If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht

The Pope
accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's
hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get
it, when Trump wa...

I won $4 during the Mega Millions lottery today

Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

What’s the opposite of Microsoft Office?

MegaHard OnFire

Whoever wins the Mega Millions Jackpot....

… touched me inappropriately 30 years ago.

"Mega-" is a prefix meaning "million"....

...and "micro" is a prefix meaning "millionth".

So, a megaphone would be one trillion microphones.

What happens if someone throws a computer at you?

It mega hurts...

I'll leave now sorry

So, there's the Super Bowl. After that, there's the Mega Bowl. Then, after that, there's the Giga Bowl.

Anymore than that, though, would just be Tera Bowl.

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What's a dinosaur which recently had anal called?

A Mega-sore-ass.

Robert goes down to the mega church on Sunday.

He waits in line for his turn and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. After 3 minutes of violent shaking of his head by his ears and trying to push him backwards the preacher asks, "hows your hearing?" Then Robert replies " well my hearing is not until Wednesday at the courthouse".

I told the mods about my idea to start a Harambe mega-thread.

But they shot it down.

Why did the elf have to play with Mega Bloks?

Because he was Legoless

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Weight Loss Challenge

A man calls a company and purchases their 5lbs in 5 days weight loss challenge. The next morning he gets a knock at the door, he answers to find this woman standing there naked and wearing a sign that says "If you can catch me, you can have me." She takes off running and the man takes off after her ...

Why do I not have a virtual pet?

They take a mega-bite of your computer.

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

Have you heard of the band 999 megabytes?

Probably not, they haven't got a gig yet

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The Office Toilet

You know I hate it when I'm in the office toilet and someone let's rip with an all-mighty shart.

There's like mega fart and bubbles and groans and pleasure.

Then I'm like "Do you mid keeping that down. I'm trying to have a wank over here!!!"

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What do you call a dinosaur that's just been bummed?

Mega-sore-arse

What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in back?

A-MEGA-SORE-ASS

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

What psychosis do you have, if all you can think about is Chinese noodles?

Mega-Lo-Mein-ia

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What has 6 balls and fucks poor people?

The Mega Millions.

German spies during world war two.

So my dad told me it a few years back and I still like it.
That's how it goes:

During world war II the Germans trained these super duper mega ultra spies.
They could speak fluent English, fluent French and fluent Russian.
Knew the history of every said enemy country.
Knew how t...

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What do you call a dinosaur that uses hemorrhoid cream ?

Mega sore arse

I'm in the O.R. waiting room waiting on my daughter's brain surgery please tell me a joke

My daughter is having her pituitary gland removed. She has Gigantism like Andre The Giant.


Update!
She has been out of surgery for less then 10 hours and is doing great. (for someone that brain surgery for breakfast) Most of the pituitary gland was removed. The doctors are great and t...

What happens when your computer shocks you?

It mega-hurts.

One good thing about trump’s White House is how polite they are...

One walk down the hall and everyone says “Pardon me.”

A lawyer, priest and doctor... (pretty long joke)

A doctor, priest and lawyer have a wealthy friend on his deathbed. The wealthy man tells them "I know they say you can't take it with you but I'm willing to try. I'm going to give you duffel bags with 5 million in cash each and at my funeral I want each of you to put it in my grave". Sure enough the...

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

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The Silver Tongued Salesman

A young hotshot from New York moves to California for some fun in the sun.

He goes to the local mega store looking for a sales job.

The manager, a little doubtful, asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The cocky kid responds, "Yup. I did sales back in New York."

The b...

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tomorrow.

But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is very angry, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, her husband falls aslee...

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A blonde goes to buy a TV.

So, a blonde goes to a mega store to buy a TV, she goes in and she asks an employee for opinions:

Her: "Excuse me, what do you think of that TV?"

Employee: "Sorry madam, we don't sell to blonde women"

She gets furious, goes back home, puts on a hat and a fancy dress and comes ba...

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After riding my bike for three hours I discovered a new dinosaur

The Mega-sore-ass.

The Lottery

There once was an old man who used to buy the lottery every single day for his whole life, and never won. One day, he had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital; before he could see the winning lotto numbers on TV. His wife saw the numbers, and realized that he had just won the MegaMillions. ...

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