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Milton Jokes

Why could John Milton not play Yahtzee?

Pair of dice lost.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

Me and my buddy Milton Spilk used to work in a kitchen, chopping up vegetables.

You have to be careful or you can cut yourself. Old Milt had an accident and got cut up pretty bad.

I felt bad about it, but eventually I decided...

Why cry over Milt Spilk?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a judge…

…I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for thos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong ! -Milton Berle

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong !
-Milton Berle

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered...

Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed read...

I do whatever I can to fight poverty

So the other day, I punched a tramp

(Courtesy of Milton Jones)

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked. "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became impotent and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked anxiously. "Don't worry, darling, I'll alwa...

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Courtesy of Milton Jones, more jokes of his here. Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Milton%20Jones#ixzz3DeZDequD

My friend and I recently watched the Star Wars films back to back in preparation for The Last Jedi...

unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.

Creds: The one liner king Milton Jones

I was sitting in the park today watching this sweet little old lady feed the birds

Then I thought: "I wonder how long she's been dead?"

Milton Jones.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet..

You can hide, but you can't run.

^Credit ^to ^Milton ^Jones.

A lot of people think that firefighters are overpaid, but recently a pole was taken...

...and they all fell through a hole in the floor.

-Milton Jones

I lost my job as an architect after my first day

Apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.

Credit: comedian Milton Jones, king of the one-liners.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number ...

She looked great going down the stairs.

Source: Milton Jones

My grandfather was terminally ill...

The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.

But after that he just went downhill very quickly.


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Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones

When i was young, i used to come home from school,

I would open the front door and get hit in the face by eggs and bacon, as i passed frontroom door pizza would fly out at me, go to the bathroom and scrambled egg on toast would fly from the closet, we literally did not know where the next meal was coming from!

-I believe i ...

Some people just don't understand evolution.

I was talking to an Australian the other day who actually thought *he* came from Darwin!

All credit to Milton Jones for that one.

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

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