Lose Weight Jokes

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a... read more

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

I hate to have to tell him but I did, but no matter what I do or how much water I drink, I just can't swallow it.

A 300 lb man decides he is tired of being so fat and wants to lose weight. So he gets on the Internet and finds a program that claims you can lose 10lbs in 2 weeks or your money back.

So he orders the program, and the very next day there is a knock on his door. He opens it up and there is a ... read more

He ate in Mordoration

Me holding a rock of meth : YES!!!

She had tried all kinds of diets and pills and exercise programs with no success. The doctor said, "don't worry; I have a special remedy that is sure to work. Just eat a small piece of sesame cracker with unsweetened tea three times a day for three weeks. Then check in with me on your progress."
... read more

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

And America never loses

An English Casino. You can lose hundreds of pounds in a few minutes.

When you have an overactive knife and fork!

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

Becauses he never loses, he always wins.

but momma raised no loser.

The restaurant will ask you to leave before you can eat too much.

Dietician: don't eat anything fatty

Me: thanks

Dietician: you're welcome fatty

Lighter fluid

Amputation

But no, it's in my kitchen.

It's low crab.

Last week I brought an annual membership. I lost 7 pounds ever since because I ran out of money to buy food.

Because he will eat that too

Exorcise

Because their diet is mostly copypasta.

- Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
- Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
- How many times , doctor ?
- Every time someone offers you food.

When I lost 104 pounds, people asked me how I did it.

I asked “Do you think you can lose one pound?” They said sure. Anyone can do that.

I told them “thats all I know how to do. I lost one pound every week, for 2 years. One pound at a time.”

True story.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he... read more

Heifer go to the gym

I find it again in the refrigerator

She's now in Mexico

Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

Didnt work out

Did you just call me fat and ugly retrospectively?

She said to me I am going to run 7 miles every day to lose weight.

I thought, great, in two weeks she will be 98 miles away:

The doctor replies: "You need to get up early."

"Early in the morning?"

"No, from the dinner table."

The answer may shock you

It made Bud light.

Because every time they buy something, they lose some pounds!

Step 1: step down from the weighting machine

The first day, I couldn’t see anything.
The second day, I couldn’t see anything.
But on the third day, that third day I was able to open my eyes enough and was released from the hospital

It's called "Superglue".

I said, “Don’t worry. It’ll be a piece of cake.”

Tried every diet, yet nothing works. Later, while browsing he sees some ad, saying "Lose 20kg in an hour!". Being desperate, he gives that company a call, they reply, saying that they gonna come to his house tomorrow.

Tommorow comes, door bell rings, fat man opens the door only to see an ins... read more

But she got right back up again. She can take a hell of a punch, my wife.

I stare at my extra large pepperoni pizza with a Diet Coke for at least an hour before I scarf it down and I haven't lost a pound.

An overweight guy decides to go to a fitness club to sign up to lose weight. After signing up, the fitness coach asks him to go home and be ready early in the morning.

The next morning, his doorbell rings. He opens the door and standing there is a super hot girl. She tells him,” If you can ca... read more

...unless there are 3 other people with me.

(Likely source for this is Orson Wells, and it's a loose quote)

Last I heard, he was still at large.

figured it was worth a shot, so I bought two

drown them