A cop pulls over a car swerving all over the road

After the cop tells the driver why he stopped him and asks for his license and registration, he notices an open, half-empty bottle sitting on the floor.

Cop: “Sir, what is that bottle between your feet?”

Driver (burping): “Uh, it’s a bottle of water officer.”

Cop: “I can see...

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A man gets pulled over for swerving

Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

*"I have no clue". The man replied.*

"Have you been drinking, sir?"

*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*

"Then what is that in your cup holder?"

"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"

"I thought you sai...

Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway

The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"

Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."

The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

• ⁠


Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

A cop sees a car swerving around as it goes down the road and pulls it over.

At the wheel, he finds a priest. So the cop shines a light in the car and asks him, “have you been drinking, father?”

The priest says, “Just water.”

The cop moved his flashlight to the passenger seat and saw an empty bottle of wine. The priest looks at it and cries out, “Good Lord, He’...

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A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

a man is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the man quicly responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “

Can’t do that ...

A man is driving down a road, swerving every now and then, so he’s pulled over by a cop, believing him to be drunk...

The cop then takes out a breathalyzer, and asks the driver to breath into it, the driver says he cannot, the cop asks why, and the driver tells him he has asthma.

The cop then walks back to his car and takes out a tube, he then returns to the driver and asks him for a urine test. The driver t...

A cop pulls over a man for swerving on the roads late at night...

The cop says “how high are you, sir?”

The man replies with “no officer I believe it’s ‘hi, how are you?’”

A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"

"No my son. Why would you ask that?"

"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
<...

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Cop: Sir, your car was swerving all over the road.

Me: Sorry, officer, I’ve had ten pints and feel very pissed.



Cop: That’s no excuse to let your wife drive!

Cop pulls over a swerving RV.

Cop: I am going to have to arrest you for driving while intoxicated.
Guy: You can't arrest me I am already home.

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A man is swerving all over the road gets pulled over by the cops...

The officer asks the man to do a breathalyzer test to which the man replies "Oh, officer I can't I have extreme asthma and I could go into a fit if I try to." The officer then asks him to come back to the station to do a piss test. The man then says, "I can't do that either, I have a severe test o...

How do you spot the drunk driver in Pittsburgh?

They’re the only ones not swerving to avoid the pot holes.

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Voodoo Dick.

There was a man that often went away on business trips. While he was away on his trips, his wife would get very... frustrated. So, before a long trip, the husband wanted to get his wife something special to help the 'lonliness' while he was away.

He went to his local sex shop, and talked to ...

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

Two guys are driving together late at night...

They notice a stake in the ground on the side of the road with the letters “RE” on it. “Hmmm” they wonder, “what’s that about?”

They continue on, and they notice another. Then one more.

At this point, the passenger merely sighs out of boredom, and then passes out, exhausted.

Mea...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favourite bar.

A police officer notices a car swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver.

Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles all over the floorboard, the policeman asks, "Have you been drinking?"

"I don't know what you're...

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

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When driving, they say it is always better hit the animal rather than swerve.

You know, for safety reasons. Swerving endangers everybody around you.

So, I was driving one day, and all of a sudden, a dog jumps out of nowhere and runs across the road! Luckily, i somehow manage to miss him.

I had to chase the fucking thing across a field for 15 minutes before i co...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

So I got pulled over...

I was driving home from the bar and of course Sirens were wailing and showing red and blue.

I pulled over and the officer showed up to my window and shined a light in my eyes.

“Sir you have been swerving and your eyes are red have you been drinking”

“Well, your eyes are glazed h...

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

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An old lady is rolling up and down the halls of the nursin home in her wheelchair making sounds like a car. VROOM VROOM!

An old man jumps out of his room and says "Ma'am you were speeding. License and registration please." She digs around in her purse, pulls out a candy wrapper and gives it to him. He looks it over, hands it back and sends her on her way with a warning.

The old lady is rolling up and down the h...

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

A man was listening to the radio while driving home.

There was a report warning about someone who was going the wrong way on the highway.

The man said to himself, swerving: “There isn’t just one!”

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A hearse is driving up the street...

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has pic...

A man gets pulled over by a cop

The cop goes up to the man's window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.

"Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test."

"I can't do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack."

"Alright, then just come down to ...

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A businessman was about to go on a long business trip

and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store cl...

Drunk driving or...?

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

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A blonde walks into a sex shop

She goes to the toys and starts browsing at the dildos, after a few minutes the cashier comes and ask her what she's looking for.
"Well I have multiple toys, and nothing really seems to satisfy me" she says.
As she says that she hears an awful racket coming from the back, "What's that?" she as...

Drunk driver

This isn't so much a joke as it is a true story that happened to me. My buddy always got a kick out of it and it makes me laugh. Delete if not allowed.


My friends wife left him and I went to his house to drink beer and play music. We had a great time and somewhere around 3am I st...

A policeman pulls over a driver...

for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can't do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the s...

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

Drunk driver

A preacher was driving home late one night.

A little ways down the road he noticed the car in front of him was swerving a lot. Must be a drunk driver he thought.

The preacher went to pass him and the drunk swerved over.

Trying to avoid an accident, the preacher swerves out o...

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

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I got pulled over by a cop

He came to the window and told me I was swerving. He then announced that I was drunk, and proceeded to give me a breathalyzer.
I told him: "I can't I have dyspnea" (Trouble Breathing)
He then told me to take a urine test.
I told him: "I cant, I have a failing liver"
He then continues to ...

A priest was driving at night

When he saw a car in the oncoming g lane swerving wildly all across the road. The priest had to swerve himself to not get hit and ended up hitting the ditch and rolling his car into the nearby field. Fortunately, he was unhurt, just a little shaken, and climbed out of the wreckage.

The car ...

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Drunk driver

A cop pulled over a man who kept swerving in and out of lanes for no apparent reason. The officer goes up to the man and requests that the man take a breathalyzer test.

"I can't do that, officer," the man replied, "I'm an asthmatic. If I take the test, I might have an asthma attack."
...

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It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

A trucker walks into a bar.

He sits at the bar and orders a beer, the bartender is a bit surprised to see the trucker. "Hey Bob, haven't seen you in a while, what have you been up to? "

Bob takes a swig of beer, "man that tastes good, haven't had a beer in 18 months, I have been in prison" he says.

"You, I can't ...

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Magic vibrator

A businessman needs go out of town for work. His wife is a sex addict and cannot go more than a day without sex. Fearing that she will cheat on him, he decides to buy a toy for her to keep her occupied while he is away. He goes to the nearest sex shop. He tells the sex shop owner about his wife. The...

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Voodoo dildo

A man was going to go on a business trip and wanted to get his wife a new toy to try and reduce the chance that she would cheat on him while he was gone.

So he went to a local sex shop and told the clerk what he was looking for and why.

The clerk showed him a collection of dildos and...

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Magic dildo

For my line of work I have to travel a lot and my wife was okay with it at first, but after a while she started getting really lonely. I understood where she was coming from as I had become quite lonely going from hotel to hotel. Instead of letting something regrettable happen I told her let's go to...

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