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Hawking Jokes

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

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I played golf with Steven Hawking

He was shit. He lied about his handicap.

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

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How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

I tend to confuse Tony Hawk with Stephen Hawking

To be fair, they both love ramps

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar

Just kidding

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

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Professor Stephen Hawking rolled into a fancy dress shop..

"Good morning." He said to the shopkeeper, in his famous robotic voice. "It's my science department's annual Dr Who fancy dress party tonight. Would you have a Tom Baker outfit for rental?"

"I'm sorry Mr Hawking." He replied. "I just rented the last one out yesterday."

"Oh dear." artif...

Why couldn’t Stephen Hawking get into heaven?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven.

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I just tried to woo Stephen Hawking.

But I don't think I pushed the right buttons.

Stephen Hawking was busted cheating by his wife

"- Honey, wait, *I can explain EVERYTHING*!"

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Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

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A snake, a rock, and Steven Hawking walk into a bar...

The bartender says "how the fuck did yalls do that?"

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

What if Stephen hawking was the real slim shady?

but we would never know because he couldn't stand up?

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one line jokes?

Because he can't do stand-up.

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

What's the worst christmas gift you could give to Steven Hawking?

A Walkie-Talkie.

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

Very few people know this, but legendary motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel was a very intelligent man, and had the same IQ as professor Stephen Hawking.

They also shared a love of ramps.

I finally managed to finish one of Stephen Hawkings’ books yesterday.

It was about Time.

Einstein, Hawking, Heisenberg and Schrödinger formed a band.

It's called "The Inconvenient Truths."

They play music with that old Al Gore Rhythm.

I'm smarter than Einstein, Hawking, Da Vinci and Aristotle combined...

cuz ther al ded

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Why did Steven Hawking have to die?

His wheelchair was worth more without him.

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking.

I keep getting Tony Hawk and Steven Hawking confused.

I mean, they both liked ramps

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

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What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

I never liked Steven Hawking much.

He seemed kinda lame.

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

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How does Stephen Hawking take a shit?

He logs out.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

Stephen Hawking was quite persistant in his older age

He never walked away from a challange

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Stephen Hawking - "The doctors finally removed my pop up blocker"

"Now I can finally get an erection"

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire

When Stephen Hawking was found dead yesterday...

Did they call the paramedics or the IT guys first?

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide?

Alt-F4

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