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Depress Jokes

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented?

A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

Why was the 10 year-old medieval peasant depressed?

He was going through his midlife crisis.

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What does someone with depression and a necrophile have in common ?

They both feel like fucking corpses.

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A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

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A golfer looses one of his arms and is depressed.

He can no longer play golf and feels he has nothing to live for, so he decides to end it all.
He goes to the top of a building and is ready to jump when he sees a man with no arms bouncing around happily on the sidewalk below him.
Wondering how someone with one less arm than him could possibly...

Why are so many New Yorkers suffering from depression?

Because for them, the "light at the end of the tunnel" is New Jersey.

I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage

I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion

I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

I told my friend, “ I was really depressed after I broke all my fingers in a car accident a few months ago.”

He said, “How do you feel now?”

I said, “With my elbows, mostly.”

why did the Astronaut fall into depression?

because he wasn't happy in the closed 'space'

A depressed man went to the doctor

The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"

And the doctor said "Pay in advance."

I have a great joke about depression, wanna hear it?

*sigh* Who am I kidding?

You'll hate it anyways.

White girl : So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth : YES!!!

A horse walks into a bar.......

The bartender asks "hey, why the long face? Are you depressed?"


The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" and promptly disappears.


You see, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement "I think, therefore I am" and I could ha...

What is the difference between an economic recession and an economic depression?

One is when your neighbor loses their job, the other is when you also lose yours.

I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.

Now I can look back and laugh.

Ohio is stealing my life story

A series of train wrecks in an already depressed area

I was going to make a depressed joke

But my parents already did.

If you get seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed.

This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

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A depressed man walks into a bar.

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay", the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six...

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

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A Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

My wife was depressed so I bought her a trampoline to cheer her up

She's doing much better now but she still has her ups and downs.

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What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder

Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..

It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

Did you hear about the depressed light switch?

It couldn’t go on.

Having depression is like your girl having an only fans.

You might be cool with it but, you stay wondering who’s watching and what they think.

How do psychology majors get depression?

Like dude, just look at your notes.

what's the most depressing place to live in America?

Missouri

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

What do you call a society of depressed people?

A melancholony.

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

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The latest scientific study on polar bears was just published

The study noted that loss of habitat in the north pole has caused some bears to migrate to the south pole, and also a severe increase in the number of manic/depressive symptoms in the bears studied. Due to lowering numbers, many bears were expressing sexual behaviors towards other bears of both sex...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

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Bought my depressed mate a rabbit for his birthday and he was NOT happy.

He was like “Why the fuck did you buy me a rabbit? What the hell am I going to do with this?”

I was shocked. I was convinced it would cheer him up.

I replied. “Well, I know you can never truly replace old pets, but your girlfriend said you’d been down ever since you lost your hare”

One day Winnie asks Eeyore "We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?"

Eeyore: "Cause I have a nail in my @$$."

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Man goes to The Circus of Pagliacci

He doesn't laugh. At the end of the show Pagliacci ask him why he didn't laugh. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Pagliacci says, 'I think you should see a doctor.' Man bursts into tears....

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

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I just got done watching a show with unlikable characters, bullshit plot developments, and a depressing ending.

It's called "The News."

I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

What do you call a depressing tale about a discontinued car?

A Saab Story.

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Old 1930s depression era joke…

What is the difference between a single man, and a divorced man?


A single man is missing buttons on his shirt.
A divorced man has no shirt.




Another depression era joke:

Church Usher: “things are definitely improving for the congregation.”

Minister: “how...

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

What did the depressed extrovert say when he was invited out?

I’m always down

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse, a bit taken aback, replies, "I've just lost my best friend, a cowboy who took care of me and rode me for years. He died in a tragic accident on the ranch."

Feeling bad for the horse, the bartender offers ...

What do sloths and depressed people have in common?

Both hang from the tree

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For class today, I brought in a drug addict to show kids the adverse effects of drugs.

This man was a real mess. He would use coffee as a stimulant throughout the day, alcohol to alleviate his anxieties, sweets for his depression, TikTok to get dopamine hits, and shitty TV at night to mindlessly pacify him.

What medication does Putin take for his depression?

USSRIs

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

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what do depressed people and sex addicts have in common?

nuttin’ matters

Whoever Stole My Anti-Depression Medications

I Hope You're Happy!

Dreamworks has announced a new film exploring Hiccup's descent into depression and alcoholism after saying goodbye to Toothless.

It's called *How to Drain Your Flagon.*

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

It's irritating when students get ahead of themselves...

These days many college students assume that they're doing the job already. That's not how it works, you need to get the certification, or get the job.

Engineering students shouldn't call themselves engineers

Medical students shouldn't call themselves doctors

Law students shoul...

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I’ve been depressed, lately, because I’m in my thirties and don’t have a girlfriend

My friends have tried to be supportive.

My wife has been a real jerk about the whole thing.

Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tel...

What’s the best vegetable to eat if your depressed?

Desparagus

Why was the dolphin depressed?

His life had no porpoise.

After years of depression, hoping for the dark times to pass, God finally answered my prayers.

He said no.

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

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Therapist recommended I try using CBT to help with depression

I still feel dead inside, but at least now my balls are too

What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?

Pain au pain.

My friend was so depressed that he was always late for everything...

... that he threw himself behind a train.

If an A.I robot is depressed, and keeps on seeing the glass half empty,

Is it electronegative?

Do you have seasonal depression?

Or are you just feeling a little under the weather?

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Joe suffers from chronic headaches for a long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit.

Why was the three-legged dog depressed?

Because he had a lack of pawpose.

The Depressed Pessimist

The depressed pessimist: *"I don't think this day can get any worse..."*

 

The cheerful optimist: *"IT CAN!!"*

Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil?

It gives them a huile d'olive

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

How are a sloth and a depressed person similar?

Both hang from trees.

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

Why is Mrs Claus depressed?

Because Santa only comes once a year, and it's down the chimney.

Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?

'Cause it's all downhill from there.

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

As he's sitting at the bar enjoying his beverage, a tiny horse walks in and sits down next to him. The man is shocked and asks the bartender, "Is that a little horse?" The bartender nods and the man asks, "What's it doing here?"

The bartender replies, "It's a psychology experiment. We're tryi...

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

Did you hear about the depressed hipster?

They found him in his garage, with a hose in his drivers side window, leading to the charging port of his Tesla.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road?

To get to the other sigh.

Did you hear about the newspaper that caused a lot of injuries during the Great Depression?

People were falling on hard Times.

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

They've found a cure for depression!

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"

"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

What do you call depression that runs in the family?

Blue genes!

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

How did the cowboy know that his horse was depressed?

It was saddled with a long face.

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

What fell to the floor first ... The depressed kid or a leaf???

The leaf cause the boy was left hanging

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

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How does a depressed person view life?

There are sad days, and also Saturdays...

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

A depressed man tried to high five a tree

But it just left him hanging

A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline

and says, "I think I need help. I've been having suicidal thoughts."

Then he hears the representative on the other end, "Well, congratulations. You're hired."

I remember the first time I confessed to my dad that I have depression

I told my dad "Dad...I'm suicidal"

And he says "Hi, Suicidal, I'm Dad!"

How do you know a manic depressive girl loves you?

She hates you.

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

Depressed people should stop feeling that they are a burden for other people

that’s our job

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

Vladimir Putin visits a school...

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, why do you look so depressed?". The quiet kid thinks for ...

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

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One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

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