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Good Health Jokes

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

My doctor wished me good health

So that he will never have the displeasure to run into me again in the hospital setting.

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

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After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

What seem to be the trouble

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that

nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now

Doctor: Se...

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how ...

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

If I die...

If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I’m in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It’s all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It’s new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"
<...

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Pancakes!

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed h...

A kid is born with no body...

So a child is born with no body or limbs, he's just a head. The doctor tells the parents that he seems to be in perfectly good health otherwise and after a few days in the hospital they all go home.

The kid grows up perfectly fine as just a head, and eventually reaches his 21st birthday, so ...

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Christmas wishes

Afternoon all, just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy year, most of all good health!
These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family, they just copy and paste some random shit and send it on.
So, aft...

An older man is at a routine doctors appointment

Everything checks out, and he appears to be in good health.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor asks him if “he had any questions?”

The old man replies “no, I’m okay, but I am concerned about my wife; I don’t think her hearing is what it used to be.”

“That happens with ag...

Blonde childbirth

It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

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A German taxi driver was on his shift...

He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament.

A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. B...

How to get there faster

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their pl...

An old woman in Texas is celebrating her one hundredth birthday.

The local news comes to her birthday party to congratulate her on achieving such an advanced age. They find her in good health and good spirits on her special day. They ask her what her secret to longevity is. She answers immediately and confidently that her method is to eat a tablespoon of gunpowde...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

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Ten Thoughts

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a...

My best joke in 40 year of joke telling

A woman goes to her doctor for a check up. During the post check up consult the doctor says
“Mrs. Jones you are in very good health but, I couldn’t help but notice the abrasions on your elbows and knees. Can you tell me what is causing them?

Sheepishly she responds “Maybe it is because I...

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A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

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Man travels to Spain

A man travels to Spain and decides to watch one of the bullfighting matches for which Spain is well known.

The match was intense & thrilling. Unlike anything which can be found anywhere else in the world. Afterwards there was a celebration for the Torero (Bullfighter) and the crowd slowl...

A severely depressed man decides to end it all...

so he finds the tallest building in the area and climbs to the roof. While he was standing precariously on the ledge and thinking about all the reasons why he was ready to die, he happens to look down at the street below. There are few people on the street but one man on the corner stands out, even ...

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

A 90-year-old couple were having problems with their memory

so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was ...

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The Italian Stallion and more

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired...

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