The 88+ Best Laxative Jokes

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

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I put laxatives in my bosses coffee

He's going to shit himself when he finds out.

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I made pot brownies with laxatives…

You know, for shits and giggles.

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

I was horrified when I read about how coffee can act as a laxative

It keeps me up at night.

I ate some alphabet soup and some laxatives for lunch

I'm about to have a vowel movement

I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

What do you get when you mix alphabet soup and laxatives?

Letter rip!

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Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time

For shits and giggles.

What did the cliffhanger say when he took a laxative?

"Can't...hold...on...much...longer!"

Have you heard about the new braille laxative?

It's touch and go.

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A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

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What did the guy with anger issues say when he got his prescription for a laxative?

“If take this I’d lose my shit!”

I'm going to give you a massive dose of laxative.

Patient: Doctor, I've been coughing for a month now, and nothing you've done has helped.

Doctor: I'm going to give you a massive dose of laxative.

Patient: That will cure my cough?

Doctor: Put it this way, you won't dare to.

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What does a therapist and a laxative have in common?

They both help you get that shit out of your system.

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I'm thinking of starting a business with focus on laxatives.

It just gets shit done.

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A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives

Man: Box of laxatives please

Chemist: Sorry I'm out of stock

Man: What, again? But I'm desperate

Chemist: Well that's tough shit I'm afraid

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what does a laxative and a wife have in common?

They irritate the shit out of you

What do you call a lube that doubles as a laxative?

Easy Come, Easy Go

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Then there was the guy who moxed his viagra with his laxatives

He couldn't tell if he was coming or going!

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

What do you call a going out of business sale for a laxative store?

Liquidation.

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I think Taco Bell was the tastiest laxative I've ever had.

I shit you not.

What do you get when you mix Vodka with laxatives?

A Russian tanker in Ukraine.

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Why did I down a whole bottle of laxatives at a comedy show last night?

For shits and giggles

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I once read a laxative horror story...

It scared the shit out of me.

How do pharmaceutical companies evaluate the effectiveness of a laxative?

By measuring its defficacy

The pharmacist said they only have the generic version of my laxative medication.

I said "I guess I'll have to make doo with that".

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I've been experimenting with THC and Laxatives

For shits n' giggles

Apple came out with a new laxative.

They're calling it the iBM.

Scientists have a new theory on how the first laxative was discovered.

It was an accident.

Did you hear about the man who accidentally took laxatives instead of his antidepressants?

He felt empty inside

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

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Why did the redditor mix a bottle of laxatives with nitrous oxide?

The same reason he did everything else: for shits and giggles.

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I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

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The fuckers stole my laxatives

can’t shit in Detroit

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[NSFW] I had sex after taking laxatives the other day...

Fuck that shit, definitely never doing it again

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My friend said he likes smoking marijuana, though he might give it up because of its laxative effect.

I told him he either needs to shit or get off the pot.

I just learned the hard way not to trust a fart while on laxatives...

...well, actually it was the soft way.

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Men who take both Viagra and laxatives

don't know whether they'll be coming or going.

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FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

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"So, Watson, I heard you were constipated. What were the results of the laxative you took?"

"No shit, Sherlock"

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I bought some laxatives the other day.

The other day I went down to the store to buy some laxatives. When I brought them to the counter the cashier said "having some problems?" To which I replied "yeah, no shit".

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We decided to organize an intervention for our friend, who is addicted to taking laxatives.

I said, “This shit needs to stop.”

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What’s the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker who’s addicted to laxatives?

One shucks between fits and one fucks between shits.

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I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.

I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought.

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What happens if you mix up viagra and laxatives?

It makes you crap in bed.

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A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

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I asked my pharmacist for the strongest laxative he had.

Pharmacist: Are you really constipated?

Me: I broke up with my girlfriend and miss how she irritated the shit out of me!

What do a good competitor and a laxative have in common?

Both give you a run for your money.

Why do laxatives have a best before date?

If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?.

I’m going to invent a super laxative for the military.

I think I’ll call it Dishonorable Discharge.

Why is a fruit tree like a laxative?

They both make a mango!

My danish friend pranked me by giving me laxative cookies

I never thought he'd stroop so low

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A thief stole a bottle of laxatives, mistaking them for perscription painkillers.

After he found out, he nearly shit himself.

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I informed the party attendants that someone put laxatives in all the food and drink.

Everyone lost their shit.

Why do politicians take laxatives?

So they can speak more fluently

You know what they say about German laxatives

They bring out the wurst in you

A chemist walks into the store he owns...

and he sees a man, leaning up against a wall near the counter.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.

"He needed a bottle of cough syrup," explains the assistant, "but I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead."

"WHAT?" bellows ...

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What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

Expellianus.

This laxative I just bought is really effective.

It's really giving me a run for my money.

I tried this new laxative with goose feathers

But now I'm feeling down in the dumps.

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My friends dared me to take Viagra and a laxative at the same time.

So I went and sat on the toilet and I couldn't tell if I was cumming or going.

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Why shouldn't you give a meth addict laxatives?

because it's already hard enough for them to keep their shit together.

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

Why was the watchman prescribed laxatives?

To help him pass the time.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
...

The pharmacist took an extended lunch break without telling his assistant.

When he was gone, a man with severe cough came in for a consultation and was informed that the pharmacist was out to lunch, and the assistant wasn't sure when he was coming back.

The man begged the assistant for help since he was so miserable, and the assistant had to think quick.

An...

Bill was a clerk in a small drugstore,

...........but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Dave, the owner, had had about enough and warned Bill that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked Bill for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, Bill coul...

I asked for the cheapest contraceptive.

They gave me a laxative.

A woman can’t stop coughing and decides to see a doctor

After examining her, the doctor gives her a pill to swallow.

“What was that?”, she asks.

“A very powerful laxative…*now* try coughing!”

A chemist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.
...

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A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

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Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"

"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"

"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"...

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
“What’s wrong with this man?” The pharmacist asks his assistant.
“He has a terrible cough!” The assistant replied. “And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.”

The customer gives a soft gr...

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A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does anot...

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Getting old sucks

A 60 year old, a 70 year old man and an 80 year old man are arguing about age, the 60 year old goes "man being 60 sucks, I chug water all day long, but I can't take a decent piss when I stand at the toilet no matter how hard I try." The 70 year man says "that's nothing, I eat Laxatives by the hand...

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What’s the shitiest drug to overdose on?

Laxatives

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

A chemist walks into his pharmacy

A chemist walks into his pharmacy and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach. He asks his assistant what happened. "the man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says. "you can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemi...

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

The Ultimate Cure

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch to the pharmacy.

As he approaches, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What...

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

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My Halloween joke

A young man in the hospital is smitten with his night nurse, She feels good about him too.
The pain meds he’s on have constipated him and neither want to discuss it. She decides to slip him a laxative to “help” .Just before she’s going to arrive for a visit, he has an accident in the bed, there’...

What do you get....

When you combine a laxative and alphabet soup?

'Letter Rip'

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

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