This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

Got fired from the Milton Bradley factory just for working overtime...

They said I made too much Trouble.

Three sons left home, went out into the business world and all prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how much Mom enjoys reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the enti...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

I do whatever I can to fight poverty

So the other day, I punched a tramp

(Courtesy of Milton Jones)

My friend and I recently watched the Star Wars films back to back in preparation for The Last Jedi...

unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.

Creds: The one liner king Milton Jones

I was sitting in the park today watching this sweet little old lady feed the birds

Then I thought: "I wonder how long she's been dead?"

Milton Jones.

There are 9 circles of Hell.

And if you think that's bad, there are 130 roundabouts of Milton Keynes.

My grandfather was terminally ill...

The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.

But after that he just went downhill very quickly.


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Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones

A lot of people think that firefighters are overpaid, but recently a pole was taken...

...and they all fell through a hole in the floor.

-Milton Jones

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet..

You can hide, but you can't run.

^Credit ^to ^Milton ^Jones.

I lost my job as an architect after my first day

Apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.

Credit: comedian Milton Jones, king of the one-liners.

I went to see a fortune teller when I was in Vietnam...

...but she was on fire. She was a napalm reader.

I believe this is a Milton Jones joke.

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Courtesy of Milton Jones, more jokes of his here. Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Milton%20Jones#ixzz3DeZDequD

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked. "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became impotent and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked anxiously. "Don't worry, darling, I'll alwa...

Some people just don't understand evolution.

I was talking to an Australian the other day who actually thought *he* came from Darwin!

All credit to Milton Jones for that one.

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