If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

What do depressed people and monkeys have in common?

They hang from trees

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One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

I remember the first time I confessed to my dad that I have depression

I told my dad "Dad...I'm suicidal"

And he says "Hi, Suicidal, I'm Dad!"

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How does a depressed person view life?

There are sad days, and also Saturdays...

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I accidentally took my grandpas viagra thinking it was my anti depressant medication

It’s gunna be a hard day...

Why are British people always depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is France!


(Also works with New York - New Jersey)

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

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Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

Depressed people should stop feeling that they are a burden for other people

that’s our job

The thing my depression and life have in common

Is they both won't stop bothering me

What do you call a Donkey Kong game that is set during the Great Depression?

The Apes of Wrath

I went to my depressed friend's house to hangout.....

....but he already started without me.

"Listen son, I don't really think ur depression jokes are appropriate"

"what jokes"

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start."

So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."

To the guy that stole my depression medication...

I hope you’re happy.

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

This lockdown's got my girlfriend feeling really depressed.

Anyone got a puncture repair kit?

What’s a Depressed persons favorite drink?

A Depresso Espresso

Jk it’s cyanide

What do you call a depressed dam in Iraq

A Saddam

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Why do cows look so depressed after being milked?

Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope…

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

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Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shit.

A distraut wife asks her dying husband why he OD'd on his anti-depressants.

He simply said "Because either way, I'd end up happy."

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

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If you think Thursday are depressing, wait two days

Then it would be a sadder day (Saturday)

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Having a massive penis is a lot like having depression...

it's just something you learn to live with.

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

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An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Be...

My friend has been terribly depressed since he went bungy jumping and the cord snapped.

He just hasn't bounced back.

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

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What's the difference between my ex and my depression

My depression fucked me harder

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

What's a sad man's favorite kind of coffee?

Depresso

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

A depressed man walks into a library

Depressed man: do you have any books on suicide?

Library staff: yes it’s on the third shelf over there

Depressed man: walks to third shelf

Depressed man after a few minutes: I can’t seem to find any.

Library staff: yep it’s awful cause they never bring them back

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Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed.

Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.'

Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But docto...

What do you call a depressed Canadian?

Red, white, and blue.

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

When I'm depressed, I cut myself

A piece of cake.

I told my girl I love you.

She said I love U2. That was kind of depressing. She's talking about music at this vulnerable moment. So I broke up with her.

I know a guy who had a pet pig.

This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed(not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.

tld;dr: my friend'...

I made a portrait of a depressed person and gifted it to them.

They hanged it too.

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

What do depressed teenagers go through everyday?

Pain and Acne

Why is North Korea so depressing?

They have no Seoul

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.

She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

An Irish girl came home with a depressed look on her face.

Her mother says "What's wrong m'deary?" Her daughter says "I've got a case of chlamydia.".

The mother says "Tis fine love. Put it down in the cellar. Your father will drink anything.".

A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,

"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

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Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

People are making depression so bad

Back then it used to be Great

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

What do you call a emo kid on vacation?

A Tropical Depression

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Man with one arm.

Once upon a time there was a man who had lost his arm in a car accident. Losing his arm made him lose his job and made him very sad . He looked for work everywhere but he was not able to find and this made him very depressed. He tried to take his life one day by jumping off a building. Looking down...

I have a depression joke...

but ultimately it’s too long, doesn’t really go anywhere, and eventually makes you wonder if it’s even worth continuing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

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What do you call a group of depressed virgins

Redditors

What's the difference between a street cat and a philosophy graduate?

One is sad to look at because it's depressing. The other is a cat.

I’m sad, depressed, and haven’t beat off in weeks...

Guess you could say I’m not feeling myself lately

I feel depressed

I asked my dad what it felt like to have the best son in the world and he said, “you can go and ask your grandma that.”

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A depressed man walks into a bar

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my older brother is gay", the man replies.

Next day comes and the man returns to the bar, once again ordering six double brandy....

What do you call a depressed tick from Rome?

A hopeless Roman Tick

Everything is depressing, so you turns to making bread.

A friend came around and sees what you’re doing.
“Hey, nice bread”
You smiles feeling better.
“Thanks, I kneaded that”

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

What is common between a depressed man and a snake?

Both were found hanging from a tree.

PS: A Suicide joke kills on itself. Not here for validation.

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

Depressed people's favorite Netflix category

is "watch again"

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Why doesn't Viagra help with depression?

It just makes things harder.

Why was the train conductor depressed?

He felt like his life was just going in circles.

What’d do you say to a depressed girl from United Kingdom

UK

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

What is depressed teenagers least favorite room?

The living room

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

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The 7 stages of grief

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
6. Saturday
7. Sunday

I'm horribly depressed guys.

All this gravity is really bringing me down.

Cyclops

Is the sound a depressed horse makes when it runs

The depressing thing about playing tennis is.....

No matter how much you practice, you'll never be as good as a wall.

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Saturday, Sunday.

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

What's common between a coffin and a depressed person?

Both have dead inside

Why are obtuse angles so depressed? (BPI)

Because they're never ***right.***



\- brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

I comforted my depressed friend.

I said, “Sometimes, you just got to stop and breathe in the air.”

He said, “Yeah, like all the time.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was living at a nursing home. One day a nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.

She asked “ Is there anything wrong?”

“ Yes nurse” the old man said. “My private part died today and I am very sad.”

Knowing that her patients were sometimes a little senile she said “oh, I’m very sorry, please accept my condolences”

The next day the old man was walking down the...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

I think my dog is depressed.

Whenever I ask him how things are going he says ruff.

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

The other day I tried an escape room called depression

And I did not escape

Wanna hear something depressing?

A pull.

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression

It would cut itself

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people

They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

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