UPJOKE

Harder Than Jokes

The only thing harder than diamonds

a redneck at his family reunion

"Killing them with kindness is a lot harder than I thought"

said the assassin

Why is quantum physics so much harder than regular physics?

Because in regular physics, if something can go wrong, it will.

But in quantum physics, if something *could* go wrong, it will.

Playing dodgeball with kids is much harder than it looks.

You have to use both your hands to throw them.

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We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn't had a customer in a while, so she calls out to him

"Hey, would you like to have a fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"Aww... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks her harder than he had in decades, and for 30 minutes!

When he's done, the pr...

I took an astronomy class in college but it was harder than I expected.

I had to study day and night.

What's harder than giving birth?

Apparantly remembering the four o's in r/woooosh

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what's harder than closing your blinds?

My dick as I watch you through them

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A businessman, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar.

They grab a table, order drinks, and begin commiserating about work.

The businessman starts. He says: "I've been dealing with this investor who's financing my company. Every time I ask this guy for even a bit of slack when revenue is tight he comes down on me like he thinks I'm good for nothi...

Yknow what they say about a good dark humor joke

It hits harder than a drunk parent.

Of course men work harder than women

Women get it right the first time.

Why is ordering a pizza harder than having a kid?

You can't accidentally order a pizza

I’ve seen a few jokes about dwarfs recently and I’m sick of it.

My girlfriend has dwarfism, and is kinder and works harder than anyone I know. She deserves respect and shouldn’t be treated so poorly by you lot.

In fact, to make it up to her I’m going to make her a lovely meal, pour her a glass of wine, and run her a nice hot sink.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

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"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

My wife is divorcing me because I keep getting aroused by serious situations. She tried to explain it away, but I said, "Baby, please...

"Don't make this harder than it already is."

What snapped harder than Thanos' finger?

Gwen stacy's neck

A very elderly couple...

A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary. The man said to his wife "Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experie...

Hiding an erection isn't as easy as you may think...

It's harder than it looks...

A group of old friends met at a resort for their annual vacation.

They had a long-standing tradition of sharing jokes with each other. They’d been doing this so long that they just assigned numbers to the jokes to make it easier to tell them.

Someone would shout out “24” or “13” and everyone would laugh.

This went on for a long and then one person y...

I tried making a group for men with erectile dysfunction.

Turns out it was harder than I thought.

There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest,your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep.

He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night...

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The new CEO

On his first day, the new head man takes a tour of the main factory where the company's products are made - commenting periodically to his assistants on possible changes. The most common thing he notices is that most of the employees could be working harder than they are. Finally, he spots one guy w...

What do you call a frog hanging upside down?

Mistle-toad.

From google when my son asked for a joke. And I laughed harder than I should hv.

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

The movie was so boring, that...

...I had to fight Zs harder than the Ukrainian army.

(Sorry, inappropriate. Also, sorry not a joke, just a saying I just invented. Also, Slava Ukraini)

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Tomorrow when my roommate asks me for a adderall before he takes his PSY test, I'm gonna give him a viagra.

His exam is gonna be a lot harder than expected.

I told my GF to make me a sandwich

... making it with just my left hand is harder than it seems...

-Would you call yourself a hard worker?

\-Absolutely! I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

A man receives a call from a hospital...

"Come quickly, you're now a dad of a boy who can fly!"
The man rushes to the hospital and is greeted by a doctor holding a baby...
"I received a call about a flying boy, where can I see him?"

The doctor smiles and says: "This is the boy, check it yourself!"
Within seconds, the do...

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Three boys are on a farm... (NSFW)

looking after it while their parents are out for a few hours. The oldest boy accidently kills the goat, and is so scared, he says he's going into the woods to shoot himself. He then runs, and takes a loaded shotgun with him. Two minutes later, a deafening gunshot fills the woods.

The two othe...

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I was listening carefully to my girlfriend's instructions as I went down.

She told me to speed up and get further down, then screamed 'SLOWER! SLOWER!' a couple of times. We both jerked and shook much harder than we had expected to. At the end of it all she grinned and gave me a big 'thumbs up'

. . . I had landed the plane successfully

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I was going to make a dick joke,

but it's harder than I thought.

Name Changes

Several hundred years ago a young hispanic boy was born. His mother wanted to give him a name deserving of her little king. Unfortunately, without medication and in pain she screamed when telling the nurse the name she picked. So instead of Prince, riIINS is what she heard and so Rins was his name. ...

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Say what you want about Stormy Daniels, but she really knows how to fuck a guy

I mean, it's been years now and she's doing it harder than ever

Key to success in life

One day a young man, confused and directionless in life, was walking in a park.

He sees a well-dressed and well-to-do old man sitting on a bench, feeding the birds and enjoying the scenery. He walks up to him and says, "Sir, you seem to have done well for yourself in life, do you mind telling...

Why are women terrible drivers?

Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen.

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When I was in the 6th grade I entered in the spelling bee. The first word they gave me was "constipation" and I misspelled it.

That shit was harder than I thought.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are walking down the street talking amongst themselves about who has the hardest life...

The cucumber says, “I have the hardest life. Whenever I get big, thick, and juicy, they chop me up and put me into salads. It’s horrible!”

The pickle and the penis start giggling. The pickle replies, “Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. When I get big, thick, and juicy, I get stuffed into this ...

Gym Shoes (Based on a Real Story)

I’m in the locker room and after I put on my gym clothes I realize I don’t have my shoes in my gym bag. Go back to my car, not there.

Now I don’t work out much, which means getting myself to the gym is actually harder than the workout and I can’t waste an opportunity like this. So I notice ...

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A businessman is leaving town for work

His relationship with his wife had been unstable recently, and afraid of her cheating on him while he was gone, he went to a sex shop. He explains his situation to the owner.


"I have just what you need," The shopkeeper exclaims, pulling out a long, narrow box. He opens it and explains "Th...

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An Older Couple Are Having Dinner At A Nice Restaurant

Coincidentally, it is their 30th anniversary, and is also the same restaurant where the man proposed to his wife. The man leans toward the his wife and quietly says to her, "Remember how we had sex in the alley behind this place when we got engaged?" "Yes." the woman replies. "Lets do it again." ...

Why should you not throw stones at a knight?

Because heavy metal is harder than rock.

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So a man is told by his doctor he only has five days to live...

On the first day he goes out and gets himself a Japanese prostitute with big tits and fucks her like there is no tomorrow.

On the second day he goes out and gets himself a redhead Irish prostitute with a nice ass and he fucks her like there is no tomorrow.

On the third day he goes ou...

Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and agai...

An old Saint's joke

A Cajun died and went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later, surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as swea...

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One Night Stand (NSFW)

A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedr...

A bus full of ugly people is driving along a cliff

The bus driver makes a mistake as he eats a burger causing the bus to suddenly fall from the cliff killing all passengers aboard

The group of deformed men and women are woken in front of the pearly gates greeted by St Peter himself

"you lot have had a hard and unfortunate life and as t...

The camping story

A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories.

I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and...

OP meets a talking crow

One day OP decides to get off reddit for a bit and go for a nice leisurely walk. After walking for a few hours he pauses at a park bench and sits down to collect his thoughts.

A crow lands on the bench beside him and takes him off guard by saying hello.

“Are... are you a talking crow?...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man play golf

On the tenth hole Moses hits the ball first but the ball cuts and heads towards the pond, quickly Moses jams his club into the ground and the water parts and the ball lands on the bottom of the pond on dry ground.

Next Jesus goes and likewise the ball heads towards the pond but as it hits the...

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Three men...

Once there were three men who walked into an empty clearing in the middle of a huge forest, uncomparable by any means to that of any cluster of trees. However, this clearing had a peculiar item lodged in the ground near the center, a shiny golden lamp. The first of the three men slowly worked on dis...

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. ...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are taking a walk in the garden nearby after a case.

Watson suddenly turns towards Holmes and says, "You must stop making fun of me now, Holmes. I'm not that dumb now. That was long ago."

Sherlock Holmes looks at Watson a bit mockingly and says, "OK, then. Show me what you can deduce from the objects you see around us."

"Sure.", says Wat...

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

Condoms galore

Nike Condoms: Just do it.


Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.


Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.


Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.


Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.


Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: T...

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3 couples go on a camping trip...

When the 3 couples get to the camp site they all unpack and one of the couples realizes that they left their tent at home. So the 3 couples agree that with the 2 tents that the men will sleep in one tent and the women will sleep in the other. In the middle of the night one of the men wakes up exci...

John the employee

John, a very experienced employee, was once having a drink with his boss, and found it a great opportunity to discuss a subject he has always been thinking about.

"Can I get a raise in salary?" John gently asked.

After a moment of thinking, the boss replied: "Of course! No one could re...

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