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Depress Jokes

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

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A depressed man walks into a bar.

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay", the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six...

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?

Melancolleague(s)

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What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder

New Jersey ranks highest in depression and marital infidelity

It's a sad state of affairs

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

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A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff.

Trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to  kill yourself  anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"  
The woman said  "Hell no! Get  away from me  you sicko!"  
The bum turned to leave  and muttered,  "Fine,  I'll just go  wait at the botto...

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

Why are people from New York always depressed.

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

What do you call a society of depressed people?

A melancholony.

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What does someone with depression and a necrophile have in common ?

They both feel like fucking corpses.

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

I was going to make a depressed joke

But my parents already did.

What do you call a depressed fireman?

A first desponder.

Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?

Midlife Crisis.

What did the vampire say to his depressed friend?

Be positive.

- Doctor, I'm having constant depression. Nothing works.

\- The best cure you can try is to fully submerge yourself in your work.

\- Doctor, but I'm working as a plumber.

A man is severely depressed.

Joke:

His wife left him, took the kids and due to all the stress and pressure in his personal life, his work performance took a dive and he was fired. Without a job, he lost his home, his possessions and whatever was left of his dignity and hope. He decided to end his miserable life.

...

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Some Jerk stole my Anti-Depressants earlier today.

I hope he's happy.

A depressed man went to the doctor

The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"

And the doctor said "Pay in advance."

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

I was so depressed last night

thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

What’s a depressed skateboarder’s favourite trick?

Melanchollies

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

what's the most depressing place to live in America?

Missouri

why did the Astronaut fall into depression?

because he wasn't happy in the closed 'space'

A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

Why was the 10 year-old medieval peasant depressed?

He was going through his midlife crisis.

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A Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

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A golfer looses one of his arms and is depressed.

He can no longer play golf and feels he has nothing to live for, so he decides to end it all.
He goes to the top of a building and is ready to jump when he sees a man with no arms bouncing around happily on the sidewalk below him.
Wondering how someone with one less arm than him could possibly...

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

I was feeling depressed so my wife came, put her hand on my shoulder, and said “Earth”

That meant the world to me.

Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

Did you hear about the depressed light switch?

It couldn’t go on.

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Old 1930s depression era joke…

What is the difference between a single man, and a divorced man?


A single man is missing buttons on his shirt.
A divorced man has no shirt.




Another depression era joke:

Church Usher: “things are definitely improving for the congregation.”

Minister: “how...

I have a great joke about depression, wanna hear it?

*sigh* Who am I kidding?

You'll hate it anyways.

The Depressed Pessimist

The depressed pessimist: *"I don't think this day can get any worse..."*

 

The cheerful optimist: *"IT CAN!!"*

Last year i was depressed and miserable,

But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed

What is the difference between an economic recession and an economic depression?

One is when your neighbor loses their job, the other is when you also lose yours.

Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"

Why was the dolphin depressed?

His life had no porpoise.

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, reduces anxiety and helps you to live longer.

Until they start to fart in their sleep.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common?

Both hang from the tree

Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..

It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

Do you have seasonal depression?

Or are you just feeling a little under the weather?

Having depression is like your girl having an only fans.

You might be cool with it but, you stay wondering who’s watching and what they think.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

White girl : So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth : YES!!!

Why is Mrs Claus depressed?

Because Santa only comes once a year, and it's down the chimney.

What medication does Putin take for his depression?

USSRIs

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress?

At what age did your childhood pet run away?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?

In what city did you first...

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

Looking a bit depressed - the Boss shouted out at the worker

Forget about the past - you can’t change it
Forget about the future - you can’t predict it

Forget about the present - i didn’t get you one

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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

Why was the three-legged dog depressed?

Because he had a lack of pawpose.

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

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Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

I made a 3D game about a depressed self-harming goth

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

They've found a cure for depression!

My wife was depressed so I bought her a trampoline to cheer her up

She's doing much better now but she still has her ups and downs.

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what do depressed people and sex addicts have in common?

nuttin’ matters

I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.

Now I can look back and laugh.

Did you hear about the depressed hipster?

They found him in his garage, with a hose in his drivers side window, leading to the charging port of his Tesla.

Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road?

To get to the other sigh.

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

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Therapist recommended I try using CBT to help with depression

I still feel dead inside, but at least now my balls are too

What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?

Pain au pain.

What do you call a depressing tale about a discontinued car?

A Saab Story.

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

What’s the best vegetable to eat if your depressed?

Desparagus

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The color palette of most public restrooms in public beaches and forests is on the depressing earth-tones and brown side…

…I mean, shit.

What did the depressed extrovert say when he was invited out?

I’m always down

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

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My doctor told me that his research on intestinal flora could be close to curing depression, but that they were missing samples.

And I gotta tell you; for the first time in my life, I actually gave a shit.

How are a sloth and a depressed person similar?

Both hang from trees.

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I was depressed and found a genie.

He offered me one wish, so I said I wished I could be hung.

**POOF!** my penis doubled in length.

It was then I realized that the proper word was “hanged”

Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil?

It gives them a huile d'olive

Yesterday, I got so depressed..

..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

I told my friend, “ I was really depressed after I broke all my fingers in a car accident a few months ago.”

He said, “How do you feel now?”

I said, “With my elbows, mostly.”

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A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

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The best blowjobs come from depressed women.

Because they try to choke on them and die.

Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

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Bought my depressed mate a rabbit for his birthday and he was NOT happy.

He was like “Why the fuck did you buy me a rabbit? What the hell am I going to do with this?”

I was shocked. I was convinced it would cheer him up.

I replied. “Well, I know you can never truly replace old pets, but your girlfriend said you’d been down ever since you lost your hare”

What is depressed teenagers least favorite room?

The living room

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

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How does a depressed person view life?

There are sad days, and also Saturdays...

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What did one depressed saggy boob say to the other?

We better get some support before people think we're nuts!

What's big, Scottish, and depressing?

Scotland.

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

My friend was so depressed that he was always late for everything...

... that he threw himself behind a train.

I feel depressed

I asked my dad what it felt like to have the best son in the world and he said, “you can go and ask your grandma that.”

How did the cowboy know that his horse was depressed?

It was saddled with a long face.

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

A depressed man tried to high five a tree

But it just left him hanging

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"

"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

What's the difference between crippling depression and crippled depression?

One can't get out of bed because they're depressed, the other is depressed because they can't get out of bed.

One day Winnie asks Eeyore "We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?"

Eeyore: "Cause I have a nail in my @$$."

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What do you call a group of depressed virgins

Redditors

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

Martin was depressed

Martin was depressed because he never got girls. But then Martin became a director. Now Martin scores easy.

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

I'm horribly depressed guys.

All this gravity is really bringing me down.

Wanna hear something depressing?

A pull.

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