Ma'am Jokes - 84 Hilarious Ma'am Jokes

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

1. Illegal Downloading

At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus..

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

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A woman walks into the produce section of the supermarket

And asks the man stocking oranges, "Excuse me sir, where can I find the broccoli?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli but we'll have some tomorrow."

The woman walks away. Comes back a few minutes later, taps the man on the shoulder and says, "Where's the bro...

Doctor: Well ma'am looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No it just looks like you are.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach "

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no law about that".

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Businessman

Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich.
The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kind...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

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A man is sunbathing on a beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

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So a grocer is restocking the vegetables...

When a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?" The man replies "Well ma'am we're out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then." The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes ...

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"

"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied

"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.

"Yes ma'am I am."

"The kind who ties up those calves and brands ...

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

What would the Mandalorian be called if he was a woman that traveled through time?

Ma'amDeLorean

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Based on a real incident [Long}

"Who wants to be an engineer?" asked the teacher in a classroom.

Some students raise their hands except one boy.

"Who wants to be a doctor?" asked the teacher again.

Again some students raise their hands except for that one boy.

"Who wants to be a teacher?" asked the teac...

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Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

I was listening to my son do his math homework at the kitchen table

And then all of sudden he said 3+6 the son of a b !tch is 9, and then he said 2+5 the son of a b!tch is 7, so I said, what are you saying, son?! He said, but my teacher she showed us how to do Math and that's what she said...so just to make sure I was like, OK go on. He said 2+2 the son of a b!tch i...

The teacher asks little Johnny : "Your dad buys 18 six-packs of beer at $3 a piece, how much is it ?"

"I'd say about a one week supply, Ma'am !"

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Here is a joke I heard from watching Jake and Amir.

A woman is boarding a bus with her newborn baby in her hand. The bus driver takes one look at the baby and says" ma'am that is the ugliest baby that I have laid my eyes on"

The woman appalled at the statement as she should be sits next to a man

The man says that the lady should not hav...

9th August 2021: a blond American woman is at the Canadian immigration counter......

The immigration officer is puzzled for a minute and then the light comes on.

"Thank you ma'am for that view but it is vaxxed not waxed'

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asks.

"I'm smoking." replied a middle-aged woman.

"Sorry, ma'am but you shouldn't be calling 911. Please contact an expert if you need help." The operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

"911, what's your emergency?" t...

Circa 1994: A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the salesman.

"excuse me sir, I would like to buy that television over there"

"Sorry ma'am we don't sell to blondes" the salesman replies

Appalled the blonde scoffs and storms out the door

She comes back with a red wig on and tries again only to have the man tell her

"Sorry ma'am we...

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[Blonde Joke] A blonde woman is walking around town with her breast exposed

A man walks up to her and says "ma'am did you know your is out?"

The blonde looks down, seeing her exposed breast screams "OH MY GOD I LEFT MY BABY ON THE BUS"

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A woman walks into Walmart

She's dragging her two children behind her and turns to yell at them, "hurry up! Get your moving". The Walmart greeter can tell she's not having s good day, so he politely says "Good morning, what a lovely day!" She rudely responds by telling the greeter to off. The greeter is surprised,...

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Do you know where the phrase "You've got to be shitting me!" came from?

When General George Washington was crossing the Delaware it was cold, foggy and ice all around. They had several boats and only one light. Captain Peters was at the bow of the boat with this light when it struck some ice and he tumbled into the river. They searched and searched for him but never cou...

A blonde moves out to the country....

A blonde moves out to the countryside because she's tired of people in the city assuming she's dumb because of her hair color. She dyes her hair brown, packs up, and moves out. On her way to her new house she passes a shepherd with a herd of sheep. Eager to start her new life, she pulls over and pos...

State trooper

A woman is driving through rural Pennsylvania when red and blue lights come on in her rearview mirror. The officer approaches the vehicle.

Officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?
Woman: Ya, you wanted to invite me to the policeman's ball!
Officer: Ma'am I am a Pennsylvania ...

At the doctor's office

Dr: Sir I have unfortunate n...

Patient: IT'S MA'AM!!!

Dr: Ma'am you have testicular cancer.

It's 1860 in the Bowery. A prim Anglo woman knocks on the door of an Irish catholic immigrant...

She says, "I'm here supporting James Mason for mayor. He wants to increase money for public schools."

"What's he want to do that for?" the Irish woman asks.

"Well, he believes in the importance of education."

The Irish woman seems confused. "That's it? His sister doesn't work...

me: shots! shots! shots!

someone: ma'am this is a urine testing facility

The two quotes that shows a person's true colors:

"It's just a game."

"Sir/Ma'am we ask u to wear ur mask."

A lady gets pulled over by an Officer for speeding

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?

Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Lady: I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers, please?

Lady: ...

A young mother was trying to breastfeed her 2 years old crying baby on a bus on her way home.

''Oh John, come on. Not now! If you
don't open your mouth ..." She glanced at an old man sitting right next to her and whispered under her breath ''I will nurse the old man!"

But the baby kept crying and whining.

''John. Stop crying. Or I'll nurse the old man! Now open your mouth!"...

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A police officer pulls over a 85-year-old lady

As she's pulling out her license he sees her carry permit and asks if she has any guns in the car.

She says: "yes sir I do, I have a .22 in the glove compartment, a .38 snub-nose in the center console, and .45 under the seat."

The officer is taken back and asks: "Ma'am what are you s...

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Door Ma'am!

Door Ma'am who?

I've come to bargain ...

Young Dublin Mother

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother ...

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:

She: "What do you want, Sonny?"

He: "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?"

She: "Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?"

He: "S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

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A very large man asks for the time

A young man 6'7 and wide as an ox, he goes up to an older lady in the mall and he asks: "Scuze m,m,me m,m,ma'am do you havthes the time?"

Feeling sorry she can't help this man with a speech impediment she says to him: "Sorry sonny, my watch is in the shop being repaired"

The large ma...

A blonde girl goes to an appliance store

She spots the t.v. she's been saving up for, picks it up and goes to the cashier
The cashier says "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes"
Disgruntled she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she goes into the appliance store, picks out the same t.v. and once again goes to...

A Spicy Italian

Right before they announced all the restaurants were closing I went to Subway 1 last time.
I placed my order, then the girl behind me proceeded to place hers.
She said, "I'd like a 6 foot Spicy Italian."
I turned to her and said, "Sorry ma'am -- I'm only 5 11"

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A blond goes to the doctor....

And says "I can't figure out what's wrong with me. When I touch my head it hurts, when I touch my it hurts, and when I touch my foot it hurts."

To which the doctor replies "ma'am I think you've broken your finger"

An old lady goes to buy cat food....

The person working the cash register says "I'm sorry ma'am but there has been reports of elderly people eating this stuff, we'll need to see proof of your cat." The old lady sighs and leaves. The next day she comes back with a box that contains her cat. The clerk sees this and let's her purchase ...

A man is crossing a busy road

A man is crossing a busy road when he's hit by a red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red Lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry and finally another red lorry.

Later that day a younge police officer knocks on the door of the man's wife to inform h...

A cop pulls over a car.

He goes up to the window and finds a little old lady in the driver seat. The cop say "Ma'am the reason I pulled you over is because you were driving well below the speed limit and causing a long line of traffic to back up. It's very unsafe."

The lady replied "No officer. The sign back there s...

Once a half wit homeless man saw a lady buying sanitary pads.

Man: X'cuse me ma'am if you could share some of those bread with me I'll be very grateful.

Lady: Sure. I'll come back tomorrow with the jam on it.

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR !"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.

She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.

A little girl in the back raises her hand and says "No ma'am I had a cat who stuttered."

The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.

The little girl stands up and says " Well we ha...

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A woman went to a psychiatrist

Woman : I don't know why everyone things I want to have with them, I am just a normal friendly outgoing girl, I like to hang out with new people. I'm not sure if I get too friendly with them.

Psychiatrist : Ma'am you need to get off my lap.

Old Lady Speeding...

**One night a state cop saw a car riding along at 22 miles per hour. He put on his lights and pulled the car over. He approached the window and saw that there were 5 old ladies in the car that looked shocked and pale.**

**The old lady who was driving said “Officer, I don't get why you pulled ...

What do you call a female weed dealer that sells to breast cancer patients?

A Ma'am A' Gram

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

What Did He Say?

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. Selma was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

Morty yel...

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies doing 20 in a 65mph zone. The cop walks up to the window.

"How can I help you officer?"

"Did you realize you were doing 20 in a 65mph zone?"

"I thought we were doing the speed limit. It says so right there." The old woman pointed to a sign....

Misunderstanding

One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????
My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent ".......
(I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, m...

I ran over my neighbours cat

I went to the door. "I'm very sorry ma'am but I have run over your cat. I would like to replace it for you"

She replied "that's ok. How good are you at catching mice"?

Fishing

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and ...

An old man goes to the doctor for a physical.

The doctor tells the man the results are fine and asks him how he is doing.

"I feel great!" he replied, "God and I have made a really strong connection lately."

The doctor find this a little odd, but is respectful and asks "How so?"

The man says "Well, when I wake up to pee in t...

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A guy has lost his eye in an accident

He can't afford to get a glass eye, so his doctor says,

"Well, I have an old wooden eye I could put in. I could paint it to look like the other one."

The man agrees and lets the doctor implant the wooden eye.

Later, he decides to "test" his new eye and goes to a club.

He ...

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot and places the parrot, stiff as a board, onto the vets desk.

"Doctor I think my parrot is sick. Please make him well again!"

The vet takes a look at the parrot and puts his stethoscope on the parrots chest and listens solemnly for a few mo...

A blonde sits down in the first class seat on her plane.

The flight attendant comes over and says "Ma'am, may I please see your ticket"

The blonde women hands her the ticket.

The flight attendant says "I'm sorry ma'am your in coach back there not first class"

The blonde says "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Miami"

Th...

The Lady with the dead body in the trunk

One night Charlotte was speeding down the highway as a police pulls her over.

The cop comes up and asks her, **"what the heck was making you drive so fast??"**

Charlotte quickly tries to explain herself and tells the officer **"Sir, I have a dead body in the trunk of my car"**

A...

A Women enters a grocery store

"What are these round green things back there?" she asks the cashier

"Those are apples ma'am" he responds

"Ok, can I have a kilo... ...and pack only one per bag please"

next the women walks up to another shelf and aks:

"What are those orange things i am looking at here?...

A golden opportunity

Just happend today
My teacher told our class that half of you are sleeping, half of you are talking and half of you are texting.

I wanted to say "ma'am you made a good choice choosing humanities maths wasn't your field."

But damn i missed the teacher had a stroke.
Damn that gold...

Transcript of leaked 911 call...

Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"

Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"

Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or havi...

A blonde's house is on fire...

so she calls 911 on her cell.

Blonde:"Come quick my house is on fire!"

911 op: "Ma'am I don't see you address coming up how do we get there?"

Blonde: "Well duh, a big red truck!"

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Drunk guy is in the park

Drunk guy is in the park
An Old lady walked past him and says with anger:
- What a beast!
- Don't worry Ma'am I'm holding him

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The teacher asks all students of her class to learn 4 clauses before the next class next day.

Amit goes to his busy dad and says

Amit : Daddy Daddy. Can you please tell me a clause?

Dad : Shut up

Amit : Thank you Daddy

Next, Amit goes to his mom who is busy cleaning trash.

Amit : Mommy Mommy, Can you please tell me a clause?

Mom : Trash

Am...

Another blonde joke...

A blonde was speeding on a highway when a policeman pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and say "excuse me ma'am can I see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just ye...

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so a woman goes to the airport.

a woman gets to the airport and picks up her boarding pass and passport, and makes it through the terminal to the boarding gate. the attendant there asks to see her fying information, and she realizes that between the terminal and the boarding gate, her boarding pass has gone missing."oh " she s...

A blonde gets in her car...

and notices that her dashboard windshield and steering wheel were missing she called the cops and reported a theft when the cops arrived she was crying in her car and the cops went up to her and said "Ma'am you are sitting in the backseat".

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A husband and wife are eating at Hooters for their 20th anniversary.

A gorgeous blond waitress comes up and asks them what they'd like to drink.
"Oh my god you are gorgeous." Said the husband with the intent of his wife off.
His wife just shook her head and smiled.
"Why don't you introduce your wife to her you pig, or better yet, introduce her...

A cop pulls over a old lady for running a stop sign at an intersection.

As he approaches the car he notices 6 penguins in the back seat of her car. She rolls down the window and the cop says "Ma'am I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there, but now that I am here I have to say, you cant just be driving around with these penguins in your car. You shou...

A blonde walks into a hairdressers

She asks the hairdresser for a trim. The hair dresser asks her to take a seat but tells the blonde she needs to remove her headphones.

Blondie insists she can't remove them and the lady will have to do the best job she can.

After a while the hairdresser gets frustrated and says, "sorry...

An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce...

An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce. The judge asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About a four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said. "I mean what is the foundation o...

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

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A man tells his wife to run an errand

He says to his wife "Go to the store and pick up some broccoli."
So she heads to the local super market in search of the broccoli.

When she gets there she asks a man at the front desk

"Excuse me sir, where is the broccoli?"

He says "I'm sorry ma'am were out of broccoli."
...

A little old lady

A sweet little old lady was riding on a bus heading to another town to visit her children. She was seated behind the driver. On the way she offered some nuts to the bus driver saying "Here you go, sonny." And the driver took them gladly to eat. After a few minutes she offered some more nuts saying "...

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In London during WW2 an American soldier is on a train looking for a seat.

He sees a seat that has a dog in it and a woman beside it "ma'am can you move your dog so i can sit there" he asks the woman replies "No, piss off you Yankee " the soldier walks off searches the entire train for a seat but doesn't find one he them returns to the lady and asks "please can you mov...

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A woman gets off a bus with one out of her blouse...

She's updating her Facebook status simultaneously.
After a while a man asks the obvious question pointing at the glaring "Ma'am is this some form of treatment for breast cancer?"
The woman in sudden realization yells "Oh my God! my Baby".

A blonde walks into Starbucks

A blonde walks into Starbucks one morning and orders a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. She receives her breakfast sandwich from the Barista, finds a table and sits down to eat. While she's eating her breakfast she notices that there is a peel and win game piece on the side of her coffee cup. She...

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A blonde goes to her chemist..

A blonde goes to her chemist. She's quite embarrassed, so goes to quite a length to get the chemist by themselves. She whispers to the pharmacist, 'I need some more deodorant.'

The pharmacist, quite confused, says, 'I'm sorry ma'am, what was that?'

"I need some deodorant!" lo...

A caretaker at a cemetery sees a woman crying over a grave...

"I'm sorry for your loss ma'am, was that your husband?"
"Yes. He died eating a poison mushroom"

The next day the caretaker sees the same woman crying over a different grave.
"Ma'am I'm so sorry. Who was he?"
"This was my second husband. He also died eating a poison mushroom"

T...

So a guy is walking in New York City when he sees a penguin in the street...

The man takes the penguin and goes to ask a woman police officer he sees down the road what to do.

He explains to her, "Ma'am I've found this penguin wandering around just a block up the road and I was curious as what to do with it."

The cop then replies, "Well, I would consider takin...

A blonde goes to electronic shop.

Uhh, wow can I buy this TV?

Sorry We don't serve blondes here.

Blonde dyes her hair red and goes to the same store.

Wow, how much is this TV?

Sorry ma'am I told You we don't serve blondes here.

She dyes her hair black and goes to the same store.

Hey I wanna ...

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