UPJOKE
lowerweakenget downdejectdiminishdeflatedemoralizedismaydispiritcast downdampenerodeoutpaceplummetslows

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.

He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.

“Try to restrain yourself,” said the therapist.

A meteorologist walks in a bar

After a moment, he says: "That's not even a bar here, it feels depressive"

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

Dreamworks has announced a new film exploring Hiccup's descent into depression and alcoholism after saying goodbye to Toothless.

It's called *How to Drain Your Flagon.*

what's the most depressing place to live in America?

Missouri

One day Winnie asks Eeyore "We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?"

Eeyore: "Cause I have a nail in my @$$."

What's the difference between me and the stock market?

1) My parents are actually invested in the stock market

2) The stock market still has some value

3) People care that the stock market is currently depressed

What did the depressed extrovert say when he was invited out?

I’m always down

Two idiots go on a fishing trip

They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this u...

Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!

Why was the dolphin depressed?

His life had no porpoise.

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

Zebra dies and goes to Heaven

The giraffe asks him, "Why you look so depressed? "

Zebra says, "I never knew if I was black with white stripes or white with black stripes."

Giraffe says, "We you can go to God and ask Him any question."

So the Zebra goes and comes back looking confused.

Giraffe asks, "...

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is hanging out in a barn watching MTV.

He sees a guy on stage playing the guitar and says, "I want to learn the guitar!" So he calls up a music teacher and tells him he wants to learn the guitar. Only problem is, he's a horse. Music teacher says "no problem, come on in and I'll teach you guitar." Horse goes to see the music teacher and l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his '92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.

As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.

He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.

More than a li...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been depressed, lately, because I’m in my thirties and don’t have a girlfriend

My friends have tried to be supportive.

My wife has been a real jerk about the whole thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A depressed man walks into a bar.

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay", the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six...

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

What medication does Putin take for his depression?

USSRIs

The Depressed Pessimist

The depressed pessimist: *"I don't think this day can get any worse..."*

&nbsp;

The cheerful optimist: *"IT CAN!!"*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder

What’s the best vegetable to eat if your depressed?

Desparagus

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dead Cow and the Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly conti...

I started worrying that my jokes are painfully outdated..

I felt discouraged and despondent when I realized my material doesn't resonate with young people today. I'm in a topical depression.

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

Stowaway

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do depressed people and sex addicts have in common?

nuttin’ matters

After years of depression, hoping for the dark times to pass, God finally answered my prayers.

He said no.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pinocchio and Geppetto are sitting talking one day

Geppetto asks "what's the matter Pinocchio? You seem really depressed"

Pinocchio then replies " aw it's just me and my girlfriend are having problems with our sex life. Every time we try to have sex, she's always complaining about getting splinters and I really don't know what to do about it....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was living out his days in a nursing home.

One day the nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.

She asked, “Is there something wrong?”

“Yes nurse,” the old man replied, “my private part died today, and I am very sad.”

Knowing her patients were sometimes a little senile she replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, please accept my condole...

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's hel...

What does being depressed and being thirsty have in common?

Both can be temporarily solved by drinking.

Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil?

It gives them a huile d'olive

If an A.I robot is depressed, and keeps on seeing the glass half empty,

Is it electronegative?

Did you hear about the depressed hipster?

They found him in his garage, with a hose in his drivers side window, leading to the charging port of his Tesla.

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

Three patients with bipolar disorder are talking in a mental hospital.

The first, who's in a manic episode, starts talking about his quest to find God. The second, who's severely depressed, says they don't believe in God. The third, who's in a mixed episode, says, "that's ok, I don't believe in myself either."

What do you call a society of depressed people?

A melancholony.

What do depression and farts have in common?

They are both silent but deadly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What I learned from reddit so far is that one half of them are horny, another half of them are depressed

And the third half of them are really weak in maths.

Do you have seasonal depression?

Or are you just feeling a little under the weather?

Married couple after 20 years

The couple goes to a psychologist because after 20 years of marriage the man is depressed ...
Gets them a young and beautiful psychologist and when asked what his problem is, he pours out a long and detailed list of what he had to endure in his 20 years of marriage:
Lack of attention, lack o...

Why was the three-legged dog depressed?

Because he had a lack of pawpose.

Funny I hope

Call me 1934 cause I’m in the middle of a Great Depression

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door.

She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

“I'll be ready in a few minutes. Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and, if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.”
...

Why is Mrs Claus depressed?

Because Santa only comes once a year, and it's down the chimney.

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

Our bands bassist was always coming in late

He just couldn't get the timing right, so we kicked him out of the band. He got so depressed, he threw himself behind a bus.

Which came first? Having to do yard work or my drinking problem?

Trick question. It was my depression.

What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?

Pain au pain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i was excited when i was asked to participate in experiment about regular sex and its effects on mental health

being in control group definitely make me depressed

How are a sloth and a depressed person similar?

Both hang from trees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist recommended I try using CBT to help with depression

I still feel dead inside, but at least now my balls are too

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpo...

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"

"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

30 Times Left

A man is having problems with his penis, which had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is simply burned out. You only have 30 erections left."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is...

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The moth with depression

One evening physiotherapist is beginning to count down the minutes until he can close up his practice when his Secretary tells him that he has a walk in client, “well we are still open, so be it” says the physiotherapist “send them in!” The Secretary then gets kind of nervous and reveals that the cl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yankel the Jew is walking in town one day. He is walking by the stores, admiring all the storefronts and the products they offer.

Suddenly, he notices a peculiar sign on the window of a pet store: "Talking Parrot! Can have real conversations!"
He went inside and inquired about the parrot. As he was shown the parrot, the parrot squawks, "Hello, how are you! I'm rudolph!" In near perfect english and the parrot holds out his w...

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

Did you hear about the depressed painter?

He's very emulsional.

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

Every time I'm depressed, I walk into a cornfield...

I stand in the middle and talk about all of my problems. The cornfield is an excellent listener because it's all ears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

What do you call depression that runs in the family?

Blue genes!

Opposites

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"

A redneck in the back of the class stood up f...

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

How do you know a manic depressive girl loves you?

She hates you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Island need a Therapist?

Because it was in a tropical depression.

Ugly Patient

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bless my dad, he would've been celebrating his 70th birthday today.

If he wasn't such a depressing bastard.

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

People say you cant be sad in Hawaii, its a magical place

Apparently, they've never heard of a tropical depression.

I was feeling lethargic and apathetic so I took a vacation to the Bahamas. Still completely unmotivated, I just sat on the beach with a bottle of rum for hours and watched as a storm rolled in.

I was in a tropical depression.

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

What happened to the emo

A depressed emo high off shrooms was walking in the forest when he came across a tree with arms. He tried to give him a high-five but the tree left him hanging.

They've found a cure for depression!

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline

and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."

Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.

Why'd the can crusher quit his job?

It was *soda pressing*. (so-depressing)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

How did the cowboy know that his horse was depressed?

It was saddled with a long face.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Update on an Ironic Classic

A man goes to the doctor, says he's depressed, says life seems harsh, heartless and cruel. He's all alone in a threatening world, and what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him, that should pick you up." Man bur...

What fell to the floor first ... The depressed kid or a leaf???

The leaf cause the boy was left hanging

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

If you're down in the dumps and feeling really depressed, drink a gallon of water before going to bed.

It will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road?

To get to the other sigh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

I told my girl I love you.

She said I love U2. That was kind of depressing. She's talking about music at this vulnerable moment. So I broke up with her.

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

I know a guy who had a pet pig.

This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed(not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.

tld;dr: my friend'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a mortician....

He says it is depressing but the sex is great!

What do you call a emo kid on vacation?

A Tropical Depression

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man with one arm.

Once upon a time there was a man who had lost his arm in a car accident. Losing his arm made him lose his job and made him very sad . He looked for work everywhere but he was not able to find and this made him very depressed. He tried to take his life one day by jumping off a building. Looking down...

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

What's the difference between a street cat and a philosophy graduate?

One is sad to look at because it's depressing. The other is a cat.

I remember the first time I confessed to my dad that I have depression

I told my dad "Dad...I'm suicidal"

And he says "Hi, Suicidal, I'm Dad!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a depressed person view life?

There are sad days, and also Saturdays...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

An island man tells his doctor.

An island man tells his doctor ,"I don't know whats wrong I live on this beautiful island, yet I'm sad and lonely still!" The doctor replies,
"Well it seems you might have a bad case of Tropical depression"

Cyclops

Is the sound a depressed horse makes when it runs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

"Listen son, I don't really think ur depression jokes are appropriate"

"what jokes"

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.