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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

I've never had a threesome

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.

A few years ago I started a journal of different rocks I've found in the wilderness. For a while I was stuck with 68 entries, until I finally found number 69...

**Gneiss!**

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

I've ordered some German food through a mobile app.

The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

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The best palindrome i've ever come across is ...

The best palindrome i've ever come across is tit and boob

I've stopped being funny ever since that accident

The doctors said I lost my humerus

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it just a curd to me

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way

Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

I've decided to open the world's cheapest brothel.

Penny for your thots?

I got a world map for my wall, I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ...

... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)

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So over the past few weeks I've been mastering the art of ejaculating in various shapes. I've done squares, triangles, hexagons, but could not for the life of me form an oval. I was starting to get frustrated, but its fine now...

I came a round.

I've just quit my job a helium factory.

I won't be spoken to in that tone....

I've had 7 wives...

2 of them were mine.

Ever since I've needed to use a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude.

She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

A British man says "I've got a bloody nose!!!"

His friends reply "yeah, we all do".

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

The worst pub I've ever been in was called "The Fiddle"..

It was a Vile Inn...

I've got to stop murdering elderly nuns.

Old habits die hard.

I can't see the end, I've lost control, I've no home, and I don't think there's an escape.

It's probably about time I bought a new keyboard.

I told my friend I've been seeing spots lately.

He said, "Have you seen a doctor?"
I replied, "No, just spots."

I've been receiving a lot of targeted ads about male enhancement lately....

Never have I been more offended and grateful in my life.

I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.

He says I should go home and support my wife.

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On this, the second anniversary of becoming a Redditor, I've decided to repost one of my OWN jokes!

As an experiment, I blended some penis enlargement medication with some Viagra and then added that into my eye drops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people.

If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...

...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

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I've been giving my friends t shirts with photos of them printed on it for their birthdays.

Half of them think it's hilarious, and half of them tell me how the fuck did I get this picture of them sleeping.

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

I've heard a theory that the dinosaurs died out because their eggs became rotten.

It was a mass egg-stink-tion!

After I've been waiting at the drive through they call me fat.

And they say it like it's their fault.

"Welcome sir. I'm sorry about your wait. Can I take your order?"

When you think about it I guess it kind of is their fault.

I've called my dog Cadbury Research Department

He's a chocolate lab



Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I've just written a book called "Fifty Shades of Gravy"

It's very saucy

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

I'm 34 years old and today I've been sober for 11 years!

Not in a row though.

In total.

I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh…

I've decided to become a better father, so I'm down to five cigarettes a day now.

The rest of the pack I give to my twelve year old son.

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

I set my Reddit so that it would automatically hide posts I've already opened.

It doesn't seem to work on this subreddit though.

I've heard people say that smoking will give me diseases

But what they don't know is it cures salmon!

I've always had a problem with eating my fingernails.

I get anxious and chew them off and eat them and they look terrible. One day my sister noticed and told me to go to the drug store for some press-on nails. She said they looked good and would keep me from biting my nails. So I went and bought some and she was right. They looked so good I ate them ri...

Ever since my covid vaccine I've been feeling tired and unable to get out of bed

Glad to see there are no side-effects.

I've spent years looking for my mother-in-law's killer.

But nobody will do it.

I've just crashed my brand new Kia

Now i have nokia....

I've been thinking about becoming a plumber.

Eh, it's only a pipe dream though.

I've stopped having naps on a Sunday afternoon. Naps are for the weak.

Not the weekend.

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

I've learned to always forgive and forget.

Anyway, I'm not a loan officer anymore.

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she whispered in my ear "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "Na, you're just pullin' my leg!"

I've been trying to throw a garbage can away for three weeks...

but they won't take it.

I've been breeding non-aggressive Siamese fighting fish.

I call them beta bettas.

I've got a mate who weighs 110kg and dates both men and women.

He's bi and large, a good person.

I've become immortal by drinking tea!

There is a steep price...

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I've been up all night questioning my sexuality.

I just couldn't go straight to bed.

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

I've done my best to quit making innuendos, but it's hard.

So. Hard.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

After much consideration, I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't think I'm strong enough

So today I put in my too-weak notice

I've chicken proofed my lawn

It's impeccable

I've been breeding racing deer

Just trying to make a quick buck

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal.

\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…

I've decided to change my career path and become a window cleaner

It's really something I can see myself getting into.

I'm so sorry, daddy, I've been a bad girl

Priest: for the love of God, kid, it's "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

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I realized I've got a problem with road rage.

When my five year old Daughter shouted.

"Pick a fucking lane you dickhead!"

That's the last time I take her to the grocery store....

I've stopped burning bridges in my life

because they make them out of steel now.

A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"I heard you the first time," says the patient. "You didn't need to say it the second time."

"I didn't," says the dentist. "That was my echo."

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

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I've just watched the Alabama version of 'Back to the Future,'

Unlike his counterpart, this version of Marty McFly can't resist the temptations of his mother and ends up fucking her,

Then he travels back in time.

I've realized that Children are like farts

You don't mind them when they're your own

But everyone else's are disgusting.

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I've designed the perfect toilet, but I'm struggling to find testers.

No one gives a shit.

I've gotten a new haircut recently

At first I felt like it was too short, but I gotta say that it's starting to grow on me.

A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny:

A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave.

Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave.

The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.

I've been writing a book about Joseph Fritzl...

I think it's gonna be a big cellar.

I've never trusted lizards...

right from the gecko.

My girlfriend doesn't know why I've been saying "mucho" a lot more to my Spanish friends

Apparently it means a lot to them

A Blonde and her girlfriend are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs then comes back up to bed and her girlfriend says.

"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"The Blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how the neighbors like all the barking!"

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I've realised that I can speak to the dead

A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit

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My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

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I confessed to my therapist that I've been stealing other people's Bitcoin.

He says I'm his first cryptomaniac.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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I've had constipation for 21 days

But my friends think I'm full of shit

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I've been looking for a puppy for my kids. We've looked at havapoos, cockapoos, multipoos, yorkipoos, pomapoos, and shihpoos.

We can't find a doesn't poo.

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