he went bungy jumping and the cord snapped.

He just hasn't bounced back.

What do you call a depressed dam in Iraq

A Saddam

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Why do cows look so depressed after being milked?

Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

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Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shit.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

A distraut wife asks her dying husband why he OD'd on his anti-depressants.

He simply said "Because either way, I'd end up happy."

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If you think Thursday are depressing, wait two days

Then it would be a sadder day (Saturday)

When I'm depressed, I cut myself

A piece of cake.

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Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed.

Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.'

Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But docto...

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

What do you call a depressed Canadian?

Red, white, and blue.

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

People say you cant be sad in Hawaii, its a magical place

Apparently, they've never heard of a tropical depression.

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

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What's the difference between my ex and my depression

My depression fucked me harder

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

Why is North Korea so depressing?

They have no Seoul

What do depressed teenagers go through everyday?

Pain and Acne

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

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What do you call a group of depressed virgins

Redditors

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.

She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

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A depressed man walks into a bar

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my older brother is gay", the man replies.

Next day comes and the man returns to the bar, once again ordering six double brandy....

I made a portrait of a depressed person and gifted it to them.

They hanged it too.

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

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Why did the Island need a Therapist?

Because it was in a tropical depression.

A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,

"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"

What happened to the emo

A depressed emo high off shrooms was walking in the forest when he came across a tree with arms. He tried to give him a high-five but the tree left him hanging.

An Irish girl came home with a depressed look on her face.

Her mother says "What's wrong m'deary?" Her daughter says "I've got a case of chlamydia.".

The mother says "Tis fine love. Put it down in the cellar. Your father will drink anything.".

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

What do you call a depressed tick from Rome?

A hopeless Roman Tick

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

I’m sad, depressed, and haven’t beat off in weeks...

Guess you could say I’m not feeling myself lately

Ugly Patient

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied...

Opposites

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"

A redneck in the back of the class stood up f...

I have a depression joke...

but ultimately it’s too long, doesn’t really go anywhere, and eventually makes you wonder if it’s even worth continuing

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

What is depressed teenagers least favorite room?

The living room

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

Everything is depressing, so you turns to making bread.

A friend came around and sees what you’re doing.
“Hey, nice bread”
You smiles feeling better.
“Thanks, I kneaded that”

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

People are making depression so bad

Back then it used to be Great

Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

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Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

I was feeling lethargic and apathetic so I took a vacation to the Bahamas. Still completely unmotivated, I just sat on the beach with a bottle of rum for hours and watched as a storm rolled in.

I was in a tropical depression.

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

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Why doesn't Viagra help with depression?

It just makes things harder.

I feel depressed

I asked my dad what it felt like to have the best son in the world and he said, “you can go and ask your grandma that.”

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