UPJOKE
erogehigh school dxdairkeykanontechnosapporotrance musictori no utagirly air forceridebackjormungandkaraokeblack lagoonsurvey

I've Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

I've been clean for 47 days now.

It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

I've heard that hookers don't fart.

They do little prosti-toots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

I've spent past 2 years looking for my ex wife's killer

No one wants to do it.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn

Doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

I've finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

I've been stuck in Rome for the past 3 weeks

All their roads have this weird design flaw.

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I've just purchased a house in Liverpool.

It's a 2 up, 5 down.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" ask...

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been having sex with an English teacher

She told me that proper use of the colon is a great alternative when a period is expected.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

I think I've been hacked by Russia

Edit: I not hacked. Motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster.

But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.

I've read the bible and it turns out, I only believe in 12.5% of it.

Guess that makes me an Eighth Theist.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.......

I will keep you posted.

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

I told my wife I've decided to be cremated.

She made an appointment for tomorrow.

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

I've just bought a thesaurus but all the pages are blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers.

Happy Father's day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up!

God I love being a postman

My Doctor says I've run out of Magnesium

0Mg!

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

One of them actually ended a race.

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

I've got a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

I've never been good at chess.

Unlike my Czech mate.

"I've a downloaded copy of Prince Harry's book 'Spare'. Do you wish to read it?"

"Is it a pdf file?"



"Nope, thats his uncle. A totally different Prince"

As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.

I've never tried cow tipping before.

How much do you usually pay them?

I've just found out my wife is really a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

Not my joke, but I've only heard it in brazilian portuguese (I'm brazilian)

Two schizophrenic guys are in a mental hospital, one of them points to the clock and asks "Is this thing working as it is suposed to?", the other says "If it were it wouldn't be here"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of books I've read this year

● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.


● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.


● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.


● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.


● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
...

I've just done my part to help the environment.

I unplugged 6 electric vehicles that no one was using.

I've just started a new business selling trampolines in Prague

Getting a lot of orders, but the Czechs keep bouncing.

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener

Makes scents when you think about it.

I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

I've never been to a gynecologist's office, but I have some ideas about what happens there ...

It's all just speculation of course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The easiest abortion I've ever performed was on a stripper.

It was like taking a baby from Candy.

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

I've decided to learn jokes in sign language

Then I can guarantee no one's heard them before.

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

Recently I've had a vasectomy.

That's the surgery that changes the color of your kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

I've decided to have my girlfriend nickname me Apple

Cos I'll just be all up in cider

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

I've been told that I'm either naive or stupid.

I'm not sure which side I'm moron.

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in.

I've been learning to make pasta recently...

And I'm pretty good apart from a Fusilli mistakes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had sex with members of my family...

...my wife and my ex-wife.

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..

Turns out her sister had it all along.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been on Ashley Madison for over a year now.

About time I got fucked.

I've decided to save money on cat food by getting a bird bath.

Don't @ me. Predators and water go together in nature. Alligators and swamps. Sharks and oceans. Catholic priests and baptism fonts.

Punish me daddy,I've been a naughty girl

"For the last time ,Brenda, it's 'Forgive me Father,I've sinned' "

I've started a whisky diet.

Every morning I wake up and play tennis. Then I wun into the woods and hit a whino with my wacket. The whino gets mad and chases me which makes me wun very fast. It's whisky, but it works.

I've been trying to give up innuendo for lent

But it's so hard, and longer than I realised

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

I've got a friend who is a structural engineer.

He's always complaining about stress at work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

I've just started dating an anaesthesiologist

She's a real knockout

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've started a non-profit that delivers dildos and vibrators to women in need...

It's called "Toys for Twats".

My wife left me after I've had front parts of my feet sawn off.

Turns out she's lack toes intolerant.

I've got a small car in me groin area.

It's drivin' me nuts.

My work colleague:"I've divorced my wife and the court has decided that we have to split the house in two..."

I asked him: "What part of the house will you get?"

He replied: "The outside..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been told that one in our circle of friends is gay.

I hope it's Dave, he's cute.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow

"Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow. Can you call me an Uber tomorrow at 8am?"

"Sure thing, that sounds strange, but I can do it for you my son, love you, good night."

At 8am the next day.

"Uber, wake up now, aren't you going to an interview?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As blond woman, I've heard them all. But this is my favorite blond joke.

A blonde is driving down the highway when she looks out the window to see another blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing as hard as she can.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, runs to the edge of the field and yells as loud as she can, 'It's bitches like you that give blonde...

I've never tried chicken...

Every time I go to eat it I have to throw it in the bin because it smells fowl.

One of the smarter jokes I've picked up...

An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!

Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just bought the vinyl of Prince's greatest hits

Cost me twenty quid!

But fuck it, I'm gonna party like it was £19.99

I've just checked my home insurance policy

and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

I've started a society for anti-social people

Our first meeting is on 30th February

I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees

Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…

Feefiphobia…

I've been sober from math for three weeks.

It was a hard addition to get over.

I've been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I've been taking all kinds of stuff for it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Captain, I've lost my rifle!"

A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says "Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"

The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private.
He says "If any enemies show themselves, just point ...

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been working in the porn industry, so I got penis enlargement surgery

It should help me make it big

"Pack your bags, honey, I've hit the lottery!"

"What should I pack?"
"Everything! You're moving out!"

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

I've decided to freeze myself at -273°C.

My friend thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K.

Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".

"you are mean!" She replied.

I said "no, you are".

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

I've been struggling to get my wife's attention.

# So I sat down and got comfortable. . . that did the trick.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.