UPJOKE
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A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

I ate some alphabet soup and some laxatives for lunch

I'm about to have a vowel movement

I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

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I put laxatives in my bosses coffee

He's going to shit himself when he finds out.

I was horrified when I read about how coffee can act as a laxative

It keeps me up at night.

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what does a laxative and a wife have in common?

They irritate the shit out of you

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I made pot brownies with laxatives…

You know, for shits and giggles.

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I'm thinking of starting a business with focus on laxatives.

It just gets shit done.

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

I think I’m allergic to laxatives

Every time I try them I get diarrhea

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What does a therapist and a laxative have in common?

They both help you get that shit out of your system.

What do you get when you mix Vodka with laxatives?

A Russian tanker in Ukraine.

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Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

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Then there was the guy who moxed his viagra with his laxatives

He couldn't tell if he was coming or going!

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A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives

Man: Box of laxatives please

Chemist: Sorry I'm out of stock

Man: What, again? But I'm desperate

Chemist: Well that's tough shit I'm afraid

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

What do you call a lube that doubles as a laxative?

Easy Come, Easy Go

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

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I swear, there is only one laxative left!

I shit, you not.

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A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

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Why did I down a whole bottle of laxatives at a comedy show last night?

For shits and giggles

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I once read a laxative horror story...

It scared the shit out of me.

How do pharmaceutical companies evaluate the effectiveness of a laxative?

By measuring its defficacy

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A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.

His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'

'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'

'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too...

What do you call a going out of business sale for a laxative store?

Liquidation.

Apple came out with a new laxative.

They're calling it the iBM.

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I think Taco Bell was the tastiest laxative I've ever had.

I shit you not.

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

The pharmacist said they only have the generic version of my laxative medication.

I said "I guess I'll have to make doo with that".

A woman can’t stop coughing and decides to see a doctor

After examining her, the doctor gives her a pill to swallow.

“What was that?”, she asks.

“A very powerful laxative…*now* try coughing!”

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I've been experimenting with THC and Laxatives

For shits n' giggles

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An Indian walks into a pharmacy.

He goes up to the pharmacist and says "Big Chief, no poop!".
The pharmacist gives him a laxative and tells him "Take this to your chief, this should take care of his problem".
The next day the same Indian walks into the pharmacy with an angry look on his face, and says "Big Chief, no poop!!". ...

Scientists have a new theory on how the first laxative was discovered.

It was an accident.

I just learned the hard way not to trust a fart while on laxatives...

...well, actually it was the soft way.

Did you hear about the man who accidentally took laxatives instead of his antidepressants?

He felt empty inside

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I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

I asked for the cheapest contraceptive.

They gave me a laxative.

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[NSFW] I had sex after taking laxatives the other day...

Fuck that shit, definitely never doing it again

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My friend said he likes smoking marijuana, though he might give it up because of its laxative effect.

I told him he either needs to shit or get off the pot.

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Men who take both Viagra and laxatives

don't know whether they'll be coming or going.

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FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

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"So, Watson, I heard you were constipated. What were the results of the laxative you took?"

"No shit, Sherlock"

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I asked my pharmacist for the strongest laxative he had.

Pharmacist: Are you really constipated?

Me: I broke up with my girlfriend and miss how she irritated the shit out of me!

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I bought some laxatives the other day.

The other day I went down to the store to buy some laxatives. When I brought them to the counter the cashier said "having some problems?" To which I replied "yeah, no shit".

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

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What laxative did the constipated man ask for?

Poop-ease

I’m going to invent a super laxative for the military.

I think I’ll call it Dishonorable Discharge.

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What’s the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker who’s addicted to laxatives?

One shucks between fits and one fucks between shits.

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We decided to organize an intervention for our friend, who is addicted to taking laxatives.

I said, “This shit needs to stop.”

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I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

You know what they say about German laxatives

They bring out the wurst in you

What do a good competitor and a laxative have in common?

Both give you a run for your money.

Why do laxatives have a best before date?



If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?.

Why is a fruit tree like a laxative?

They both make a mango!

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Why did the redditor mix a bottle of laxatives with nitrous oxide?

The same reason he did everything else: for shits and giggles.

Pharmacy

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what? s up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once. " "...

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What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

Expellianus.

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A thief stole a bottle of laxatives, mistaking them for perscription painkillers.

After he found out, he nearly shit himself.

This laxative I just bought is really effective.

It's really giving me a run for my money.

Why do politicians take laxatives?

So they can speak more fluently

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What happens if you mix up viagra and laxatives?

It makes you crap in bed.

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I informed the party attendants that someone put laxatives in all the food and drink.

Everyone lost their shit.

I tried this new laxative with goose feathers

But now I'm feeling down in the dumps.

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My friends dared me to take Viagra and a laxative at the same time.

So I went and sat on the toilet and I couldn't tell if I was cumming or going.

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Why shouldn't you give a meth addict laxatives?

because it's already hard enough for them to keep their shit together.

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People ask me all the time why I like putting laxatives in my pot brownies...

... I don't really know. I guess I'm just in it for the shits and gigs.

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I was at a party the other day where everyone was getting high on laxatives and almonds

Shit got nuts real quick

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Getting old sucks

A 60 year old, a 70 year old man and an 80 year old man are arguing about age, the 60 year old goes "man being 60 sucks, I chug water all day long, but I can't take a decent piss when I stand at the toilet no matter how hard I try." The 70 year man says "that's nothing, I eat Laxatives by the hand...

Why was the watchman prescribed laxatives?

To help him pass the time.

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A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

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What’s the shitiest drug to overdose on?

Laxatives

A pharmacist walks back into his shop after taking a break.

He finds a man leaning against a wall and asks his assistant “What’s wrong with him?”

“He came in for some cough syrup”, explains the assistant, “but I couldn’t find any so I gave him laxatives instead.”

“What!” exclaims the pharmacist, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxative...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

What do you get....

When you combine a laxative and alphabet soup?

'Letter Rip'

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Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"

"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"

"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"...

The Ultimate Cure

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch to the pharmacy.

As he approaches, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What...

A chemist walks into his pharmacy

A chemist walks into his pharmacy and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach. He asks his assistant what happened. "the man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says. "you can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemi...

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My Halloween joke

A young man in the hospital is smitten with his night nurse, She feels good about him too.
The pain meds he’s on have constipated him and neither want to discuss it. She decides to slip him a laxative to “help” .Just before she’s going to arrive for a visit, he has an accident in the bed, there’...

A pharmacist arrived to his drugstore when he see a man on the ground moaning lightly.

So the pharmacist goes in his store and ask his assistant if she took care of the guy outside. She explains him that he had a bad cough but there was no more cough mixture.
Pharmacist: What did you tell him?
Assistant: I gave him a bottle of laxative and tell him it was cough mixture and he dr...

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

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My kidnappers enjoyed torturing me

It was days before one of them allowed me to finally drink any water. When he gave me the jug of discolored water, the grin on his face had me terrified to drink it, and I instantly imagined it was full of poison. But I couldn't help myself; I was too thirsty. I drank it all.

Still I couldn't...

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

If you're bored, I've got some advice on how you can make the time pass faster.

Just take some laxatives after swallowing your watch.

After a check-up routine in the quarantine facility one morning,

a doctor notices one of the patients unusually calm and calls the nurse in charge.

Doctor: "That patient in the corner is recovering now, isn't he?"

Nurse: "Why do you say so doc? His temperature isn't that encouraging."

Doctor: "He is neither coughing nor sneezing anymore."
...

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A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does anot...

There are 5 places in my house that haven't been cleaned out in years.

I'd better go to the pharmacy and get some laxatives.

A chemist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.
...

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

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