Jewish Mother Jokes - 28 Hilarious Jewish Mother Jokes

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

Another Jewish mother...

A Jewish guy calls his mother in Florida.

"Hi, Mom. How have you been?"

"Not so good. I've been feeling weak."

"Weak? Why are you feeling weak?"

"I haven't eaten for 28 days!"

"Twenty-eight days?! Why? What's wrong?"

"I didn't want my mouth to be full of foo...

What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

Eventually a Rottweiler will let go

Jewish mothers are like parole officers

They never let anybody finish a sentence.

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A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. Wh...

A waiter checks on a table of Jewish mothers and asks:

Is anything ok?

Did you hear about the Jewish mother doll?

You pull the string on its back and it says, “Again with the string?”

How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?

"No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh don't worry about me I'll just sit here in the dark. It's not like I need light to sit here all alone by myself.

An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."

Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"

The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."

So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a ...

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

Odessa. A Jewish Mother stands on the balcony and shouts:

– Arkasha! Home!

The son shouts back:

– Am I cold?

– No! You’re hungry!

What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian mother?

Jewish mother to her child: Eat or I will die.
Italian mother: Eat or I’ll kill you.

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Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says

Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says, "I have some unsavory news. I sent my son to Israel to become a more faithful Jew, but he became Christian!"

The other mother replies, "Funny story! I sent my son there for the same reason, and he became a Christian as well!"

The two women, ...

Three Jewish Mothers

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves h...

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What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

"Pardon me ladies, but is ANYTHING all right?"

(Shabbat Shalom my fellow Jews of the Jokes sub!)

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Advice from a Rabbi

A man goes to a respected Rabbi for advice.

"Rabbi, Rabbi, I'm getting audited by the IRS and have to appear in court. Should I show up there in lowly clothes so they think I'm as poor as I say I am? or should I show up dressed my finest so they know I'm a respected businessman that you don'...

Jewish mother goes to the airport

to meet her daughter, who was returning from a summer abroad. The daughter gets off the plane hand-in-hand with a 7' tall Zulu warrior, with a bone through his hair and nose.

The mother yells at her "I said a *rich* doctor!"

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

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Two Jewish Mothers Talking About Their Sons...

...And one of them says "I sent my son to Israel and he has come back a Christian."

The other Jewish mother listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel and he returned as a Christian."

So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the sto...

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What do you get when 500 Jewish mothers convert to Catholicism?

Critical Mass.

What do a Jewish mother-in-law and 60 Minutes have in common?

They both always start with tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk...

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What is the greatest dilemma for a Jewish mother?

She learns her son is gay, but he's dating a doctor.

The first female president is being sworn in.

Her Jewish mother is sitting in the second row next to a Supreme Court Justice, watching. The judge leans over and says, "Madam, you must be VERY proud."

The mother says, "Well, you see that girl with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.

...

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One of my favorite jew jokes.

3 Jewish mothers get together for lunch one day at a fancy restaurant on the upper east side in Manhattan. They haven't seen each other in years, so the conversation naturally, turns to their sons. The first one says, "My Moishe...he's the best doctor in all of New York. Celebrities see him. Michael...

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Another set of Jewish mom jokes

Seeing how my first post had a ~~huuuuge~~ kinda moderate success, here's another set.

Because it seems americains are not aware of the jewish mom stereotype, here is a rough translation of the French Wiki :

> The typical traits of the jewish mom include :
>
> * An exces...

7 more uncommon Russian Jokes

#1
A fisherman complains to his friend:
- Bloody neighbor! When I go fishing, he goes to my wife. When I stay at home, he checks my fishnets.

#2
A group of hunters meet an old hunter in the forest. They know that he is almost blind, so they start shouting:

- We are not deer! ...

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