What do an umbrella and the 12th Academy Award winner have in common?

They're both gone with the wind.

I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...

It was a post dramatic dress

I bet a lot of people are going to be born Jan 12th.

Since everyone is egg hunting right now

People never talk about the 12th reindeer, probably because she's so rude to Rudolph

Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.

The first horse says: "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st."


The second horse sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Missed him

A local politician is playing a few rounds of golf with the local vicar.

On the 8th hole, the politician makes what he thinks is a perfect putt, but the ball veers away at the last minute.

“Damn it, missed the bugger!” Said the Politician.

“You really shouldn’t say that,” sai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

A Snail Picnic

A group of snails decided one day to have a picnic.

Each snail was in charge of bringing certain things. One snail had the bread, one snail had the wine, and one snail had the cheese.

The snails set off on their long 5 day journey to the picnic location. By the time they got there it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

A man lived a normal life in a 15-story building with his wife and son

They lived on the 12th floor apartment C. One day he was late for work he kissed Mary and gave Mikey his lunch money. After he got out the elevator he’d realised he forgot his car key so called his wife and said

‘Throw down my key I’m late for work’

A man lived a normal life in a 15-st...

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

They start talking to each other about their jobs and someone raises the question of how they prepare their new trainees for the worst part of the job.

The rabbi says, “celibacy is the worst part of the job, so all new r...

A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be ...

This is the Alaska State Police.

Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?

Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony?

The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time.

The most popular woman?

The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.

Overheard in line for a movie...

Theater employee: "That's an R-rated movie. When's your birthday?"

Teenage boy: "October 12th."

Employee: "What year?"

Boy: "Every year."

Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Narcotic Jesus

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.



The secret operation is e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick

According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would ...

There guys died at the same time and was waiting to enter heaven

At the pearlly gates, St Peter was there to greet them.

He said, "in order to enter heaven, you have to walk up these 100 steps. On each step you will be told a joke. If you can hold in your laughter until the 100th, you may enter heaven."

So the first guy takes up the challenge, on t...

A man was trapped in a burning building...

...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman sa...

Tractor fan

I once had a friend called Sam. When we were young, Sam had an obsession with tractors. He loved them. He had toy tractors, tractor bedsheets, tractor memorabilia - anything to do with tractors fascinated him.
For his 12th birthday, his mother decided to take him to a tractor convention and Sam w...

Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.

My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.

It wasn't until their 3rd child, after birthing two sons, that Bill and Lonnie finally had a baby girl.

Bill willingly allowed Lonnie to have the right to name their little girl. Bill, of course named both the boys. Blake and Bryan.

After some long contemplating Lonnie decided to name her baby girl Love. Bill thought this seemed a bit odd of a name, but didn't want to cause a commotion over it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots.

The the bartender pours the shots and asks the man what the occasion is. The man says "First time for a blow job today." The bartender congratulated the man and said "For such an occasion, I'll add a 12th shot on the house." The man said "Nah, don't worry about it. If 11 doesn't get the taste out of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stupid Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a...

I've decided to join Anytime Fitness

Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Costco customers

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come ov...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only joke I know.

So I remember reading this joke on a website years ago and it really stuck with me, and I really don't know any others, and it's a little long, sorry. Here goes...

A tourist is visiting New York city for the first time and has come to the observation deck of the Empire state building, replete...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are enjoying a nice Saturday afternoon of golf.

After they finish the 12th hole, they see two women on the green of the 13th, putting the ball around with an apparent lack of skill. After watching the women fumble around for about 10 minutes, one of the men says, "I'm going to ask them if we can play through." He starts walking towards them, but ...

Important Announcement to the members of the Flat Earth Society

Annual Global Conference will be held this year 12th of May 2017 in Sydney (down under)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents off Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you...

11 Geeky Jokes

1. What does a subatomic duck say “Quark”.

2. Why did I divide Sin by Tan, Just Cos.

3. Why programmers like UNIX:
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

4. Why can’t you trust atoms, they make up everything.

5. A pen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend....

She goes, "How many other girls have you had sex with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four construction workers on top of a 50 story building are arguing over who has the longest penis...

One of them suggests they unzip and dangle over the side to see who has the longest.
The first guy proudly announces "All the way to the 33rd floor!"
The second guy responds "Ha!, 23rd floor!"
The third guy is smirking, thinking he has everyone beat. "12th floor!"
They notice the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are drinking in a bar on the 30th floor of a sky scrapper...

One man turns to the other and says, "you know. The wind drafts on this building are so strong that you can jump out a window and they'll blow you right back up!"

Of course, the other man calls bullshit. With that, the first man goes to a window, opens it, and jumps! The other man rushed over...

Dad, can I have another cup of water?

Dad: But its your 12th cup tonight!

Son: I know, the baby's room is still on fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke about golf and a priest (A bit long)

So a priest is playing golf with a professional golfer and they are having a pretty even match. They are up to the 6th hole with the scores level and all the golfer has to do is get a 4 foot putt. He hits the ball but it misses. The frustrated golfer shouts
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I MISSED THE ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.