UPJOKE
bird of preyfalconharrieraccipitridaebuzzardraptorhoney buzzardheronwar hawkkitefish hawkeaglehuckstermongerpeddle

Hawking Jokes

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud
upvote downvote report

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I played golf with Steven Hawking

He was shit. He lied about his handicap.

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

I tend to confuse Tony Hawk with Stephen Hawking

To be fair, they both love ramps
upvote downvote report

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine
upvote downvote report

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar

Just kidding
upvote downvote report

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman
upvote downvote report

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.
upvote downvote report

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor Stephen Hawking rolled into a fancy dress shop..

"Good morning." He said to the shopkeeper, in his famous robotic voice. "It's my science department's annual Dr Who fancy dress party tonight. Would you have a Tom Baker outfit for rental?"

"I'm sorry Mr Hawking." He replied. "I just rented the last one out yesterday."

"Oh dear." artif...

Why couldn’t Stephen Hawking get into heaven?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just tried to woo Stephen Hawking.

But I don't think I pushed the right buttons.

Stephen Hawking was busted cheating by his wife

"- Honey, wait, *I can explain EVERYTHING*!"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.
upvote downvote report

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A snake, a rock, and Steven Hawking walk into a bar...

The bartender says "how the fuck did yalls do that?"

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.
upvote downvote report

What if Stephen hawking was the real slim shady?

but we would never know because he couldn't stand up?
upvote downvote report

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.
upvote downvote report

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one line jokes?

Because he can't do stand-up.
upvote downvote report

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.
upvote downvote report

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >
upvote downvote report

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven
upvote downvote report

What's the worst christmas gift you could give to Steven Hawking?

A Walkie-Talkie.
upvote downvote report

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.
upvote downvote report

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.
upvote downvote report

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.
upvote downvote report

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself
upvote downvote report

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.
upvote downvote report

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

Very few people know this, but legendary motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel was a very intelligent man, and had the same IQ as professor Stephen Hawking.

They also shared a love of ramps.
upvote downvote report

I finally managed to finish one of Stephen Hawkings’ books yesterday.

It was about Time.
upvote downvote report

Einstein, Hawking, Heisenberg and Schrödinger formed a band.

It's called "The Inconvenient Truths."

They play music with that old Al Gore Rhythm.
upvote downvote report

I'm smarter than Einstein, Hawking, Da Vinci and Aristotle combined...

cuz ther al ded
upvote downvote report

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
upvote downvote report

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart
upvote downvote report

Why did Steven Hawking have to die?

His wheelchair was worth more without him.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.
upvote downvote report

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)
upvote downvote report

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking.
upvote downvote report

I keep getting Tony Hawk and Steven Hawking confused.

I mean, they both liked ramps
upvote downvote report

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.
upvote downvote report

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.
upvote downvote report

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.
upvote downvote report

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.
upvote downvote report

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.
upvote downvote report

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.
upvote downvote report

I never liked Steven Hawking much.

He seemed kinda lame.
upvote downvote report

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.
upvote downvote report

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking take a shit?

He logs out.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.
upvote downvote report

Stephen Hawking was quite persistant in his older age

He never walked away from a challange
upvote downvote report

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus
upvote downvote report

Stephen Hawking - "The doctors finally removed my pop up blocker"

"Now I can finally get an erection"
upvote downvote report

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire
upvote downvote report

When Stephen Hawking was found dead yesterday...

Did they call the paramedics or the IT guys first?
upvote downvote report

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.
upvote downvote report

How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide?

Alt-F4
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information