UPJOKE

Walk Into A Bar Jokes

A boomer, a millennial and a zoomer walk into a bar

That's right- Gen X just got ignored again.
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Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
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Three logicians walk into a bar.

The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want beer?"

The first one answers: "I don't know."

The second one answers: "I don't know."

The third one answers: "Yes!"
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12 atoms of sodium walk into a bar.

Followed by Batman.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homophobe, a child molester, and a con man walk into a bar

The bartender says "What will it be, Father?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A racist, an anti-semite and a black man walk into a bar

“Hey Kanye!”

Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , th...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
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4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...
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Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don’t remember the rest.
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A domestic abuser, a klansmen, and a murderer walk into a bar.

Bartender: what will it be, officer?
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A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child s...
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101 lemmings walk into a bar

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

O...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

Jesus walks into a bar...

Jesus and the apostles walk into a bar.

He takes a stool by the bar and orders, "13 glasses of water please" while winking at his group.
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Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...
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A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...

As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
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A group of dictators walk into a bar

and order everyone around.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

Times New Roman and Comic Sans walk into a bar.

The Bartender shouts 'Get out we don't serve your type in here'
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A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...
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A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.
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A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg
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C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
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An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The barmen recieves them and asks for their order.

"Well, I'll have a glass of H2O", says the first scientist, giggling to his friend.

"Oh, then I'll have H20, too", says the other scientist, giggling at their inside joke.

The barmen brings their drinks, and they slowly starts s...

A Crossfitter, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar....



I only know because they told *everybody* within two minutes of walking in.
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A Man and a Gorilla Walk into a Bar

A man and a gorilla walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What will it be?"

The man replies, "Beer for me, and ice for my friend here"

"Ice?" the bartender asks.

"Yes." He replied. "Justice for Harambe."
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

Three strings walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "NO STRINGS ALLOWED!"

They got kicked out. One string gets an idea and ties himself into a knot. He walks back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Ok." And comes back with a beer. "Wait, are you a string?"

The string got kicked out.

...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“A divorced dad, a Nazi, and a crazy person walk into a bar…”

The bartender looks up from polishing a glass and says “Oh, hi Kanye.”

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."
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An MI6 agent, a CIA agent, and a KGB agent walk into a bar

[REDACTED]
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Two scientists walk into a bar

“I’ll have H20” says the 1st.

“I’ll have H20, too” says the 2nd.

The bartender doesn’t have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.
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Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
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A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"
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A failed rapper, a failed rock star, and a mediocre country singer walk into a bar

He tells the bartender "anything but Budweiser."
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A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
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Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted murder!"
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