UPJOKE
scotlandscotirishmanpictsscotchmanscotchbruceethnic groupstewartkingdom of albagolden boyfirth of forthnorn languageedinburghnation

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

What’s worn under a Scotsman’s kilt?

Nothing, everything is in perfect working order!

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

The Scotsman shouts out "drinks for everyone in the house, all night, on me! Drink your hearts out boys!" The pub erupts with cheers and everyone has a great drunken night.

The next morning, the front page of the newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind loca...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub

The barman says 'Is this some sort of joke'

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were in Rome.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were in Rome one day when the see a priest running around in panic. They approach him an asked what's wrong when he says "Mama Mia! It's a tha Pope! He's a dead!!" Then he goes quiet, still panicking with his finger on his lips saying "please, please don't a say ...

What do you call a Scotsman holding the World Cup ?

An engraver

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman are drinking beer in a cabin.

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman are drinking beer in a cabin. The Irishman says "Excuse me a second," and steps outside for a few minutes. When he comes back in, he's drenched from head to toe.
The Englishman asks, "Is it raining outside?"
The Irishman says, "No, it's windy."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stranded on a desert island. One day, the Englishman finds a genie in a lamp who grants him three wishes. Because the Englishman is such a nice fellow, he asks the genie if he can share the three wishes...

The genie agrees and heads over to the other men, explaining the situation.

"Alright, Mr. Englishman, you get one wish", declares the genie.

"I miss the bustling streets of London, I wish to be sent back to England".

"Your deed is done", says the genie, who then teleports the ...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Russian are seeing who can drink the most booze.

It's been two weeks and they're still going.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

How do you tell what clan a Scotsman belongs to?

If ya look up his kilt and see a quarterpounder he's a McDonald.

A Scotsman joins a cult on a farm.

On the night that they are to commit mass suicide, the cult members gather in the farmhouse livingroom, and the elders send the Scotsman on one final task.

A few minutes after the he leaves the room, the members hear a loud "Moo!" from the barn. Moments later, the Scotsman returns, zipping up...

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A Scotsman

A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. “Did you smell that?” she asked her husband. “It smells absolutely incredible!” Being a “kind-hearted Scotsman,” he thought “what the hell…I’ll treat her!”

So, they walked past the place again!

How does a Scotsman find sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying

A kilted Scotsman

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman ...

The Scotsman

A Scotsman was walking down the street in his traditional Scottish attire when he saw a couple of women talking and giggling,

As he approached one of the women asked " is it true the you dont wear anything under your kilt?"

"Aye, why dont you have a peek and find out for yourself"
...

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

An irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are all sentenced to jail for 25 years

They are each allowed to bring one thing into prison with them. The irishman takes 25 years worth of cigarettes, the Scotsman takes 25 years worth of whiskey and the englishman takes 25 years worth of chocolate. So the 25 years pass and they are all let out of jail. The englishman comes out really f...

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman captured by the Taliban

They told them "We're gonna shoot but, you you can have one last request before you go" Welshman said "I'd like a thousand Welshmen singing Land of my Fathers" Scotsman said "I'd like a thousand Scotsman singing the Flower of Scotland" Irishman said "I'd like a thousand Irishmen doing the River Danc...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are chatting in a bar. The Englishman says "We named my son George because he was born on St. George's Day".

The Scotsman says "Wow, what a coincidence! My son is called Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's Day"

The Irishman says "I can't believe it! Wait till I tell you about our Pancake"

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a kilometer away.

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Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman in court...

the judge says "I'm in a good mood today and i'm a dog lover as you well know, now if you can sing me a song about a dog i'll let you off, but if you can't then you're going away for a very long time" Englishman went first "How much is that doggy in the window, the one with the waggly tail..." "Case...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub.

They all order a pint of Guinness. Three flies come along and they all manage to land in the beer of the three patrons. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one. The Scotsman takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out of his glass, holds it ove...

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub

The Englishman decides to leave and drags everyone else out with him.

NSFW - Two travellers are walking separate paths...a Scotsman and an Irishman....

The paths merge and they see each other....and acknowledge each other silently...and continue walking side by side.

After awhile, they come across a stone fence with a sheep stuck with its' head in it. The Scotsman turns to the Irishman and says "Och lad! Ya don' get many chances like this!"<...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

An Englishman a Scotsman and a Irishman are trapped on a deserted island

One day a magic lamp washes up on shore. After rubbing the lamp a genie appears and promises them a wish each.

The Englishman says "I wish I was back at my favourite pub in London drinking beer with my mates". The genie wisks him away.

The Scotsman says "I wish I was back in Edinburgh ...

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An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman get caught by the Nazis during the war.

The Englishman is put up to the wall to be shot. The officer asks him "Do you have any last words?", the Englishman shouts "Tornado!". The Germans all turn around and the Englishman jumps over the fence and gets away.

The Scotsman is put up the wall to be shot. The officer asks him "You you h...

Three people, a Welshman, a Scotsman and an Englishman, are walking along together when they come across a genie.

The genie offers them three wishes.

The Scotsman goes first, saying, “I want a wall across the Scottish/English border to stop the English from coming into my beautiful country!”

The genie grants his wish and the Scotsman disappears.

The Englishman goes next, saying, “I want a w...

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A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman rep...

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman - all commandos, are parachuting into Germany in WW2.

They land in a field and are spotted by a German soldier who gives pursuit. Their only hiding spot a nearby barn.

They run into the barn looking for somewhere to hide and can only see 3 hem...

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of s...

A Scotsman was competing in the highland games...

Carothers had a few pints after the caber toss and wanted to take a nap before all the dancing started. So he headed out to the woods and found a nice meadow to take a wee snooze.

Two young and beautiful lasses were picking flowers in the meadow when they stumbled upon him. Being curious on...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!

Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

How do you scare a Scotsman?

With Irn-Boo

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman orders his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He calls the bartender over and requests a new beer. The Scotsman orders his beer and notices a fly in it. He picks the fly out and tosses it away. The Irishman orders his beer and notices a fly in it. He picks up the fly and says "Spi...

Why did the Scotsman visit the urologist?

Because he had a wee problem.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

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A Scotsman and an Englishman

Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock.

Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her.

Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet sore...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet store.
Suddenly the cops show up and they all quickly hide in sacks.
The cops kick the first sack with the Englishman in and he goes "meow".
They move on and kick the second sack and the Scotsman goes "woof".
They then kick t...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

What did the Scotsman say to the Frenchman at the urinal?

Oui oui.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barmaid comes to take their order and the Englishman says "w-w-w-what are you, you, y-ou two h-aving?". The Irishman says "B-Bushmills, m-m-mate" and the Scotsman says "M-M-Mackeson's, th-th-thanks," and the Englishman says to the barmaid, "A-a-a B-ushmills, a, a, a, M-Mackeson's and a, and an, ...

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TIL: A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?...

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, & an Irishman walk into a bar

They each order a beer and sit at the bar. The Englishman notices a fly in his drink so he pushes it away and asks for another.

The Scotsman checks his beer and also sees a fly. He fishes it out and starts to enjoy his pint.

They both look over to see that the Irishman also found a f...

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An Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Jew are all drinking together.

The Irishman says "Well, I bought the first bottle. Who'll be getting the next?" Without hesitation the Scotsman says, "It's no problem. I'll pay for it."

The next day the newspaper headline read "Ventriloquist Jew Beaten to Death!"

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

Who would win in a drinking game between an Irishman and a Scotsman?

The distillery.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman were riding in a hot-air balloon.

The balloon was about to crash into a mountain, so the pilot says to them, "We need to lose more weight to get clear. One of you has to jump" So the Scotsman says "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and he jumps out of the basket.

But the balloon wasn't high enough yet. "We need to lose m...

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

A £10 loan & a deaf Scotsman...

Angus is a bit short of money so he rings his friend Dougal to ask if he can borrow £ 10.

He reverse the phone call & Dougal accepts the charge.


Angus says: 'Can you lend me £ 10? & I'll pay you back'

Dougal says: 'I cant hear, You'll have to speak up'

<...

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are all eating soup at a restaurant

The Irishman notices a fly in his soup. He scoops out the fly, shrugs, and goes on eating without giving it a second thought.

The Englishman notices a fly in his soup. He turns up his nose disgustedly, and signals for the waiter to come take the soup away.

The Scotsman notices a fly in...

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman...

An English, Scottish & Irish soldier are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land.


As prisoners of war, the General sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a years supply of a luxury item of their choosing.

...

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman...

...walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over...

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man are running away from a murder

They run into a bar and say to the bartender “quick, we need somewhere to hide, there’s a man trying to kill us!”

The bartender says “there are some sacks in the cellar, hide in them, just pretend to be what was in them before you emptied them.”

So they run downstairs to hide in the sa...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

English man irish man and a scotsman

Was all in court and the judge said we find you guilty and we will give you parole in 10 years, but until then i can grant you one thing that you can have in your cell that will be restocked every day until then.

The scots man said, BEER i want lots of beer to help me sleep at night to help w...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

A Scotsman phoned his boss:

Sorry boss I will not be in to work today, I have a wee cough, Boss replies you have a wee cough?: Scotsman says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are on a plane.

The engine dies and they know they're screwed.
Looking around the cabin they find only two parachutes.

The Englishman says "I'm the richest so I should get one of them. My money can do the most for the world"

The scotsman says "my families the biggest so I should get one, there'd be...

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom

The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"


The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inc...

How can you tell the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger sings, "Hey, You! Get off my cloud!" A Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod! Get offa my ewe!"

A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman find a magic lamp

A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman are walking on a beach and find a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. He tells them that they each get a single wish.

The Scotsman goes first. “I wish for Scotland to make the finest whisky forever.” The genie granted the wish, and...not mu...

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Englishman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" say...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.

"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."

"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsm...

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"See that wall?" said the bitter Scotsman at the pub...

I built that wall, all the way from here to Glenmore, but do they call me "Angus the wall-builder? Nooo!"

"And see the church spire? Built that too. Do they call me "Angus the steeple-builder"? Noo!"

"And that terrible night when the orphanage burned down,I saved all the wee bairns fro...

No Scotsman is ever fully Scot, why?

Because they are Scott-ish.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Each orders a pint of the bartender's finest ale. The moment they are served, three flies appear, each fly diving into one of the men's pints.



The Englishman, disgusted, pushes his pint aside and orders another.



The Scotsman fishes the fly from his drink, and with a s...

The Scotsman

An older Scotsman is standing on the sidewalk while visiting Edinburgh.
Soon enough two young Lassies approach him and say, "Good Scotsman, is it true what they say about what a Scotchman doesn't wear beneath his kilt?
"Well have a look" replied the Scotsman.
So she leans over and slo...

There was a scotsman called Reginald Mcdonald

He was called that because if you reached up his kilt, he had 2 quater pounders. With cheese.

A Scotsman just offered to give me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley's

So I said "I can take your knives, but I'll never take your free gum"

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman find a magic slide, and the operator says “If you say what you want when you’re sliding down, you’ll land in it”

The Englishman slides down, shouts “GOLD!!” and lands in a pot of gold
The Scotsman slides down, shouts “SILVER!!” and lands in a pot of silver
The Irishman slides down and shouts “WEEEEEEE!!”

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are all drinking tea...

and they each put an odd number of spoons of sugar into their tea and yet the total number of spoons of sugar added is even. How is this even possible?

Well the Englishman puts in one spoon of sugar, the Irishman also puts in one spoon of sugar and the Scotsman put in thirty which I’m sure y...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a desert

The three friends have been walking for ages and ages, all three think they're going to die there.

Eventually, the Englishman finds a lamp, and he gives it a rub.

A genie pops out and says "each of you can have one wish".

"I want to go home!" the Englishman says, poofing away f...

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

Three Paddy's stranded in the desert

Three men; Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman, were stranded in the desert where they found a magic lamp.

Paddy Irishman picked it up, gave it a rub and a genie popped out and exclaimed "You have set me free! I'll grant you all one wish each!"

Paddy Scotsman went first...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman rob a bank

They each escape the bank with a large sack of money but are being chased by the police. They turn down an alley way but it's a dead end and they decide that jumping in the sacks of money is their best chance of not being arrested.
Three police officers finally catch up and just see the three sac...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

A Scotsman on his deathbed

A Scotsman was close to death, and asked that his sons be brought to him before it was too late.

The oldest son went in to see him and the father said:
“Son, I’m aboot to die, and I’d like ta gi ye a little somethin’ ta remember me by”

“Well, da, ye know I’ve always wanted a tartan ...

A Scotsman is drinking at the bar.

"I've been layin' bricks fer twenty years" he said in a dejected tone.

"But they don't call me McGregor the bricklayer do they?!" He sipped his drink and continued.

"I've bin paintin' hooses fer thirty-five years." He continued to sip his drink, his inflection getting angrier and more ...

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are stuck on a deserted island.

After a few weeks, they find a magic lamp and the genie gives them one wish each.

The Englishman decides quickly and says, "I wish I was back home in England with my family".

The Scotsman thought, hey that's a good idea and said, "I wish I was at home in Scotland with my family"
...

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How do you get a Scotsman to fall asleep?

Ask him how many times he’s had sex.

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An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar

An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar. They all order a pint of liquor and the Englishman notices a vase full of gold coins in the corner of the bar, he asks what its for and the bar keeper says that they can have it if they complete 3 tasks
1. Down a bottle of vodka
2. Pull...

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

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English Man, Irish Man and a Scotsman chatting.

English man says, in my local pub, you buy one drink you get 2 free.

Scotsman says, in my local pub you buy 2 drinks you get 5 free.

Irish man says that is nothing, in my local pub, you buy one drink and you are treated to free drink all night long, and afterwards you go to a room and ...

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An englishman, a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar.

In the corner there is a pot of money. The men ask the bartender how they can get that money. The bartender says they must:

Drink a bottle of tequila without passing out

Pulling a thorn out of a lion's paw

And have sex with a 100 year old woman.

The men agree, since it's ...

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A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.

Smiling, the Scot...

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishm...

A Bri'ish joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all walk into a bar and each order a pint. After some time, the barkeeper brings them their booze and they all look down to find a fly in each of their pints. The Englishman turns his nose up at the drink and pushes it away. The Scotsman starts guzzling it w...

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Englishman Irishman and Scotsman are sitting in a cafe discussing their teenage daughters

The Englishman turns to the group and says I'm so disappointed by my daughter I went in her room the other day and noticed a pack of cigarettes I had no idea she was smoking.
The scotsman turns and says that's not as bad as mine I found a bottle of whiskey hidden in her room I cant believe she's ...

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An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were in a bar

A fly lands in the Englishman’s drink and he orders another. A fly lands in the Irishmans drink and he takes it out and continues drinking. A fly lands in the Scotsman’s drink and he takes it out and goes, “go on spit it back out ya wee bugger.”

Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin?

When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head.

What do you call a Scotsman who's nearly at his house?

Hamish

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Indian man were in the hospital.

Their wives had just given birth and the three new fathers were waiting to see their newborn sons. A doctor came and ushered them into the newborn nursery. When they got there a worried-looking nurse said, "There's a problem. We forgot to put wristbands on the babies, and now we don't know which ...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi, a horse, Dave, an infinite number of mathematicians, and the bus driver all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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A Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman was sitting in a bar talking about anniversary presents. The Englishman said: "You know, for my wife I bought two birthday presents, a necklace and a scarf, so that if she doesn't like the necklace maybe she'll like the scarf". "Ooh, that's very thoughtful o...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish walked into a bar

Remember that used to happen?

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

Each man orders a pint of lager and sits down.

The bartender delivers their beers, and as soon as he does, three large flies that have been buzzing around the bar land in each of their glasses.

"Bloody hell!", says the Englishman in disgust. "What a perfectly good waste of a perfectly...

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea

Brave fart

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman..........

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan...

A Scotsman moves to London

“How’s the flat you’re living in in London, Jock?” asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

“It’s okay,” he replies, “but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.”

“Never you mind,” says his mother...

A Scotsman is walking down the street when he spots two guys fighting. Without a second thought, he marches over to them, splits them apart and says...

"Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?"

A Scotsman was giving a walking tour to a Greek guy through the hills of Scotland. They came across a sheep that had its head stuck in a hole in a fence.

‘Let me show you what we do in a situation like this’ says the Scotsman with a grin as he unzips his trousers and has his way with the sheep. After he finished he turns to the Greek and says
‘Ok, now it’s your turn’
‘I can’t!’ Protests the Greek, ‘My head won’t fit in that hole.’

A Young Scotsman leaves home and moves to New York.

After six months his mum calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans.“Horrible,” he says. “They’re always yelling and screaming. I hate how they constantly pound on the walls and stomp the floors.”“How do you get by?” she asks.“I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes,” says the lad.

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman went into a bar

(There should have been an Englishman as well but he was still at the Rugby World Cup.)

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are standing on a roof.

A man who claims to be a magician approaches the three.
"If you jump off this roof, whatever you yell on your way down is what you shall land in," the magician tells them.
The Englishman, obviously the bravest of the three, volunteers to go first. He jumps off the roof, and on his way down yel...

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and sli...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Irishman looks over to the bar and sees, who he thinks, is Jesus.

The Irishman gets the attention of the other two.
"Look, lads. It's Jesus!"

Skeptical, the two guys laughingly ask him to go go and ask the man at the bar if he is, in fact, Jesus.

Brazenly, the Irishman ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this b...

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