My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

I believe the children are our future

and they should be praised and nurtured because they are the bus drivers and cabbies of tomorrow, and I drink a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will you ever love another girl?

A girl asks her boyfriend, "do you promise to always love me and never another girl?"

The guy responds, "sorry, but I can't do that."

Girl: "W-what? So you're thinking about someone else! Who this fuck is this other woman?!"

Guy: "She looks exactly like you, but younger"

...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

A few jokes...

1. Why do dogs wag their tails? Because no one else will do it for them.
2. A zombie got a new girlfriend. He introduces her to his friend, who says: "Wow, she's a hottie. Where did you dig her up?"
3. Image living in an ice globe city. The weather reports would be interesting: "Chance of an ...

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

Obama, Oprah, Trump and a little girl are on a plane. The engines fail...

... the pilots have already parachuted out the plane. The four mentioned are the only ones remaining on the plane. But there are only three parachutes.

Oprah quickly steps forward and says to the little girl; "I'm taking a parachute. I'll build a school for girls in your honour, it'll benefi...

A woman introduces her boyfriend to her parents.

A woman has her boyfriend meet her parents.

The father of the woman and the boyfriend then have a discussion at a Catholic Bible Study:

Father: “What do you do for a living?”

Boyfriend: “I am a Biblical Scholar.”

Father: “A Biblical scholar, huh? How will you provide for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and says “a round on me, I’m getting married”

“I had to make a difficult decision between 3 women”
The bartender asks “oh yeah, how so?”
“Well,” says the man “I had 3 potential brides so I decided to do an experiment. I gave each woman $1000 to see what they would do with it.”

The man goes on “the first was Lucy. She spent the mone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

POLITICS! How does that work?

One morning the whole family were having breakfast in the kitchen and little Timmy goes to his dad who was watching the morning news on T.V. And asks: Dad? I don't get all this politics stuff... can you explain it to me?

The dad completely taken by surprise by the question answer the followin...

A barber is telling his customer about the stupidest kid he knows..

He tells him, "I tell everyone about this kid and what a moron he is. Every time he comes by I offer him two quarters OR a single dollar bill. He takes the quarters every time...never learns."

Right as they're talking the kid walks by the window. The barber knocks and waves him in. The kid w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a Doctor, a lawyer, and a priest on a sinking cruise ship

The doctor says,"We have to find all the children and get them off this boat safely, after all... Children are our future." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the children," to which the priest says, "Do we have time??"

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