What do you call a depressed acapella group?

Self Harmony

I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox

But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable

I went to my depressed friend's house to hangout.....

....but he already started without me.

To the guy who stole my anti-depressants

I hope your happy.

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope…

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Having a massive penis is a lot like having depression...

it's just something you learn to live with.

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

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"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I prefer to hear bad news first".

"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."

"And good news?"

"You won't give a fuck."

My friend has been terribly depressed since he went bungy jumping and the cord snapped.

He just hasn't bounced back.

What does a cat drink when it’s depressed?

Whiskey.

What do you call a depressed Canadian?

Red, white, and blue.

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Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed.

Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.'

Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But docto...

I made a portrait of a depressed person and gifted it to them.

They hanged it too.

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

What do depressed teenagers go through everyday?

Pain and Acne

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

Why is North Korea so depressing?

They have no Seoul

An Irish girl came home with a depressed look on her face.

Her mother says "What's wrong m'deary?" Her daughter says "I've got a case of chlamydia.".

The mother says "Tis fine love. Put it down in the cellar. Your father will drink anything.".

When I'm depressed, I cut myself

A piece of cake.

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

Think Thursday is depressing? Wait two days

It’ll be sadder day then

People are making depression so bad

Back then it used to be Great

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,

"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.

She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start."

So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

I feel depressed

I asked my dad what it felt like to have the best son in the world and he said, “you can go and ask your grandma that.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

I have a depression joke...

but ultimately it’s too long, doesn’t really go anywhere, and eventually makes you wonder if it’s even worth continuing

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

I’m sad, depressed, and haven’t beat off in weeks...

Guess you could say I’m not feeling myself lately

Everything is depressing, so you turns to making bread.

A friend came around and sees what you’re doing.
“Hey, nice bread”
You smiles feeling better.
“Thanks, I kneaded that”

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

What’d do you say to a depressed girl from United Kingdom

UK

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being.After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie.He asks ‟How can I ever repay you?”

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; a...

Depressed people's favorite Netflix category

is "watch again"

What do you call a depressed tick from Rome?

A hopeless Roman Tick

Why was the train conductor depressed?

He felt like his life was just going in circles.

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A depressed man walks into a bar

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my older brother is gay", the man replies.

Next day comes and the man returns to the bar, once again ordering six double brandy....

I comforted my depressed friend.

I said, “Sometimes, you just got to stop and breathe in the air.”

He said, “Yeah, like all the time.”

What's common between a coffin and a depressed person?

Both have dead inside

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

I'm horribly depressed guys.

All this gravity is really bringing me down.

Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI)

Because they're never ***right.***



\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Viagra help with depression?

It just makes things harder.

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An old man was living at a nursing home. One day a nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.

She asked “ Is there anything wrong?”

“ Yes nurse” the old man said. “My private part died today and I am very sad.”

Knowing that her patients were sometimes a little senile she said “oh, I’m very sorry, please accept my condolences”

The next day the old man was walking down the...

The depressing thing about playing tennis is.....

No matter how much you practice, you'll never be as good as a wall.

A teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence

One of the student raises his hand and says: “My big brother is really depressed nowadays”

The teacher asks: “why”?

The kid goes: “he broke up with his girlfriend”

So the teacher asks the student “and how is this relevant?”

He says: Harassment a lot to him

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye.Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he's temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him u...

I think my dog is depressed.

Whenever I ask him how things are going he says ruff.

An old millionaire is asked how he gained his wealth...

He says: "When I was a young man in the middle of the Great Depression, all I had was five cents. With that five cents, I bought an apple, shined and scrubbed it all day, and at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents. With the ten cents, I bought two apples, scrubbed and shined them all day, an...

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

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Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Wanna hear something depressing?

A pull.

The other day I tried an escape room called depression

And I did not escape

What is depressed teenagers least favorite room?

The living room

They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people

They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

What did the depressed teen say in the Midwest?

Please end my Missouri

My mother keep saying "if you good at something don't do it for free"

Now I just have to find out how to sell depression

Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they're never right.

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression

It would cut itself

Two Egyptians walk into a bar

"Where's your third friend?" Asks the bartender.

"He's gone to drink his sorrows down in the river." They replied.

"Oh no, is he depressed?"

"No, he's in De Nile."

What does depressed soap have?

The big sud

What is a depressed persons favorite drink???

Espresso depresso

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Saturday, Sunday.

A mother is unsure about her depressed son's well-being

She asks him to clarify that he will not commit suicide, the boy tries to reassure her and replies:
"Don't worry mom! Suicide is the last thing I'd do!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Depression Era Prostitute NSFW

Three generations of prostitutes were hanging out on the street corner talking about their day.

The youngest complains “I just sucked that guy off and all I got was a lousy $50!”

The middle aged one says “$50?!?! Hell, when I was your age I would be thrilled with $10!”

The eldes...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

How do you get over seasonal depression?

You just fall out of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

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A scientist walks into a bar and sees a depressed man.

"What's wrong?" says the scientist.

"I have nothing to live for," the man replies miserably. "I'm an absolute nobody. I don't have anything to offer the world. I'm completely unspecial and just another average Joe. I don't even know why I'm here. What's the point? What's my purpose?"

T...

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Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

How do you tell the difference between a recession and depression?

If your friend loses his job, it's a recession. If you lose your job, it's a depression.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression

He thought it would lift me up, but it just makes everything a whole lot harder.

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

A man walked into a bar and orders a drink...

“What’ll you have?” asks the bartender

Man - Anything but a Bud Light
So the bartender pours him a Jack and Coke

After a while the man again requests a drink.

Bartender - what will it be this time?
Man - Anything but a Bud Light
After then finishing his Old Fashioned, t...

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

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