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Heavily Jokes

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" 
...

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

What do you call heavily burnt pasta?

Al Dante.

I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

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A man's wife was heavily pregnant

A man's wife was heavily pregnant and had started to get a lot of weird food cravings. One afternoon she said to her husband "I'm really peckish and would love some escargot(a meal made from snails)... Can you run down to the store and pick up some snails for me?"

The man dutifully agrees and...

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it's been raining heavily, puddles everywhere.

So a man is walking down the street, it's been tipping down. Puddles everywhere, just very wet.
He keeps walking and spies a duck, the duck is overly confident. The duck asks "how you going guy?"
The man is visibly confused by the talking duck and says *can't believe you can talk. *

The...

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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

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A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach...

The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl.

many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told her not to worry and explained what happened.
She then sees her son with his he...

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, a...

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant.

The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the woman to the man. Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and the husband being a gentleman says “ Of course I would be only too ha...

On his first ever flight, a nervous man who was scared of flying sat next to a heavily tattooed and smelly giant of a man.

Unfortunately, during the flight the timid little fellow ended up getting physically sick. But since the large man was now fast asleep, and was between him and aisle, his way to the bathroom was blocked.

Suddenly it was too late, and he vomited all over the sleeping man. Quickly he tried t...

One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office.

I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!”

He replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.”

What do you call two dogs breathing heavily?

A pair of pants

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

A policeman stops a car after suspecting the driver of being heavily drunk

Officer: how high are you ?
The driver: no officer , it's " hi , how are you?"

Russian activist heavily beaten by Putin's militia

He was refusing to drink his tea

Credit - Spinoza tweet

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

A heavily inebriated gentleman is going ice fishing .

He starts to drill a hole with his auger when a loud booming voice says , " THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THEREI " So he stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again . The same voice booms , " THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE ! " So he moves a little further and is about to drill again , but th...

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

A heavily inebriated man is out with his wife.

Finally they call it a day and make their way home. Driving on a major road, the car swerves dangerously, frequently crossing lanes at a frightening speed and narrowly avoiding causing countless collisions. Eventually they are pulled over by the cops.

With the window lowered, the man attempts...

Old lady walks into a pharmacy while shaking vigorously and breathing heavily.

Old lady: Excuse me?

Pharmacist: yes? How can i help you?

Old lady: Do you have a XXL Super Large vibrator with alkaline batteries?

Pharmacist: yes, we do.

Old lady: For gods sake, tell me how to turn it of!

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A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor.

Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side.

"Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Jay.

"I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Bill replies.

"Well, what does it say in the boo...

Two soldiers sat around a campfire, in a heavily besieged city.

The younger soldier said to the older soldier: "I am too young to die, I don't even know what the taste of a woman is like. Can you share your wife with me?"

The older soldier kept stirring a large cooking pot and replied: "Hold your horses, she is not even fully cooked yet."

I used to be heavily addicted to soap...

Don’t worry, I’m clean now.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

A man visited his heavily bandaged friend in the hospital.

Upon seeing his injuries, the friend asked: “What happened to you?”

“Well, we went to a theme park and decided to ride a roller coaster,” the man explained. “As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was too small and I co...

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.

A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.

Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"

From the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"

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A man buys a heavily discounted parrot from a pet store. As he's walking down the street, the parrot squawks obscenities at passersby.

Eventually, the man runs into the priest of his church.

"Good afternoon my son," said the priest. "And who might your feathered friend be?"

"FUCK YOU!" squawks the parrot.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I fully intend to break him of this obscene habit. I'll even teach him...

On a Sunday night, where it rained heavily, I turned to my son.

"It's Mon soon, see son?"

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I was in the bar with my buddy last night and he was sighing heavily and staring into his beer glass..

"What's up dude"? I said. "You look worried"

"So would you man." he replied. "My five year old son has gone and gotten our next door neighbor's gorgeous eighteen year old daughter pregnant!"

I said "No way, that's not possible"

He replied "Yes it is! The little bastard went and ...

Turns out that German pilot was heavily depressed...

He brought the whole plane down.

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

I'm heavily invested in a depreciating asset and it feels like I'm just flushing my stock away

Does anyone know where I can find more toilet paper?

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

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A Scotsman is drinking heavily in a bar.

He's really throwing them back. And looks very upset. The bartender asks him what's wrong.

Scotsman says "I crossed a bridge on my way here. I helped build that bridge. Do they call me bridge builder? No! The road this pub is on. I helped pave it. Do they call me road paver? No! This very pu...

My grandpa keeps complaining to me that my generation relies too heavily on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I googled Gary Oldman for some info, I was met with some heavily graphic images

My bad, I forgot the 'r'.

What does an Irishman say when you give him two heavily armoured vehicles for Christmas?

Tanks

Me, Standing next to a heavily pregnant woman at the bus stop

Me: When is it due?

Her: 9 days.

Me: 9 days? F*ck that, I'll start walking.

My friend held a bottle of water above his head, started counting and breathing heavily

I asked him what he was doing and he said "practising breathing underwater"

Patrick was drinking heavily on a Tuesday night at his local pub.

He raised his glass and proclaimed, in toast, "here's to spending the rest of me life, layin' in bed next to me wife."

The toast was met with raucous cheers and applause. Patrick was given the toast of the night award, given out on every Tuesday at the pub.

When he brought the trophy h...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right...

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home. I agreed.

Once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we
liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit.

With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick. She thanked
me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and said,
"How the...

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

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You're in a heavily guarded room with walls all around you, and you only have a mirror and a table. How do you get out?

Well...
You look in the mirror, you see what you saw.
You take the saw, you cut the table in half.
Two halves make a whole, put the hole in the wall.
You talk with the guards until your voice gets hoarse, you get on the horse and ride away.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are not screw...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

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A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door.

A woman is doing the dishes when there's a knock on her door. She opens it to see a man standing there in the rain, breathing heavily. "Yes?" she asks.

"Do you have a vagina?" he says.

She gasps and slams the door in his face.

A week later, the guy is back again. "Do you have ...

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.



'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her al...

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[NSFW]: A woman walks into a bar ...

A woman walks into a bar and appears to be depressed. Alone, she begins drinking heavily. A man walks into the bar soon after with the same expression on his face and sits a few stools down from her while also beginning to drink heavily. Eventually, the woman slides down and asks him what's wrong....

Einstein spent 10 years studying gravity.

It must have weighed heavily on him.

I asked a blind date what she wanted to do for the evening...

She made what seemed like a very forward and provocative suggestion. Not one to turn down a lady, I shrugged and tore off her clothes and mine, and we made passionate love that lasted less than 2 minutes.

Afterwards, breathing heavily, she said "That was... Unexpected and amazing. But can we ...

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

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20 Minutes

Two statues, a man and a woman, are sitting in a park where they have been for years. One day, an angel comes down from the heavens and gives life to these two statues.

Angel: "Ok you two, because of the limits of my power I can only grant you 20 minutes of life. What you do is up to you, s...

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Visit to the in-laws

So Barry is visiting his in-laws after a night spent drinking heavily. In his hungover state he is desperate to do a fart, and tries to edge one out carefully, but loses control and it makes a loud trumpeting sound.


And the host yells at their dog "Get out of it Spot, get out from u...

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

What's the best thing for a hangover?

Drinking heavily the night before.

A senior citizen is pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.

The trooper says, “If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman replies, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” The trooper frowns. “That’s a repost, sir. You’re under arrest. I’m afraid I...

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A priest is taking a cab home from church

A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,

"So...

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

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Theres these two onions.

Male onion female onion, rolling along then *pop* bang into each other. Instant rapport, a torrential affair begins they couldnt get enough of each other. Pretty soon an onion bonding is occurred not long after that they think to tie the knot, get together, make it legal.

Their union was ble...

the heavy breather

phone rings woman picks up and hears someone breathing heavily in the other end, she ask who it is a voice says, if you can guess what I have in my hand you can have it, she answers if it fits in one hand you can f--ng keep it.

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

Stupid joke my dad told me when I was a kid, never forgot it.

So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that...

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Owner of a wine shop...

...gets a call in the middle of the night.

A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."

Sometime later the owner i...

Have you heard the one about the electricians triplets?

An electrician is working on a light in his house. His heavily pregnant wife receives a call from the doctor, who informs her that she is having triplets. Overjoyed at the news she rushes into the room where her husband is working.


“Honey, the doctor called. We’re having triplets! What s...

It’s not what it looks like…

At the final days of WW2 French troops are facing a German trench in 50 meters distance and can only see a single remaining German soldier hanging around there and smoking a cigarette. So with a megaphone they demand that he surrenders. In return they hear the guy shouting “One German soldier is sti...

A stormy night.

A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push.

"No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face.

"Who was that?" calls his wife.
"Just some drunk asking for...

A Catholic bishop, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish Rabbi meet in a bar.

The three men sit next to each other and begin talking about life and the aspects of their various faiths. The town they all lived in was in a very heavily forrested area and after a couple of drinks the men have an idea.

Each man puts down a couple hundred bucks and they decide to have a com...

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

Th...

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town....

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you've ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds ...

A short and ugly man had another unsuccessful date

In frustration, he slammed the table he was sitting at. “I can’t live like this anymore!” he screamed. “Life is too cruel to people like me!”

His waitress saw this outburst and came by.
“Don’t despair, sir. There’s a group of people who are physically smaller than average and heavily scr...

A Subway sandwich maker has a very eccentric regular customer.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.
...

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When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

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A man goes to confession

A man walks into a church and goes to the priest to begin confession.

Man: father I have sinned and I would like to confess.

Priest : go ahead my son

Man: last night I went to my girlfriends sisters house and it ended up raining heavily. I ended up sleeping with her and staye...

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*The Viagra package*

The man was just prescribed Viagra to help his love life.


Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

...

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Feeling

On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.


Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she y...

What's the similarity between a joke and a small, cute, furry mammal?

They both die when dissected

Nun & Priest

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg instead of gear.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The p...

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The Kid's Betting Habits

A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted...

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

What’s ET short for?

His mother smoked and drank heavily during the pregnancy.

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

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A elderly man stops a car in a deserted highway holding a shotgun.

The person driving the car pulls to a halt and stepped out with his hands raised. It was already 2am and it was completely dark. The old man ask him to unzip his own pants and release his penis. The driver was shocked and did so fearing whats he gonna do. The old man asked the driver to jerk himself...

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I've been reading a very brief book on the history of Japanese warrior traditions.

It been heavily Samuraised.

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A guy is in a bar looking slightly worse for wear... (NSFW)

...and the barman notices he looks pretty down and has been drinking quite heavily that night so he decides to ask him what's up.

The guy answers, "Well, I got home from work today to find my wife fucking my best friend."

"Shit, I'm sorry to hear that," says the barman, "that's terribl...

A man brings his dog into a talent agency.

Says he's got a real talented dog. Figuring that this won't cut into lunch, the agent agrees to see the dog's tricks. First, the man puts out some number blocks and asks the dog "what's two times two?" The dog dutifully paws the number four block.

The man then asks, slightly louder, "What's t...

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged,despite my victims say it was overall a positive experience.

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Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

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Skipping First Grade

in 1970, a kindergartner was talking to his mother (the principal) and his father (a foreman at a local oil refinery) and proudly proclaimed that he was too smart for first grade and should be advanced into second grade in the next school year. The mother thought about this for a while and decided ...

That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,

"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"

Jesus and Moses are having a conversation in heaven...

Jesus "Moses, people are starting to lose faith and I don't know what to do about it"



Moses "Well, the last time you preformed some miracles in person, it really made people gain faith"



Jesus "Thats a good idea"



So Jesus and Moses go down to earth to a he...

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Mom, dad... I'm gay

My mom looked at my dad.

My dad clenched his fists.

My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT"

....

My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"

After his popularity waned, Vanilla Ice...

Took a job at a hospital information desk. A panicked man ran up and asked "Where's the ICU?! My mom's been in a horrible accident!" Without looking up, Vanilla sighed heavily and said "Ward 2: Your Mother."

I don't like the new guy my neighbor has

He's awful if you ask me. Looks alone. Kinda short and barely any hair. Then he's lying in bed all day, and if he's not sleeping he's screaming at her. Also hitting the bottle quite heavily and probably didn't work a single day in his whole life.

I really can't figure out what people see in b...

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Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"

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Little Bugger

The man at the bar looked sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up, Bob?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my four-year-old son," he said. "The little bugger's got our next-door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away!" exclaimed...

Why do American Octopuses get arrested when they travel abroad?

Because they are heavily armed.

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Johnny and Lorraine met when they where 18 years old

Through the years their relationship blossomed and evolved from friends to lovers to eventually that of a husband and wife.


Alas, as is often the case their relationship was heavily tested. 10 years after getting married to Lorraine, Johnny met a woman named Clearly and started develop...

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I told my teacher "what dat ass do?"

She sighed heavily and said,

Donkeys work as pack animals, in vineyards, agriculture, and petting zoos. They can carry equipment and supplies for day trips or overnight camping expeditions.

Furthermore, some pull carts or plow small fields for farmers. In many countries, donkeys are ...

Did the postman come yet?

No, but he is already breathing quite heavily.

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Tarzan has an accident

Tarzan swung on a liana in the jungle when he suddenly lost his grip and fell to the ground.

Heavily wounded he was brought to the jungle hospital where some of his body parts had to be replaced.

He received a gorillas arm as a replacement for his right arm, a leopards leg as replaceme...

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