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Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

Why was the Energizer Bunny thrown in jail?

Because he was charged with battery.

3 CEOs are in jail.

3 CEO's were in a jail cell.

The first guy said "I got put in here because I raised my prices and the government accused me of price gouging"

The second guy replied, "Really, I got put here because I lowered my prices and the government accused me of unfair competition!"

The thi...

Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail

Turns out they were in for assault and battery

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail?

He was caught fingering A Minor.

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A man was put in jail for talking out of his ass.



It was a bum rap.

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After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together...

It was very confusing.

Hey girl is your dad in jail...

...Because if I was your dad, I would be

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

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First time in jail. Nsfw

Large cell mate: Do you want to be the husband or the wife?
Me: I'll be the husband.
Large cell mate: Good, get over here and suck your wife's dick.

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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Did you hear about the time Falcon was put in jail?

He was arrested for fowl play.

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An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

Two friends were in jail

The first started writing lines on the wall so they know for how long they’ve been there. The other one says: Hey, don’t write on the wall, they’ll kick us out

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

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On John's first night in jail,

His cell mate approaches him and says, "let's play house, would you like to be the husband or the wife?"
John, thinks for a second and replies, "I'll be the husband."
The cell mate then says,"okay, now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

My friend is in jail for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

What to do in jail

If I ever get arrested, I'm gonna rename myself to "Mitochondria"

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

A stuttering friend of mine died in jail the other day..

.....he couldn't finish his sentence.

I don't understand what I'm in jail for.....

All I said was that I'm in love with a miner

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Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?

I think he got off easy.

If I ever get thrown in jail

I ain't finishing my sent-

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail.

He probably thought 19 in COVID-19 meant age.

I think that YouTubers have to be put in jail

I mean, seriously, why would you hit 1 million of your followers?

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Why can’t you put Jews in jail?

Because they eat lox

Why are there so many rappers still in jail?

Because they don't know how to end a sentence.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail?

It broke mid-sentence.

"Excuse me lady but how long has your father been in jail?" NSFW

"He's not in jail. What are you talking about?"

"I'm not sure how he has resisted but if I were your father I would be in jail."

I heard prisoners in jail get drunk alot

They hang around bars 24/7

Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

Because he was a mass murderer

Why is it so hard to keep a farmer in jail?

Because they always make bale!

A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...

The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."

I heard people in jail can only turn left.

Because they lost all their rights.

My buddy spent 5 years in jail for something he didn’t do.

Run.

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

A man got sentenced to 1 year in jail

One day when he was serving his time, he heard someone yell 85. Everyone on the cell block laughed. Than someone else yelled 132. Everyone laughs. Some else yells out 237. Everyone he can hear is dying with laughter, but the man couldn’t figure out why. Later that day at lunch he asked another priso...

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

It's sad to see so many pictures end up in jail.

Most have been framed.

Did you hear about the guy thrown in jail for refusing to take a nap?

He was resisting a rest

What type of phones do they use in jail?

Cell phones. Duh!

What do you call a Konami game in jail?

Contraband

Why didn't the mitochondria worry about being beat up in jail?

Because he was the powerhouse of the cell.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

A woman goes in front of a judge.

The judge said, "Why are you here today?"

She said, "I stole a can of peaches." The judge said, "How many peaches are in the can?"

She said, "Six." The Judge said, "Ok, you spend six days in jail then."

The lady’s husband quickly stood up and asked the judge if he could speak on...

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

They threw me in jail for singing too much Elton John...

I’m not sure when I’ll get out, but I think it’s gonna be a long, long time.

A Banana has been sentenced to 20 years in jail

After 10 years, he asks for an appeal

Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860

Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long

Bit of a dad joke - trains in jail

Q. Why are trains always being falsely imprisoned?


A. Because of their loco motives

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Three Mexicans are in a jail cell.

One Mexican says to another "JHey Ese, what you in forrr?"

The guy replies "Dey dink I rrrobbed a place man, But dey got de wrrrong guy! JHow about you?"

"Daamn Ese that sucks! Well I got into a fight in a barrr. So dey thrrew me in jherrre."

"Oh sorrrrrry, Ese." They both look ...

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.

One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

Why did the sick bird come in jail?

Because it was an ill-eagle.

An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.

Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.

My brother in jail will send text messages

They're full of prison slang. I think he's trying to say he's sorry and he loves us but I just don't get the con text.

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A guys first night in jail...

and he is having a hard time coming to terms with his new life there. A veteran inmate comes up to him and asks whats wrong. The new guy says he doesn't think he will be able to handle life in prison. The veteran, trying to cheer him up, says "Well its not all bad. Let me ask you something, do you l...

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

How to spot the toughest guy in jail?

He still has some whistle left in his fart.

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

What's the most popular game to play in jail?

Smash Brothers

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down

He was the very model of shivalry

Why when theyre arrested do women only spend a month in jail?

Because a period marks the end of a sentence

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I've only been in jail 5 minutes, and I've already been anally penetrated twice.

I fucking hate playing monopoly with my dad.

What did the OCD man get thrown in jail for?

Organized crime.

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