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Reassuring Jokes

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would b...

Why is a broken elevator reassuring?

It will never let you down.

What can you say that’s reassuring for a child getting a vaccine, but disappointing for your wife?

“You’re just going to feel a tiny prick; it’ll be over in a few seconds.”

Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her…

Dishes not the time to panic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is alwa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks up to his friend looking sad.

“Somebody stole my thesaurus!” He groans.
“And my dictionary to boot!”

His friend put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gives him a soft smile.

“How sorrowful my dear companion that such a lamentable circumstance has befallen you. I will pray that the perpetrator be swiftly a...

I told my wife that a girl at work really wanted to have a threesome and that I should see if my wife would be ok with it? After some persuading, and reassuring her that it would strengthen out relationship she said yes, so today we finally did it, and it was amazing!

I cant wait to tell her all about it when she gets home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached d...

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss ...

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife ran into the house...

"Guess what!" she said, "I got a new job down the street on the corner.''

''What!'' I replied, ''It better not be what I think it is!...You'll bring shame on the family!.. What will the neighbours say?"

''No, no, stop worrying'' she said reassuring me, ''Not in the Tescos!..... I'm gon...

Can I talk to my son?

A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!

So i went to have a prostate exam the other day

The doctor told me to take my underwear and trousers off, but i had a Complete mindblank moment and said "Where should i put them?"

He looked at me with reassuring eyes and replied "Just pop them next to mine".

I wish all doctors were this considerate.

There was once a cyclops living in a cave on an island ...

The cyclops loved himself a good meal of human meat. He ate many a people.

Once, a young man came to the island to kill the cyclops. The cyclops had, to say the least, a lot of trouble killing the young fellow.

At one point the cyclops asked, in his rage: Who are you?

The man re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese couple get married

The young bride is a virgin and on the wedding night cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. " My darling, I know this is your first time and you are frightened ... I promise you, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"
...

A man is about to have surgery...

The surgeon says : Don't worry I've done this operation hundreds of times.

The man responds: That's sounds reassuring.

The surgeon then says: Yeah, I have to succeed someday.

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," s...

Waking groggily, I remembered flying off my motorbike...

The smell and sounds quickly made me realise that I was in a hospital, but something wasn't right.

I reached down to feel my legs, but sat up and screamed as I felt nothing!

It was only then that I noticed the doctor standing by the end of my bed who raised his eyebrows in surprise and...

A woman pregnant with twins goes into labor unexpectedly.

Her brother drove her to the hospital, since her husband was away on business. It was a very risky delivery, and the doctors had to put her under during the procedure.

The woman woke up and immediately asked, "Are my babies okay?"

The nurse on call said reassuringly, "Oh yes, your chi...

A man comes home drunk from the bar and realizes he doesn't have his house key

So he knocks on the door and his wife answers. She looks him up and down and exclaims, "Drunk again!"

"Don't worry, Honey," he says reassuringly, "I am, too."

A man dies and goes to Rock N' Roll Heaven..( semi-long)

Upon arrival he is immersed immediately in all the sights and sounds of everything from classic rock to modern anything you would want to listen to, experience and see in person LIVE that you may of missed during your life on Earth.

He looks over and sees Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Randy Rhodes,...

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

Sicilian reasoning

One lovely summer an italian couple go on holiday to Sicily with their two kids. They park their car close to the seaside, unload their swimsuits, towels and buckets and happily walk to the beach. As they sit down on the sand, Giorgio (dad) suddenly remembers that he left his sunglasses in the car...

An Old One That I Forget Where It Came From

Let me tell you a story about Dave. Dave was a very successful man in the field of Medicine. He had his own office. He had a cute receptionist. He had plenty of patients who loved him and everything was going his way.

But Dave had a secret that he was terrified of. You see, Dave recently ent...

A wife asked her husband “If anything were to happen to you, would you be mad if I got remarried?”

He said “No.”, but after a while he really started thinking about it. He approached her that night and explained to her “Honey, I know I said I wouldn’t be mad, but I just can’t handle the thought of another man sitting in my recliner, driving my truck, shooting my guns and my bow—“ she reassuringly...

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