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Heals Jokes

My uncle used to say "time heals all wounds"

Lovely man, terrible paramedic

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my therapist said time heals all wounds

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?

A Cairo-Proctor!

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

What do you call it when your party healer accidentally heals the wrong person?

A clerical error.

Doc, will I be able to play guitar after my arm heals?

Doc: Of course

Dude: Sick! I couldn't do that before!

I told my suicidal friend that time heals all wounds, and he agreed with me.

His body was later found at the bottom of Big Ben.

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Jesus returns to earth with a healing touch...

So jesus comes back to earth from heaven, and states he can use his healing touch to cure anyone. A priest claims to have injured his back, and with a gentle touch, his back is cured. A monk states that he is going blind in one eye, jesus in turn heals the monk. A curious rabbi observed this, and wh...

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Woman has a sore throat and asks for help

So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.

The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"

The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.

Coworker asks "Did it work"
...

A man walks into a grocery store with a gunshot wound.

The grocer asks him if he needs a doctor.

The man says he just wants to know where the spice isle is.

Confused the grocer asks why and the man replies “Because thyme heals all wounds.”

What's the difference between a Baker and a Podiatrist?

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

Inspirational quotes to live by until I got divorced

# Here's the original 7 quotes to live by:

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your future.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you.
4. Don't compare your life to others. Comparison is the thief o...

You know what they say about herbal medicine...

Thyme heals all wounds.

Why should you always have thyme in your first aid kit?

Because thyme heals all wounds.

:D

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A man is getting married, and wants to impress his bride to be.

So he gets her name, Wendy, tattooed down the side of his shaft. He keeps it a surprise for the honeymoon as it heals and is quite impressed with the work. Although when he's flaccid all you can see is Wy, when he's hard there it is, in all its glory, in a beautiful font. The big day comes, and they...

Trekking through the Desert

Two Englishmen and a Bedouin guide are trekking through the desert. The sun is beating down and the throats are parched and their lips are dry and cracked when one of the Englishmen notice that the Bedouin's lips look fine - no chapping, no cracking, nothing. He asks, how do you keep your lips from ...

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A man wants to profess his love to his girlfriend.

A man wants to profess his love to his girlfriend, Wendy, so he decides to get her name tattooed on his penis.

After it heals he shows her the work. She says "But it just says W Y."

"Play with it a bit.."

Sure enough he gets hard and she can see her name spelled out clear as day...

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

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An American goes to Ireland (long) NSFW

An American man goes to Ireland and goes to an Irish pub. As he starts drinking more and more, he has to release the valve and goes to the restroom. The urinals were occupied, so the man opens a stall. When he opens a stall he sees a little man in green suit. The little man in the green suit says, '...

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A blind man, cripple and a redneck...

A blind man, cripple and redneck are sitting at a bar having a few drinks. Jesus walks into the bar and sits next to the cripple, lays a hand on him then says "now that you can walk again how about you buy me a beer"? After he finished his beer he goes over to the blind man heals him and gets himsel...

A boy breaks his arm and his dad takes him to the hospital.

The son gets a cast and heals up just fine after several weeks. He goes up to his father after he gets his cast off and says, "Dad, I'm healed!"

"Hi Healed, I'm Dad."

The son laughs and thinks his dad is the funniest ever.

A year later, the boy falls on his face and chips a toot...

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