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Modestly Jokes

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Men born with large balls should do their best to behave modestly

Otherwise people will think they’re egotesticle

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you sta...

Two professors were at an award ceremony.

An interviewer approached them.
"Sorry to ask but everyone has been wondering, which one of you is cleverer?"

The first professor smiled modestly.
"I don't want to boast. But i also don't want to be dishonest...."

The second professor interrupted

"And yet you've managed to...

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Newby Salesperson (Long joke)

NOTE: My husband thinks this joke is sexist, but I think it's hilarious.

A young man desperately needed a good paying job, so he applied as a salesperson for a large, everything-under-one-roof store.

The manager, seeing how young the man was, was doubtful he could sell anything, but th...

There was a jungle tribe of people who lived entirely off the land...

They hunted and foraged, and built structures with wildgrasses and leaves. Most of the tribe was kind and giving, except for the one greedy old coot. He did not live modestly: full feasts when others were hungry, 2-story hut when the rest were 1, and the rarest dyes on all of his clothes. This old c...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

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An Irishman walked into a bar.

He saw a few guys sitting round a table. One of them was holding a pint. He gulped down half the cup, then spluttered and coughed it up.
The other guys laughed. "You lose!"

The Irishman approached the table and picked up the glass. "I'll show you how we do this in Ireland. Start the timer!...

Generous Scottish Woman

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard. He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complain...

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Dave was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, who was a recent medical graduate.

The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass."


"What???" said Dave. The Doctor repeated patiently, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to ...

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A man goes to see his priest.

"Father I'm getting audited by the IRS and I don't know what to do. My accountant tells me to dress modestly but my lawyer tells me to dress to the nines and wear my most expensive watch to show I'm not afraid. "

"Son, this reminds me of a girl that her mother told her to dress in a gown tha...

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Woodcutting contest

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.


The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you...

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COFFEE MORNING IN ST. PETER'S SQUARE

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'....

The story of the annual football game played between the big and small animals.

At their annual football game, the big animals are really trouncing the little animals with a tremendous offensive game. At half time the score is 33 to 0, and it’s only with considerable effort that the little animals manage to stop the opposition’s kickoff return on the twenty-two yard line.
<...

There are three kingdoms, one on each side of a roughly triangular lake...

One of the kingdoms is marvelous, almost every house build lavishly, the royal castle made of gold, protected by an army of shining, masterful knights. This gold kingdom is the most wealthy of the three.

One of the kingdoms is modestly wealthy, each house built to last and the castle a beauti...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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