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What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common?

They both pull out of Roslyn at 10:45

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A Long Island duck

A lady is shopping at a local butcher shop. When her number is called, she tells the butcher "Give me a Long Island Duck"

So the butcher goes into the cooler and comes out w/ a duck, he plops it on the scale and the lady says "Let me see that duck"

So the butcher hands it to her over t...

Why do Long Islander's have the lowest suicide rate in the US?

Jersey is the light at the end of the tunnel.

A velociraptor on long island...

I made this up the other day. I don't have high hopes but what the hell:

One day a velociraptor moved to Long Island. He was sick of life in the jungle and decided to try new things. Walking down the street one day, the velociraptor noticed a 'Help Wanted' sign resting on a diner window. Thi...

I invented a drink today called β€˜the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.

It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

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So there's this guy, let's call him Paul Yankee.

So Paul Yankee had been dating this girl Wendy Norris for a few years, so he finally proposed and she said yes.

Fast forward to the wedding and they are the happiest people to ever exist. Mr Paul Yankee and Mrs Wendy Yankee decided to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. As a surprise for his ...

Coinkidink does not imply causalidink

That's all I've got, but 2 long island iced teas me thinks that is deeply, utterly hilarious. Back me up..?

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A mercurial rocker hands out backstage passes...

A mercurial rocker of a popular band was known to give out many backstage passes. Now this happens all the time in the music industry; however this rocker always handed out the same pass to many women, and never changed it. The pass was for Tulsa OK, and he'd give out the large TULSA backstage pas...

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So, this guy starts a new job

and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell ...

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Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

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Joe walks into a bar ...

One afternoon Joe walked into a bar he had never been in before. The bartender asked him "What will it be?". Joe said "Long Island, please." While Joe was waiting for his drink he spotted a giant glass jar full of money on display behind the bar. When the bartender brought him his drink Joe asked...

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A couple Americans walk into a bar in Ireland...

They're being loud and rowdy, real frat-boy types, and they're starting to get on everyone's nerves. After a while they go up to the bar and yell for the bartender.

"Hey bartender, gimme an Irish Car Bomb!" one says.

Now, you can probably guess it's a bit of a faux pas to order this mi...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sandy...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sandy..I says to him, what the fuck is a Sandy?

He says its a watered down Long Island.

Too soon?

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Old enough to serve, not old enough to be served: the Army and Alcohol

There was a thread a while back where a pun thread took off; it was about the moral hypocrisy of being allowed to put your life at risk fighting in war, while simultaneously not being allowed to drink alcohol.

While I detest most pun threads, this one seemed entertaining to me for some reason...

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