Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.

She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

To the guy who stole my anti-depressant medication

I hope you’re happy now.

When I'm depressed, I cut myself

A piece of cake.

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

Think Thursday is depressing? Wait two days

It’ll be sadder day then

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

I feel depressed

I asked my dad what it felt like to have the best son in the world and he said, “you can go and ask your grandma that.”

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

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Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

I have a depression joke...

but ultimately it’s too long, doesn’t really go anywhere, and eventually makes you wonder if it’s even worth continuing

If Jada Pinkett Smith one day falls into depression.

It's because she lost her Will.

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

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3 generations of prostitutes were sitting around discussing their trade

The daughter complains,"I'm only getting $20 for a blowjob."

The mother pipes up and says, "Back in my day we only got $5."

Then the grandmother speaks up and says, "During the great depression we were happy to just have something warm in our belly."

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

What’d do you say to a depressed girl from United Kingdom

UK

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

Depressed people's favorite Netflix category

is "watch again"

I’m sad, depressed, and haven’t beat off in weeks...

Guess you could say I’m not feeling myself lately

Where do a depressed snake go ?

S(pain)

Everything is depressing, so you turns to making bread.

A friend came around and sees what you’re doing.
“Hey, nice bread”
You smiles feeling better.
“Thanks, I kneaded that”

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"

What do you call a depressed tick from Rome?

A hopeless Roman Tick

Why was the train conductor depressed?

He felt like his life was just going in circles.

Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI)

Because they're never ***right.***



\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start."

So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."

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An old man was living at a nursing home. One day a nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.

She asked “ Is there anything wrong?”

“ Yes nurse” the old man said. “My private part died today and I am very sad.”

Knowing that her patients were sometimes a little senile she said “oh, I’m very sorry, please accept my condolences”

The next day the old man was walking down the...

I'm horribly depressed guys.

All this gravity is really bringing me down.

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

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What do you call a group of depressed virgins

Redditors

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

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Why doesn't Viagra help with depression?

It just makes things harder.

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A depressed man walks into a bar

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my older brother is gay", the man replies.

Next day comes and the man returns to the bar, once again ordering six double brandy....

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

How do you cure depression ?

Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.

I think my dog is depressed.

Whenever I ask him how things are going he says ruff.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

Wanna hear something depressing?

A pull.

The other day I tried an escape room called depression

And I did not escape

What did the depressed teen say in the Midwest?

Please end my Missouri

They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people

They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they're never right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golden British humour!

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time & decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space.

Dr. Smith was a Psychiatrist
&
Dr. Jones was a Proctologist (related to colon, anus)


They put u...

The Glass

Happy person: The glass is half full

Depressed person: The glass is half empty

The Engineer: The glass is twice as big as necessary.

Imagine that the next US president is a married woman

Would we call her husband a first ladyboy?


pls laugh I'm so depressed

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

What do you call a depressed superhero?

I hate it here man

What is depressed teenagers least favorite room?

The living room

M‌‌y d‌‌a‌‌d f‌‌irs‌‌t t‌‌alke‌‌d t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e a‌‌bou‌‌t s‌‌e‌‌x w‌‌he‌‌n I‌‌‌‌ w‌‌a‌‌s g‌‌oin‌‌g t‌‌‌‌o c‌‌ollege.

H‌‌e s‌‌aid‌‌, "‌‌Son‌‌, i‌‌‌‌n c‌‌olleg‌‌e y‌‌ou'r‌‌e g‌‌oin‌‌g t‌‌‌‌o b‌‌‌‌e s‌‌urrounde‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y b‌‌eautifu‌‌l g‌‌irls‌‌, s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌o‌‌t y‌‌o‌‌u s‌‌omethin‌‌g f‌‌ro‌‌m t‌‌h‌‌e c‌‌hemist."

"Dad,‌‌" I‌‌‌‌ s‌‌aid‌‌, "‌‌‌‌I h‌‌av‌‌e c‌‌ondoms."

An‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌aid‌‌, "‌‌Yo‌‌u w‌‌...

What does depressed soap have?

The big sud

A mother is unsure about her depressed son's well-being

She asks him to clarify that he will not commit suicide, the boy tries to reassure her and replies:
"Don't worry mom! Suicide is the last thing I'd do!"

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression

It would cut itself

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

When you see pictures of the Holocaust it’s really sad

But it’s even more depressing when you realize the camera adds 10 pounds

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and Depression?

I don't have the Ferrari

What is a depressed persons favorite drink???

Espresso depresso

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Depression Era Prostitute NSFW

Three generations of prostitutes were hanging out on the street corner talking about their day.

The youngest complains “I just sucked that guy off and all I got was a lousy $50!”

The middle aged one says “$50?!?! Hell, when I was your age I would be thrilled with $10!”

The eldes...

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression

He thought it would lift me up, but it just makes everything a whole lot harder.

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A scientist walks into a bar and sees a depressed man.

"What's wrong?" says the scientist.

"I have nothing to live for," the man replies miserably. "I'm an absolute nobody. I don't have anything to offer the world. I'm completely unspecial and just another average Joe. I don't even know why I'm here. What's the point? What's my purpose?"

T...

Are you feeling depressed, sadden, unhappy, gloomy, melancholy, miserable, and dejected?

I know the secret to make it all better.

Just put that damn thesaurus away!

All those who are depressed. Remember, Kim Jong Un loves you

You'll be shot last.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

How do you get over seasonal depression?

You just fall out of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Saturday, Sunday.

This morning my wife asked me whether I had any dark stuff

And I admitted that between the pandemic and the Trump administration I’ve been feeling a paralyzing mix of anxiety and depression. Then she said “No, I’m putting a load of laundry in.”

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Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

Name for a PTSD support group

I just got kicked out of my support group for those chronically depressed with PTSD. We were trying to think up a group name, apparently 'The Suicide Squad' isn't considered appropriate.

The other day a group of guys robbed all the anti-depressants from the pharmacy up the street from me and now my whole neighbourhood is terrified

Hope they're happy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wooden eye and the hunch back

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his fri...

My math teacher was feeling depressed.

I told him he should get to the root of the problem quickly before he starts feeling sinusoidal.

I dont know how the US government can get mad at students with depression for shootings

when the only reason the US got over the Great Depression was because of WWII.

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it's fucked up that for the 2020s we didnt even get the roarin part like in the past

we just went straight to the depression

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very depressed man goes to the proctologist

“Ya know doc, life seems harsh and cruel. I feel all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. I don’t know what to do.”

The doctor says, “Son, I don’t really know what to tell you, but I have a suggestion for some simple treatment... The great clown Pagliacci...

It was bummed that it raining during our honeymoon in the Bahamas

My wife said, “why so gloomy? It’s not like it’s a hurricane!”

“I know,” I said, “just a little tropical depression.”

When commercials are selling anti-depressants and say that a side effect could be death,

Are depressed people like "it's a win if I die and a win if I dont?"

I went to the doctor and got a needle stuck in my arm

Is much less depressing than "I got a needle stuck in my arm and then went to the doctor".

I don't mind going to the dentist.

My tongue hates it, though. He always gets depressed.

:)

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I asked my penis if it felt depressed knowing it's only function of existence is to purge out bodily fluids all day, everyday, for all eternity.

He said ***At first, it pisses you off, but then you cum to enjoy it.***😉

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

Did you hear about the depressed traffic jam?

It was really bummer-to-bummer.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

Trump did make one thing about America great again!

The depression.

Martin was depressed

Martin was depressed because he never got girls. But then Martin became a director. Now Martin scores easy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're not depressed...

I was at the beach and noticed a younger guy who was moping and looking sad. To make matters worse the guy was scrawny and couldn't have weighed more than a 100 lbs.

I walked up to the guy and said "hey buddy what's wrong? It's a beautiful day at the beach and there's nothing but gorgeous...

A lot of times I'm depressed throughout the week, and then the weekend comes and I'm worse...

Some would call it a sadder day.

Last year I was feeling sad, lonely and depressed. I have managed to turn it around this year.

Now I'm depressed, lonely and sad.

Why was one of Santa's little helpers depressed?

He had low elf esteem.

What does a vampire drink when depressed?

B positive!

What's the one good thing about being a depressed procrastinator?

You'll always put off killing yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

My wife looked into the mirror and said "I feel fat and it's making me depressed."



"Well then," I replied "stop touching it."

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

Why was the necrophiliac depressed?

His lovers were always giving him the cold shoulder.

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Soviet Russia

A depressed man is walking on the street muttering: "Out of milk, out of eggs, out of meat..."

A member of the police force approaches him: "Shut up or I'll wack you across the head with my gun."

"...Out of ammo"

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