UPJOKE

Heavy Breathing Jokes

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A woman answers her house phone and hears a deep voice with heavy breathing say,

"have you got a tight, bald cunt?"

The woman answers, "hang on and I'll get him, he's on the couch watching TV."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line.

A pervy voice said "I bet you have a bald asshole" She says "Ah, you want to speak to my husband"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man offers a woman 100 dollars for sex.

He tells her "Excuse me miss, I will pay you 100 dollars if you have sex with me."
The woman quickly responds saying "I won't have sex with you for so little money. My boyfriend would be furious!"

The man then changes his offer "Okay how about this? I will drop the 100 dollars onto the fl...

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do yo...

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town....

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you've ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds ...

An 80 year old bachelor visits a sperm bank…

He’s decided that he would leave a specimen behind in case anyone would want to use it.

The receptionist gave him a jar, pointed to another room and informed him that there were magazines in the room, in case he needed the extra encouragement.

After a few mins of quiet, the reception...

Bubba has been institutionalized

He is an otherwise sane guy who can't control himself. He will make slingshot and break glass windows with it. No warning or fine has ever worked. This was the last resort.

But keeping someone institutionalized is expensive and he was liked by enough people that everyone wanted to see him ge...

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Telephone call

A pervert makes a phone call and a woman answers.The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.

All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.

The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."

The frightened passengers look at each other.

The pilot speaks again...

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The telephone rings in quiet suburban British home...

A woman answers "Hello" immediately she hears heavy breathing and fapping sounds. Then a mans voice says in a low creepy gravel tone " Uughhhh I bet you have a fat...hairy...smelly....CUNT!?"

To which she cheerfully replies "Yes! He's just watching telly now. Would you like to speak with him...

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

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A guy sees a sign on a bar door

and the sign says "Free beer for a year to anyone who can pass our test".

Guy to bartender: "So, what's this whole test thing about?"

Bartender: "Well, you've gotta do three things. First, down this half gallon of pepper tequila without makin' any kinda faces. Second, there's a croc...

Bear Attack

An elderly man visits his doctor one day.

"I have some exciting news, Doctor!", exclaimed man, with excitement.

"What is it?", asked his doctor.

"My wife took a pregnancy test last week and, well.. we're expecting a child! Isn't it great!?"

"What!?", expressed the doct...

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