I've combined alphabet soup and a laxative.

I call it "letter rip"

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

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I made spacecake with laxatives for my birthday.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

What do a good competitor and a laxative have in common?

Both give you a run for your money.

Why do laxatives have a best before date?



If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

Scientists have a new theory on how the first laxative was discovered.

It was an accident.

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I once added laxative and methylenedioxymethamphetamine to my coffee...

Just for shits and giggles.

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What’s the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker who’s addicted to laxatives?

One shucks between fits and one fucks between shits.

You know what they say about German laxatives

They bring out the wurst in you

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I put laxatives in my bosses coffee

He's going to shit himself when he finds out.

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A thief stole a bottle of laxatives, mistaking them for perscription painkillers.

After he found out, he nearly shit himself.

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What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

Expellianus.

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

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I asked my pharmacist for the strongest laxative he had.

Pharmacist: Are you really constipated?

Me: I broke up with my girlfriend and miss how she irritated the shit out of me!

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A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

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I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

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I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies...

Just for shits and giggles!

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I informed the party attendants that someone put laxatives in all the food and drink.

Everyone lost their shit.

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Why did the redditor mix a bottle of laxatives with nitrous oxide?

The same reason he did everything else: for shits and giggles.

I’m going to invent a super laxative for the military.

I think I’ll call it Dishonorable Discharge.

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What happens if you mix up viagra and laxatives?

It makes you crap in bed.

Why do politicians take laxatives?

So they can speak more fluently

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How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

Why was the watchman prescribed laxatives?

To help him pass the time.

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Did you hear about the guy who mixed viagras and laxatives?

He didn't know if he was coming or going

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What laxative did the constipated man ask for?

Poop-ease

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

Why is a fruit tree like a laxative?

They both make a mango!

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An old man went to a store to buy laxative...

He ask the clerk:"How strong is the effect of this laxative?"

Th clerk says:"There is a public toilet 50 steps away from this store, if you take the laxative now, exits the store and run straight there, as you sit down on a toilet your poops will be pouring out."

The old man seem satis...

This laxative I just bought is really effective.

It's really giving me a run for my money.

A chemist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.
...

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Why shouldn't you give a meth addict laxatives?

because it's already hard enough for them to keep their shit together.

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My friends dared me to take Viagra and a laxative at the same time.

So I went and sat on the toilet and I couldn't tell if I was cumming or going.

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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The cheif of a tribe becomes constipated

He askes one of his tribesmen to go to the white doctor in a nearby city and get medicine. The tribesman does so. He reaches the doctor and says 'Big chief no shit'

The doctor understands and gives him some laxative. However, the next day the tribesman comes back and says 'Big chief still no ...

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I was at a party the other day where everyone was getting high on laxatives and almonds

Shit got nuts real quick

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”.
“What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assist...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...



The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives...

Big Chief problems

A proud Indian chief walks in the doctors office with his wife.
She says ‘big chief, no fart!’
The doctor understands the problem immediately and prescribes a laxative and to return in 3 days.
3 days later, the chief and his wife walk back in, the chief looking visibly uncomfortable,
...

A man was coughing all day long and decided to go and see a doctor

So the man arrives at the doctor and explains the problem.

The doctor accidentally gave him laxative instead of coughing syrup but the man already left.

So a couple days later the man comes back for chek-up and the doctor asks: " alright, are you still coughing?"

The man replies...

A chemist walks into his pharmacy

A chemist walks into his pharmacy and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach. He asks his assistant what happened. "the man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says. "you can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemi...

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Three old man are complaining about their age

The first old man grumbles "it sucks being 70, I can't take a piss because of my bladder issues, it never seems to want to come out unless I take my pills"


The second old man scoffs and goes "nah nah, 80 is where it gets real bad. My bowels are so bad, I can't shit without prunes and laxa...

My favourite Yo Mama joke:

Yo mama's so ugly!


They put her face on the cover of a strong laxative; the box is empty, and it is still the leading brand according to most doctors!

Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.

Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

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Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"

"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"

"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"...

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Brilliant One-liners

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive....

I'm prepping for a colonoscapy

Jello and laxatives. My wife says it's the first time I haven't been full of sh-t

TEXTING for over 70s,The kids have all their little SMS codes, like BFF, WTF, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the more mature...

ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? ...

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A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does anot...

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Prolax is a new antidepressant...

It's half prozac and half laxatives.

So that you can't help but give a shit.

LifeProTip: If you have a bad cough.

Take a large dose of laxatives... then you'll be too scared to cough.

The Purge...

My brother said he would be able to survive "The Purge" if it were real. I put a few laxatives in his coffee we'll see about that...

Problems Of Old Men

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, 'The best
 thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee.
 I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts.
 I have to go over and over again.' 
 The 85 year-old said, 'The best thin...

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The last joke my grandma told me

Note: My grandmother used to call me up once a week and tell me the latest joke that she had picked up from who knows where. She passed away earlier this year and I cannot begin to say how much I miss her jokes. This one was the last one that she ever told me. It wasn't the funniest by itself bu...

The Miracle Doctor

There is a tale of The Miracle Doctor who can cure any disease. One day, a man developed an extremely rare disease, which caused him to have severe coughing fits. Everyone told him there was no cure, and then he heard of this Doctor and went to seek his help

Upon entering The Doctors house, ...

How does a Trumpie become a smooth talker?

Takes a laxative.

My favorite nursery rhyme.

Mary had a little watch,

she swallowed it one day.

Then Mary took a laxative

to pass the time away.

Well, time went on and time went on,

and time still wouldn't pass.

So, if you want to know what time it is,

just look up Mary's ^brother ^in ^Omaha. ^H...

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Confussedcius Say Compilation

Confussedcius Say man who make mistake in elevator is wrong on many levels

Confussedcius Say man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time

build man a fire warm for rest of his day, set man on fire is warm for rest of his life

Confussedcius Say man is like spider, bound...

A Pharmacist goes out for lunch

A pharmacist goes out for lunch and leaves his assistant to tend the customers. An hour passes and he returns and sees a man sitting awkwardly. He asks his assistant about the man and his assistant told him the man came in with a bad cough and that he had given him a powerful laxative. The pharmacis...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!

 

 

 

 

 

                        1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

 

 

                        2 TO ...

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Big Chief...

There was this Chief somewhere in a tribe and he was constipated.

After the 1st day, he sent a runner to go get his personal medicine man. The medicine man asked the runner what the problems was. The runner says *"Big CHIEF, NO Shit"*.

So he sent the Chief some local laxatives and told...

I have invented a new game.

You lock yourself and 9 other friends in a house that has 2 bathrooms. You all then take a load of laxative and fight over the toilets.
I call it 'Game Of Thrones'

Cough medicine.

A pharmacist is about to take a lunch break and he says to his assistant, "I'll be back in an hour, keep an eye on things".
Upon his return, he notices a man outside the pharmacy, standing against the wall, clutching his abdomen, obviously in some pretty serious discomfort.
He continues in...

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The Constipated Detective

A detective walks into a pharmacy - he’s walking around for a bit and looks a little embarrassed. The pharmacist sees this and goes over and asks him if he needs help with anything. The detective tells him “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I’m constipated and it’s been a few days - I think I nee...

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